Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

It kinda sounds like you aren’t that compatible to me, for whatever reason you feel incredibly affected by his actions or lack of during the week. My gut says that if this is how you are after only 2 years married then I fail to how this is going to work long term once you throw children in the mix.. It almost sounds like you know what you need to do and all this pleading isn’t likely to resolve it. By all means keep with the therapy and being open incase things turn around but I just can’t see how this kind of reaction to being busy without even having these other stresses in your life is going to work.

Not ok to say someone’s standards are low because they don’t think like you.

I think it depends on the job. If you had a job where you were constantly dealing with emergencies and seeing people in wretched and extreme circumstances I doubt you would have the capacity to think about your spouse. Also depending on the nature of the job your downtime would be needed for physical and mental recuperation.

For example even teachers can be so stressed by the job these days that many have so many mental and physical health conditions as a result.

Connection is everything in a healthy relationship. OP is hardly asking for much. Obviously when you go to therapy you hope things will improve but sometimes it is going to be a path to deciding to leave as well. I’m really sorry but this doesn’t sound sustainable to me unless something drastic changes. You sound so unhappy.

Yes. I would find it creepy. Like coercive control.

I would hate little notes left for me to be honest

Wow your standards are so incredibly low.

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years and we have demanding careers, young teenage children, aging parents and all of the other typical demands on our time. We spend most of our waking hours apart and that works for both of us right now. But I still think of him all the time! There are times at work when I’m in a “flow state” and focused only on what I’m doing but that only lasts so long. It’s not like I’m going to forget my husband exists for 10 hours straight. Maybe I am reminded of a private joke we have, or I recall something I need to ask him, I’m feeling peckish and wondering what he will make for dinner, or perhaps I’m still basking in the sex we had that morning. If I know he’s unwell or is feeling extra stressed or anxious he’s on my mind even more. I think about our children too, isn’t that how it works?? I can’t fathom being in a relationship where my spouse didn’t even cross my mind all day just because I’m at work.

My husband and I don’t communicate every day but we are both secure and happy in our relationship. Right now the OP is not. I’m guessing her DH has given her reason to feel that way and she is left feeling neglected and vulnerable but she can’t put her finger on why. With the help of a therapist she has asked for a tiny amount of effort to reassure her, not from a stranger or a colleague but from the man who chose her, wants her, and ostensibly cares deeply about her well-being. His refusal to give even that much is unfortunately very telling, especially when the relationship is already at the point of needing therapy.

OP there’s a saying that “behavior is communication.” I’m sorry to say that husband’s behavior is telling you very clearly that he doesn’t care much about your happiness or the health of your relationship. You’re already in therapy and he’s still not willing to lift a finger to make you feel better. I genuinely think you should prepare to end the marriage. Perhaps when your husband sees that you are genuinely ready to leave he will get scared and turn things around, and if that’s enough for you then all is good. Sadly he is more likely to continue with what he’s doing but still claim he loves you so you are forced to be the one to make the choice while he gets to be the victim. I hope I’m wrong but I’ve heard this story so many times. You deserve a husband who understands what you need and genuinely wants to make you feel loved and happy. Your husband is telling you he’s not that man. It’s up to you what you do with that information.

It sounds as though the way he's working right now is unsustainable for everyone. Has he given you a timeline to this level of intensity with his business before he can start to hire in some more help?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think in any relationship if you want to maintain connection you have to work at it which means both people thinking of realistic and sustainable ways they can show care for the other person. His working a lot doesn't automatically give him a get out of jail card for being a husband. However you also need to be able to recognise the things he DOES do for what they are. Has he identified anything he feels he can realistically do? Has he dropped the chivalrous stuff you mentioned or does he still do all that when you're together?

And I think you're right in that having kids right now would be tough on your marriage and you're wise to want to be in a better place before adding more pressure.

People find time for what’s important to them. He doesn’t have to show his love for you in the same way you show yours for him. But he needs to make the effort to show that he knows and valúes who you are. Some people are very good at compartmentalizing, so he may not think much about you at work. But he needs to try to let you know he loves you at home. Small things count. If he can’t manage a simple note or little treat when you’ve told him how important that is to you, it’s a symptom of much bigger problems in the marriage.

@GarlicHound

As soon as we were married - and I mean we were still sitting at the registry desk - he seemed to cast me in the role of cartoon wife, the ball & chain holding him back. While I couldn't believe what was happening and kept trying to fix it (for a year or so), I now realise this is more common than we think. Abusers are known to 'become' abusive upon engagement, marriage, pregnancy or birth of a child - as soon as they feel they've caught you, basically.

Omg, this is EXACTLY what happened to me! YES - abusive exH cast me in that role upon getting married, and that was that. It bore no relation to who I actually was. It was like he could not see me anymore, just a cut-out named "Wife". And the whole relationship became a cycle of nasty/nice/nasty/nice for no reason whatsoever. He would frequently refuse to speak to me for no reason, for sometimes up to three weeks. He worked himself up into such a lather of contempt towards me that he eventually walked out one day with no warning. His excuse for ALL that treatment was that I'd put on weight. Yet I was the same weight as on my wedding day when he'd been so happy to marry me. Total narcissist - the devaluation, everything.

Sorry for the thread derail; it was just so spooky the way you described it, it's like my own marriage being described.

