Page 18 | Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Borae · 2025-11-15T12:19:34+00:00

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist. One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection. He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug. I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me. Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs. What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

WhatAKnob47 · 15/11/2025 15:49

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We function well in the mundane.

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:45

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ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/11/2025 15:45

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What’s the point in trying to imply she was willing to neglect a dog that doesn’t exist? Her husband used to work from home and had more time so they thought about getting a dog in the future, then things changed and he’s not at home and the relationship is dead so they’re not thinking of getting a dog. Where on earth in that were they planning to neglect a dog?

WhatAKnob47 · 15/11/2025 15:44

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:30

Every night this week I went home and thought maybe he’s done x/y/z. This will be the night where he shows me our marriage matters to him. And every night I’ve been crushed. I’ve got such low standards. Im begging for any little crumb. I’ve spelled it out him. And I’m still disappointed. I’m so ashamed that when I hear a friends husband/boyfriend has done something g nice for them I’m no longer happy for them. I’m so jealous and resentful. I hate feeling like that. A friend I commute with had her husband pick her up from the st with an Indian takeaway. And I honestly felt so sad. I could’ve cried. I hate feeling so jealous.

Edited

I told my husband that i felt unappreciated and unseen. He suggested that we write one thing we appreciate about the other in a notebook every day. He did it for a few days and then didn't bother anymore. He couldn't even write something nice about me every day in a notebook next to the bed. I throw it in the bin after 7 days of missed entries. I'd written mine. It was heartbreaking. The thing is I've invested 15 years and have 2 kids. In your position I'd run in the opposite direction. You'll only get more invested and more intangible.

runningonberocca · 15/11/2025 15:44

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 15/11/2025 15:10

I don’t know why you feel like a flatmate, because he wouldn’t do these things for a flatmate. These are his ways of showing he cares. I am naturally not the type of person to show my love by messages/texts/gifts etc either. If I was given this as some sort of homework it would annoy me.

It seems like the problem actually is that you aren’t spending enough time together. Your current schedules aren’t working. How long are you expecting to be living together without seeing each other during the week? I think you need to work toward changing this or agree an amount of time to live like this before making a change. It doesn’t seem sustainable. It would be incredibly unsustainable with a baby. You need to revisit a discussion about your long term plans regarding work and family and agree timeframes/goals etc. This texting thing seems a red herring.

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Of course he would do these things for a flat mate. I’ve often had a neighbour or a random stranger offer to help with heavy bags.

ilovesooty · 15/11/2025 15:42

Rewis · 15/11/2025 15:32

I don't think it matters what we think about notes or treats or ironing etc.
If you're in therapy with your wife. You have discussed her needs. You have agreed on the homework. Even if he thinks sending text is ridiculous, you do it for your wife.

We still don't know if he wants to be there.

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:42

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/11/2025 15:42

WhatAKnob47 · 15/11/2025 14:51

You've told him what you need/ want. He's choosing not to give you that for whatever reason. Now, you need to decide if your prepared with someone who chooses not to meet your needs once you've expressed them.

I certainly wouldn't add kids to this equation. You will have to sacrifice everything and raise children alone while he works and ignores your needs. At least at the moment you have a job, income, independence and pension.

Ignore people saying your needy. We all have needs and wants. In the grap scheme of things a text thiningbif you a few times a week is very low effort. Your H must get breaks, he must eat, use the loo, have journey time. He can take 10 seconds to rest you. He chooses not to.

My Dh worked ridiculous hours for many years in a really stressful job. No, he didn't really get breaks other than to use the toilet, didn't eat lunch. Drove to and from work so no train commute to be able to text me on. There are jobs like that. Sometimes if he went to the toilet I'd get a "mad day, X has happened, looks like I'll be working till the early hours, won't be in for tea, hope you're ok" text. His job was such that even on the toilet he'd probably be tryign to answer his work texts. But he had very irregular hours so his routine was different every day, hence the need for texts. If it was a set routine I don't think I would have expected a text from him as I would know when to expect him home.

OP, when you go on holiday together, what is it like? Do you reconnect then? When you have all that free time and you're both together?

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 15:40

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Original poster

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:40

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/11/2025 15:07

This rings alarm bells. Why on earth would you think it's a good idea to bring a dog into a household where both of you are out of the house so much?

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The dog was only on the cards when things were more balanced. I would never neglect a dog.

OP posts:

newbluesofa · 15/11/2025 15:39

Borae · 15/11/2025 14:39

If you didn’t see your wife or husband during the work week, how would you find ways to connect when you are two ships in the night? I’m getting stick for what I do as annoying but I’m very open to suggestions.

