Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

My OH used to have a very full on job and frequently worked overseas. I used to get very upset because although he would call and email it wasn't as frequent as I would have liked. I used to think FFS, he could send flowers, interflora must be international. I once sent him a playlist for his birthday, didn't even mention it. My strategy was twofold. Firstly I made myself care less. I gave up on expecting anything whilst he was at work. When we discussed it he genuinely couldn't see an issue. So I settled for the rather lovely lifestyle I had because of his insane work schedule. Secondly I laid it down really clearly what I expected when he wasn't working. Mainly we decided to go on holiday more. No work, absolutely no distractions so we could reconnect. However if you find after really clear communication your husband can't or won't give you what you need you need to decide whether this relationship is for you.

💯

A marriage doesn’t get fixed in an hour a fortnight!

OP, there is too much distance between what you need, and what he’s offering. Especially with you wanting kids, you need to leave. You won’t see him, he won’t change and you’ll be doing the same but with no sleep, all the wifework and unhappy kids.

Leave quickly so you have time to meet someone else and have a family.

It would be a hundred times worse if you had kids.

Imagine doing it all by yourself?????

If you seriously want kids. You need to ditch him and think about starting again. You have got time.

You're just sowing problems if you decide to settle and have a family with him.

Stop trying to make him something he’s not. He's not looking for intimacy or a best friend. He’s looking for a housekeeper, occasional dinner/travel companion and sex partner.

Soon enough, you’ll be on mat leave absolutely exhausted and raising your child/ren effectively alone. Then you’ll be financially dependent on him too.

If you want to stay in a relationship with this man, get what you need elsewhere. Find intimacy and affection from your friends and family. Use the financial security he offers (if he offers it) to pursue things that matter to you.

Since he treats you like an employee rather than an equal, you should negotiate the terms of motherhood before getting pregnant. Will you have childcare? When? Will he support you financially while you are off work? How much? Will you go back to work? What role will your family have? What about his family?

Assume he won’t lift a finger to help with his own child, will expect you to continue housekeeping as you have been doing, and will continue to provide zero emotional support as you go through the hardest time of your life. Put money aside for yourself while you can, so you have options.

Personally I wouldn’t be interested in a relationship like this, but that is your decision. But you should open your eyes before you bring a child into this.

Sounds to me like you are a lovely wife and he’s not appreciating just what a gem he has.

It's 2 years.

Doesn't sound like you've got any kids.

Leave him.

He.isnt going to change.

And you're just wasting your time.

Find someone who treats you better and build a life with them.

I don’t know why you feel like a flatmate, because he wouldn’t do these things for a flatmate. These are his ways of showing he cares. I am naturally not the type of person to show my love by messages/texts/gifts etc either. If I was given this as some sort of homework it would annoy me.

It seems like the problem actually is that you aren’t spending enough time together. Your current schedules aren’t working. How long are you expecting to be living together without seeing each other during the week? I think you need to work toward changing this or agree an amount of time to live like this before making a change. It doesn’t seem sustainable. It would be incredibly unsustainable with a baby. You need to revisit a discussion about your long term plans regarding work and family and agree timeframes/goals etc. This texting thing seems a red herring.

If I was working hard and taking time to go to therapy I’d be annoyed being given homework.

Cool.

This rings alarm bells. Why on earth would you think it's a good idea to bring a dog into a household where both of you are out of the house so much?

Okay…if I am honest I don’t think I would do the homework either. I would also feel that I was being forced to do something. I hate that feeling of being controlled or told what to do. I know the intention of the homework isn’t quite that, but that is how I would feel.

I am quite a bit older than op however. I understand that these things really matter to younger women.

Has your therapist discussed what love languages are and what the different types are? It sounds like you aren’t connecting with how each other feels appreciated and respected. The small acts of kindness (notes, coffees etc) are probably how you want to be appreciated but are they how he wants to be appreciated?

And have you spelled out exactly the ways you want to be appreciated? (that he can actually manage with his work hours).

E.g. Me and DH don’t bother with gifts for each other at all because gift giving isn’t either of our love languages.