I agree that longterm neglect is a form of abuse.

Myself and my partner never text. I find it odd when people text the person they live with every day. Not texting is fine for some couples, so there is nothing wrong with it per se, it's just that you are mismatched in this regard. You mentioned other things which I feel are actually MORE of a display of love. He listens to your opinions, your ideas for the future, offers you the better seat, cares for your safety etc etc. These are actually meaningful acts, moreso than coffee in a heart mug?

This sounds a bit needy.

@Borae

Sorry, OP, this sounds very lonely! And really not sustainable!! What’s the prognosis for his private practice? When will he have a few evenings home again?

It’ll be interesting to hear what he says about his homework task, or lack of, in the next therapy session. Expecting an effort then nothing is worse… 😬

I used to get caught up in feeling similar with my DH and we have been together for 20 years. When the DC came along we had little time and I used to still do the whole thing you are - cute notes, getting items he likes, making sure he had time to relax from DC - I shake my head how silly I was! I dialled it right down and he gets precisely one note a week and if the shopping is being done, it’s when I need something. I don’t think he even noticed the changes and I feel less stressed and focus on DC wants first of course, me second.

I think step back from the gestures and see what happens.

What job does he do? Have his hours increased or is he self employed? Did his behaviour change at the same time as something else?

He has his own business/practise. His work isn't going to change and it isn't going to get better if he is building it up

Iv seen many marriages crumble under self employment/running own business.

His work is the core problem. Texting you or anything else will not change your resentment to him putting business before you.

Do not have children.

Unless he can delegate some of his business then this is his life.

Exactly! ‘I’m sending this text because the therapist thought I should’ are

Oh god OP, you sound very similar to my DP i.e. really thoughtful and LOVELY. And I’m like your DH. Overworked and complacent. Your thread has been a wake up call.

Sorry I can’t be of more help. Best of luck with the therapy.

You sound very in your own head and overthinking things. What has he actually said about how he feels about you? Pre-kids and it's not working out. Try adding a baby into the mix. People really are like ships that pass in the night when they have kids.

Have you tried the opposite, instead of saying you don't do x, y, z, try to say something positive, e.g I really appreciate you working so hard at the moment. You must be really tired. I appreciated you coming to therapy. Sometimes positive reinforcement works a lot better.

I wouldn’t be expecting little noted or messages throughout the day; but time to connect in some evenings, weekends, holidays. I can’t really tell whether you are needed or of if he is married to his job.

If you don’t share much time together the relationship will drift further apart.

I wish I could remember her name but there is a really really good woman on instagram - a relationship coach - who just posts such brilliant stuff about men and how they only speak the language of 'action' and 'consequences'

he doesn't believe you. He doesn't believe your warnings and is ignoring your pleading because he can disengage without a real consequence.

You are hurting - and people here seem to be sayin gignore your instincts

I just think you need to make this man face the consequences of his actions

I'm surprised at the responses on a woman focused site.

The OP is setting boundaries in a marriage - not very difficult ones for this man to reach!

She is feeling unloved and the marriage is at crisis to the point this couple are in therapy within two years - that shows pretty severe cracks.

Putting aside ALL the he said she said, this marriage is in trouble - yet the man is doing absolutely nothing that is being asked of him.

He sounds emotionally very disengaged. It sounds like two people who have become very disconnected - and the man has been given some really clear suggestions on how to reconnect to his unhappy partner and is deliberately not doing them

I am going to assume this man is intelligent - he has a job he is a man out in the world - so if he was asked to complete some non complicarted tasks at work - or he lost his job - I think he could do them.

So - he is (can we assume? ) capable of doing what is being asked of him here - in order to make his wife feel loved.

OP - this is my feeling - you need to give this man consequences not warnings and endless begging.

Its not working.

You need to show him real hard consequences - and set real genuine boundaries.

You say - I'm going, Im out of this relationship - I've moved out (or however you decide to do this) - and you say - if you want to make it work, it has to be different - please let me know when you have thought about how to do that.

at the moment you are in some sort of begging, pleading dance - where you set him homework that is just the bare minimum of a loving relationship.]

Sometimes I find what my husband wants from me tiring , draining whatever - but because I love him, I know I need him to feel loved. So I engage, listen, connect.

I disagree. An unentangled loving gesture is complete in itself. If you get a response that you don't like, then the feedback to yourself is to reconsider how and to whom you have chosen to bestow your love. Not to declare the recipient wrong and set about retraining them.

My hope is for a wee dent in OP's certainty that she is loving and lovely. To open a window to self-reflection. I suspect her sweet gestures originate as a need, morph into a demand, end up a rebuke. None of that is love.

At best, these two sound incompatible; at worst, neither cares much for the reality of the other. A little self-knowledge would be a worthwhile gain from the experience.

If your husband isn't coming home until midnight many nights and has cut off from you, the possibility of an affair is real.

My DH has his own business and it is all consuming. He is never fully “off” and has learned to deal with the considerable stress and pressure that accompanies it. It’s very different to having a salaried job.

You’ve spoken a lot about what you do to connect with him but what stands out to me is that you don’t seem to ever talk about his work when it’s such a huge and important part of his life.

Maybe you can reconnect by asking and taking a proper interest in his work on a date night for example. Then follow up with a text at work “hey, how did it go with Janet in the end?” etc and build from there.