People have ran with the soppy note thing but it’s only one way I try to show him I love him and he means something to me. I will:

cook his favourite meals
make turmeric and ginger shots
iron the odd shirt
bake him sweet treats/protein balls
leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
bring him coffee in the morning
make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
i share links to events I know he will like/book them
I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

I don't really get anything in return. Im not a mushy person at all. I just am trying to have a connection with my husband.

Out marriage is clearly not doing well right now. And I’m basically just pleading with dh to engage. I want to be married to him. I don’t want a divorce. But this is getting absurd.

Edited

So it's been at least 10 days since he did anything to show you he's thinking of you??

I find all the replies along the lines of 'well I don't think of my husband at all when I'm busy at work/I think it's very immature to leave notes' completely irrelevant. It's the kind of thing you want, so you need a partner who feels the same.

My husband and I have been together for 17 years, and we still do things like this, even though we both WFH and see each other all the time! Eg. I might leave a post it on a snack he's going to eat. He'll then add a heart to the post it and move it somewhere I'll see it. We text constantly, I couldn't even tell you what about. A lot of women on this thread will say that sounds awful, which is fine, they have different preferences and they've found a partner that works for them.

Ultimately if you want to feel like you're on his mind and find ways to connect when you basically don't see each other that week, if that's important to you then it would be important to a good partner as well. If it's not important to him then it shows he thinks very differently about the relationship that you do and that's a problem.

The thing is, maybe he does a couple of things but if it's not coming from a genuine place and it's just forced then it's not solving the deeper issue. It sounds like you're finding you're not compatible and that's what needs to be explored in the therapy. Good luck

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/11/2025 15:37

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 15/11/2025 15:36

It doesn’t need to be soppy. Last week I had a biscuit on my commute that was out of this world. I went back the next day to buy one for DH so he could try it

That's soppy! It's over the top and makes me cringe.

Buying someone a biscuit to try is not soppy, don’t be silly

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 15/11/2025 15:36

It doesn’t need to be soppy. Last week I had a biscuit on my commute that was out of this world. I went back the next day to buy one for DH so he could try it

That's soppy! It's over the top and makes me cringe.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/11/2025 15:35

How many days into the 10 days did you start asking him/reminding him about his homework? Maybe the prompting/reminding isn’t helping

BlissfullyBlue · 15/11/2025 15:33

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:30

Every night this week I went home and thought maybe he’s done x/y/z. This will be the night where he shows me our marriage matters to him. And every night I’ve been crushed. I’ve got such low standards. Im begging for any little crumb. I’ve spelled it out him. And I’m still disappointed. I’m so ashamed that when I hear a friends husband/boyfriend has done something g nice for them I’m no longer happy for them. I’m so jealous and resentful. I hate feeling like that. A friend I commute with had her husband pick her up from the st with an Indian takeaway. And I honestly felt so sad. I could’ve cried. I hate feeling so jealous.

Edited

You are setting him up to fail every night.

This is just not who he is (or what he has time for). It’s not his fault, or yours. You require a lot of attention and have a particular and slightly disneyfied viewpoint on what is necessary to make a marriage work. He doesn’t share that world view.

You can’t force this. You need to recognise your incompatibility, part friends, and move on to find someone who has much more spare time on his hands.

Rewis · 15/11/2025 15:32

I don't think it matters what we think about notes or treats or ironing etc.
If you're in therapy with your wife. You have discussed her needs. You have agreed on the homework. Even if he thinks sending text is ridiculous, you do it for your wife.

Nevereatcardboard · 15/11/2025 15:32

@Borae during the week it sounds like you’d have more of an emotional connection with a tree in the garden than with your husband! I would start considering if divorce would be better than this awkwardness. I know you want a family, but this man doesn’t sound like he would be an involved, caring father. He will also be a rubbish dog owner. Don’t waste much more time trying to save a marriage that clearly isn’t working.

butterpuffed · 15/11/2025 15:31

Borae · 15/11/2025 13:07

When we are together he is naturally chivalrous. Ie will carry suitcases, the shopping bags etc. He’ll offer me the best seat.

He is very sweet about my personal safety ie I will say I’m catching the train to go to meet friends. He used to give me lifts but now will insist on booking me a taxi.

He’s interested in my take on world events. He appreciates I have opinions.

He values my input on our future plans.

We used to be very physical but that has definitely taken a step back. I have absolutely no impulse to initiate like I used to as I feel like he’s not doing his bit.

I appreciate all of the above. But I still feel like we are flatmates. Im begging to find ways to connect whilst we are in this busy season of life. But I get absolutely nothing back.

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He does the above but you'd rather he texts you because he's been 'explicitly' told to by a counsellor .

I'd change the counsellor rather than the husband.