Sounds like he is busy with work and exhausted and probably genuinely not fussed by some of the things you choose to do for him. You think they are sweet but he sounds genuinely distracted with work things. Does he see that he will be working at this level long term. If it was short term I would be ok with it.

I only see my DH at the weekends and then we don't really have quality time as there's always so much that needs done.

We talk three times a day and video call at night. At weekends, we touch feet in bed as we're both exhausted and cuddling makes us too hot, but that's an easy way to connect. I used to write notes and hide it in his lunch. He used to make me a coffee and leave it for me to reheat when I woke up. I get you. It's just the little things.

How are things when you're in the same room? Do youse sit near eachother? Do youse ever have physical touch without it being intimate/initiating of sex? You don't feel seen. Ofcourse it can have a massive impact. What human contact do you have with eachother at the weekends? Sometimes little physical touch can help the connection. If you asked him for a cuddle, how would he react and how does it make you feel?

Do not have children with a man who thinks earning money excuses him from every other responsibility in life and expect anything but years of solo parenting.

I'd be really tempted at the next session not to initiate anything. Just say: I want to hear from DH how he feels about me and our marriage. Then say nothing. See how it goes.

My guess is that he is one of those men who thinks (maybe subconsciously) Right. Married now. Tick. Done. Got a Wife. Without realising that continued effort needs to be put into the relationship for it to thrive. He's 'got the wife' and is now focused on 'getting the career'. He needs to find a better work life balance. Not sure if you have said what he does - obviously some careers are very hard indeed to scale back for a long time when starting out - medicine, law, setting up your own business etc. But what matters is that the time you do have is good quality.

If you had really excellent weekends together, would you feel more comfortable during the week focusing on yourself - your health, your plans, and trusting that although his head is elsewhere when he works, he loves you and is in this for the long haul?

Can you chat about really enjoying weekends - maybe spend an hour together on Saturday mornings looking at what is on in the next few months and booking some shows and gigs or events, or days out or weekends away so there is always something to look forward to.

I’d just be giving him space to focus on work, letting him know I’m around if he needs anything and then focus on spending quality time together on the weekends.

I agree. If the homework wasn’t possible or realistic he should have said ‘I won’t have time to do that, let’s think of something else that can make her feel loved that I can do’ in the therapy session. He just doesn’t care. Op is flogging a dead horse and should find someone nicer while she is still young and it’s easier.

It’s not the fact he’s not doing the notes. It’s the fact he’s not doing the homework that was set to better your relationship, which shows he doesn’t care. If he did care and wanted to make an effort to improve things, he’d do the homework, no matter what it was. If you have a problem with that, leave him. He sounds like a twat

Another vote for doing the 5 love languages quiz.
Mine is quality time, DH is acts of service which was quite low on my list so I have to make a conscious effort to do things for him so he feels loved.
I also know that him cooking a meal, doing the washing and ironing- all the practical day to day stuff , is his way of showing he loves me. He would never write a note, buy flowers or say he loves me because gifts and words of affirmation are not his love languages.
We often go out for breakfast together which is our quality time.
We’ve been married almost 30 years. 🙂

I have done as you suggest and it hasn’t made a blind bit of difference to me. Some observations:

DH has agreed to attend counselling which is good given that op and him are so busy. So this suggests his intention or desire for this to work.

I feel that op should have counselling on her own to work out many things: why she married such a man being one of them because from what I have read I think the problem ultimately lies within Op herself.

My colleague at work was like this. Guy just full on working nonstop. Addicted to his job. Also self employed. She left! He got some shock. Woke him up and then he engaged with counselling etc. She wasn't going back until there was significant change. Now things are much better and they have two children. Leaving was the only thing that worked.
Don't remind him of the homework. Let him go back into the counselling and explain himself.

Were you together long before you married? It feels to me that you are still trying to maintain the first romantic flush and he is past that.
Everything you say about him is positive except for him making contact while he's at work. I suspect he sees that as you being needy and you see it as him not caring. The answer is probably in the middle.
I cannot imagine he will change and you each have different expectations from marriage.
The grass isn't always greener though.