Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Ok so you want to be married,you don't want a divorce,so all you can do is say to him at the next therapy session that he is not showing you he loves,cares or appreciates you and he has to make the effort.You can set a time scale to your self of how long you will give him to do this.Do not tell him that.Just see if he changes .I hope he does.If he doesn't then you need to ask yourself if you can live feeling like this for years.

I think you just need to bring all this up at your next therapy session.

State that you both agreed there was a disconnect between you and that he had agreed to try and close that gap with connection, in the form of texts, voice notes, conversation and acts of love but he’s done none of that.

So now, not only is there the disconnect, there’s the sense that he’s lied to you (said that he’d do something and didn’t) and also his rejection of what your relationship needs to work, even though it’s been spelt out to him what he has to do to “fix” it, he can’t be bothered.

Don’t have kids with this man; if he can’t even text you hello, he’s clearly going to be an absent father.

It seems like you’re flogging a dead horse here to be honest 🤷‍♀️

I do really feel for you. I think you are getting a hard time and I’m one of those that jumped in perhaps not realising the full extent of your loneliness within your marriage.

I can totally understand you not wanting a Divorce but if he’s not willing to change at all I think it may be your only option.

I’m a good few years older two things are very apparent to me. Men dont suddenly get more loving along the way. If it isn’t there now I think this is how it’s going to be.

The other things is, this is usually the best time. You’re both young and don’t have DC and presumably no money worries? You should be having a blast.

Not seeing one another for days, not having sex and not being fully present when he is with you at this stage isn’t good. If he’s like this in his 30s it’s going to be bloody awful in your 50s and beyond. I’m sorry, you probably don’t what to hear any of that avd you do have my total sympathy

Oh, OP. This is tough. But for a lot of men, out of sight is just out of mind. His job is more important to him than his relationship, and he expects you to be just fine with that. In his head, women are there for when men need them, and when men don't need them, they should just disappear into the background and not place any demands.

The fact that you're in therapy and he still doesn't make an effort does not bode well for your future. If you think it's bad now, wait until you have kids.

you need to decide if this is fixable, and if not, how long you're willing to be housemates with a man who is meant to love you.

To show you how stark this is for you. I've been divorced from my ExH for 8 years, but this last month so far he has text me 3-4 times daily. He's told me how much he appreciates how well i've raised our kids, and the work i put in with them, how grateful he is for some help i gave him, several were links to things he might help with my disability/pain levels, or stuff that would make me laugh, or be good for xmas for the kids. I get them on every break, lunchtime and evening when he's sat watching TV. (yes it does sometimes annoy me, but he is who he is)

My best male friend talks to me through out the day over text/messenger as well, photos, memes, stupid jokes, he check in on me.

If my ex-husband, a man i left because he's an arsehole at times can give me some mental thought enough to text me, your actual DH has no sodding excuses.

The phrase 'if he wanted to, he would' is the one you need to keep in mind here.

I agree with this. When I’m at work I’m charging around a secondary school, my husband barely gets a thought, and that’s ok. I do agree he needs to come up with other ideas to show you he appreciates you, but to be honest I’m not sure it’s going to be at the level you’re hoping for.

"Counsellor suggesting daftness like this" as you suggest - yes I think you might be onto something there and The "customer" is paying them how much to do this Whilst all along knowing what the real potential problem is and not getting to the nub of it??

You've told him what you need/ want. He's choosing not to give you that for whatever reason. Now, you need to decide if your prepared with someone who chooses not to meet your needs once you've expressed them.

I certainly wouldn't add kids to this equation. You will have to sacrifice everything and raise children alone while he works and ignores your needs. At least at the moment you have a job, income, independence and pension.

Ignore people saying your needy. We all have needs and wants. In the grap scheme of things a text thiningbif you a few times a week is very low effort. Your H must get breaks, he must eat, use the loo, have journey time. He can take 10 seconds to rest you. He chooses not to.

What family costs? There’s no kids, she works full time. He’s not “providing” out of necessity, he chooses to work these hours and have minimal interaction with her. She’s not obliged to be grateful.

I couldn't give a monkeys what you say in all honesty.

Why the fuck do people still not at least read the posts of the OP even if they can't be bothered to rtfr.

I hear you re connection. Connection is important. Big or small. Notes are just an example. What does your husband think about all the little ways you have listed as ways you try to connect with him? Does he appreciate coffee in bed, notes, favourite beers etc?

As a couple, it sounds like you both work really hard. Relationships need work too, and commitment. You both have needs and neither more important than the others or should be discounted. Feeling cherished is lovely, it can cost nothing and be as simple as a text, note or snuggly cuddle. It may not be important or a priority to him but it is to you.

I could say that posts like yours show people who have been brainwashed by ideas of romance. But I won’t say it because it’s rude to make blanket statements about people who express their personal views, isn’t it?

She does work. Which has been pointed multiple times. But people who don't are still allowed to expect more than absence and silence in their relationships.

But the OP’s husband isn’t doing anything to show he cares. He largely ignores her. I don’t think occasionally carrying heavy shopping bags or ordering a taxi compensates for ignoring her all week.

You also both don't sound mature enough to have got married how long were you dating beforehand? There is a mismatch somewhere what's the sex life and affection ratio like

Oh and actually, if I was working very long and unsociable hours in a stressful job so that my other half didn't have to, and came home to my other half complaining that they didn't feel loved, I'd feel pissed off. They could quite rightly claim that they didn't feel we spent enoguh time together, or they felt lonely or whatever, but "don't feel loved" isn't great if all the money for the hours I'm working goes to family costs.

The weird responses to wanting a romantic connection with your husband feels very strange and cold. And explains a lot about a lot of aspects of Mumsnet.

The things you've listed that you and your husband do for each other is basically what the OP is asking for from her husband. I don't know why people are focusing in on texts and notes when the fact that she is getting nothing from him along the lines of what you have outlined as apparently necessary for your own martial connection, so she's asking for a text because she's not getting anything else. She just wants something.

I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time here, OP. You've made it clear that you aren't expecting your DH to mirror what you do, with notes, treats etc. From the sounds of things, if you were both working regular hours and able to regularly connect in the morning and evening, this would be a non-issue.

What you are saying is that due to your DH's working hours you literally do not see each other for days at a time. And that your DH is making zero effort to check in with you or even acknowledge you exist AT ALL during that time. I honestly don't think that is normal and you are not being "needy" to expect the occasional text FFS!

Oh FFS. So in return for him not showing any affection or any thoughtfulness or connection to the relationship she should just shut up and shag him?
That’s outrageous. OP - you’re worth more than being his housekeeper sex doll.

I doubt this will improve - fast forward 10 years - without that romantic connection - where do you think you'll be then if you remain where you are ? After just two years of "wedded bliss"if you have to spell it out with immature notes rather than feelings behind actions expressed by him,you're onto a loser

Exactly. They've been married for two years and spending time together feels awkward. That's no way to live but she's being unreasonable?!