Original poster

Borae · 15/11/2025 15:30

Every night this week I went home and thought maybe he’s done x/y/z. This will be the night where he shows me our marriage matters to him. And every night I’ve been crushed. I’ve got such low standards. Im begging for any little crumb. I’ve spelled it out him. And I’m still disappointed. I’m so ashamed that when I hear a friends husband/boyfriend has done something g nice for them I’m no longer happy for them. I’m so jealous and resentful. I hate feeling like that. A friend I commute with had her husband pick her up from the st with an Indian takeaway. And I honestly felt so sad. I could’ve cried. I hate feeling so jealous.

OP posts:

BlissfullyBlue · 15/11/2025 15:27

WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 15/11/2025 15:18

Does he want or ask you to do any of those things, or are they things you actually want him to do for you?

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Agreed. It’s the equivalent of giving him a Christmas present she would really like for herself.

“Here’s your diamond earrings, nail polish and a home made turmeric shot darling. I love those so I know you would too. Now, where’s my present?”

runningonberocca · 15/11/2025 15:27

SquareEyedSue · 15/11/2025 14:48

I could say that posts like yours show people who have been brainwashed by ideas of romance. But I won’t say it because it’s rude to make blanket statements about people who express their personal views, isn’t it?

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As a woman in my 50s , in a relationship for nearly 20 yrs - I don’t think I’ve been brainwashed by ideas if romance. I do however expect respect, affection and thoughtfulness from my DP - however he chooses to show that. The idea that people are telling a young woman in the early stages of her marriage to just put up with the total disregard and lack of any meaningful connection and give the poor man some sex - sure isnt he working very hard - is so regressed and misogynistic.

BlissfullyBlue · 15/11/2025 15:24

Borae · 15/11/2025 14:39

If you didn’t see your wife or husband during the work week, how would you find ways to connect when you are two ships in the night? I’m getting stick for what I do as annoying but I’m very open to suggestions.

People have ran with the soppy note thing but it’s only one way I try to show him I love him and he means something to me. I will:

cook his favourite meals
make turmeric and ginger shots
iron the odd shirt
bake him sweet treats/protein balls
leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
bring him coffee in the morning
make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
i share links to events I know he will like/book them
I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

I don't really get anything in return. Im not a mushy person at all. I just am trying to have a connection with my husband.

Out marriage is clearly not doing well right now. And I’m basically just pleading with dh to engage. I want to be married to him. I don’t want a divorce. But this is getting absurd.

Edited

I don’t do any of this, and neither do most people I know. Or certainly not in a performative way which requires reciprocation - yes I’ll buy DH his favourite beer or cook things he likes (and vice versa) but that’s all part of keeping things ticking over generally and I would never frame it as a demonstration of love which requires reciprocation. That fees manipulative.

What actually matters is how couples make the most of the time they do have together. If we don’t see each other for a few days because of work, that’s just the way it is (and the way life is for lots of hardworking couples).

When we’re busy, we are in it together and support each other. We don’t add to the burden by expecting extra stuff in the bits in between and sulking during the little time we do have.

When we do see each other, we’re very tactile and appreciative. We’ll hug, cuddle up together, have sex, tell each other we love each other, compliment each other, have great conversations, make each other laugh, download our anxieties, cook together, go for walks together, etc etc. If you have a meaningful connection like this, then pissing about with post it notes and texts is unnecessary.

I do think you’re unreasonable asking for more when he’s so busy. I genuinely think that you need to find someone with a less demanding job or a more relaxed work ethic. Most people who are as busy as he is would not be able to cope with the constant additional pressure of performing for their partner while juggling everything else.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/11/2025 15:19

justasking111 · 15/11/2025 14:18

Friends husband NHS worked crazy hours to become a consultant, he said that the hours would improve. They haven't. I don't know how she sticks it except she goes home to mums with the kids a lot.

My idea of hell.

Do you think that consultants should stay single then and never become a parent? Be realistic.

WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 15/11/2025 15:18

Borae · 15/11/2025 14:39

If you didn’t see your wife or husband during the work week, how would you find ways to connect when you are two ships in the night? I’m getting stick for what I do as annoying but I’m very open to suggestions.

People have ran with the soppy note thing but it’s only one way I try to show him I love him and he means something to me. I will:

cook his favourite meals
make turmeric and ginger shots
iron the odd shirt
bake him sweet treats/protein balls
leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
bring him coffee in the morning
make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
i share links to events I know he will like/book them
I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

I don't really get anything in return. Im not a mushy person at all. I just am trying to have a connection with my husband.

Out marriage is clearly not doing well right now. And I’m basically just pleading with dh to engage. I want to be married to him. I don’t want a divorce. But this is getting absurd.

Edited

Does he want or ask you to do any of those things, or are they things you actually want him to do for you?

BunnyLake · 15/11/2025 15:17

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No, just someone who believes couples should be nice to each other. I’m not romantic or huggy or anything and wouldn’t write love notes but sweet, small gestures can be nice.