Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

This isn't about just gestures. This is about an entire marital landscape that's bleak and devoid of all connection.

Agree.

I spent years in a deeply unhappy marriage. I think I'd be questioning the point of this therapy and how it's being handled.

You don't want to be married to him as he really is.

You want an idealized him that gives you all those little gestures you think prove love. You're trying to control his behaviour and change him into the husband you want him to be. You can't do that.

He may love you now but you demanding he change and send notes and stuff as another job to tend to you as you want when he's on his real job is likely going to drive you apart. There's a point he'll have to choose between his career, which is hard work, and you, and you're hard work and intrusive on his working time.

This is premised on a mischaracterisation though.

The issue is that OP thinks he doesn’t care about her enough because he’s not texting her or performing other “love” tasks specifically during work hours and during the working week when he’s working until midnight.

That’s the question. If someone fails to do this stuff when they’re working flat out, is it right to conclude that “he genuinely doesn’t care about her”?

I think not; there are many many people on this thread with successful marriages who care about their partners, but would not be sticking post-it notes on mirrors and leaving soppy voice notes when they’re flat out at work. That is not the definition of caring or a prerequisite for a good relationship.

The OP has not moved an inch in response to the many many posts saying that what she’s demanding from her DH (again, specifically during work hours and during the working week when he’s working until midnight) isn’t the norm.

She continues to present it from a completely inflexible perspective and appears to be backed by a therapist who is validating her (unusual) world view but not really engaging with the husband. Posts like yours which ignore the context and the nuance, and conclude that “there is no bar” and “he doesn’t care about her at all” are encouraging OP to entrench herself and narrow her perspective even further.

If she wants to save her marriage that is not the way to go.

But the answer to loneliness is not to force your partner to conform to your specific expectations - it's to leave and find someone who can.

I can totally understand you not wanting to stop doing the things you do for him I think you have to face the message he’s giving you loud and clear here though.

You’re upset, you’ve told him why, you’ve told him how to make you feel better, he’s agreed to do it but has done nothing.

He is giving you a message loud and clear. It’s what you want to do with that information that is important now

What would be kinder to you though, is to lower any expectations of reciprocity.

What was he like before you married?

OP, some of the comments are coming from posters who clearly have no idea how dreadful it is to be in a deeply lonely marriage. I myself would never have believed how awful it could be if I hadn't experienced it from the inside. I would go so far as it say that it's psychologically damaging. Try to ignore some of the less than helpful comments. They don't know how it feels.

This.

See a solicitor, and start making plans for the rest of your life.

He thinks he's too important to pay attention to what a mere therapist has told him to do. He thinks his career demands are too important to pay attention to your needs.

This is a question of priorities, not time. It takes so little time to whip out your phone and send a heart emoji to your wife during the day. He could even take a few minutes and schedule love notes.

But if he doesn't connect "emotion" with cookies, turmeric shots, notes and texts, he's never going to see the point in doing them - whether he cares or not - that's the point.

There's no indication in her posts that he doesn't care, just that he won't do the things that she's decided she needs from him. But he never did them at the beginning - so why would he start now?

But that's the whole point. Things change. The dog is a metaphor really. Jobs change from WFH to working long hours quite often and unexpectedly in life and that can have a profound effect on how you have your life set up. It isn't realistic to expect otherwise, and I was questioning whether OP just has a generally unrealtistic outlook in what is possible with what they have to deal with. Sometimes life is not perfect. You can't have the Disney version because it's not real life. Real life has ups and downs, sacrifices, compromises, the rough and the smooth.

Interestingly, the famous divorce lawyer James Sexton advocates for these bids of connection throughout the day, including leaving notes for each other. And he's seen a thing or two about marriage.

I agree.

OP, having read your updates, it sounds as if you're desperately starved of connection in your marriage. It's concerning that he won't listen to your unhappiness. I was married to someone like this and it never changed, in fact it got worse. You are so unhappy that I do wonder if this is the right marriage for you. Think about it.

I have been where you are, and I sympathise deeply. When your marriage is in name only, it feels like being in this depressing, bleak, grey vacuum. You can't have any romance or connection with your spouse, but since you're married, there's no possibilty or chance of ever having it with anyone else, either. It's an intensely lonely place to be, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My experience is that people like this don't change, and like yours, my husband dismissed me. He turned out to be pretty sexist, and I think dismissing your female partner's complaints is a good indicator of buried sexism.

I stayed far longer than I should have. What I learnt is that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. I don't normally advocate for divorce, but sometimes it's better than wasting more of your youth on someone who is completely pigheaded.

This isn't romance. This is her emotional needs. She doesn't specifically need a note, that was just what was agreed / suggested at counselling. She just wants some tiny indication of any type that he cares about her and appreciates her.

He’s just a bog-standard workaholic OP. There are lots of women on Mumsnet who have suffered through marriages like these. Adding children to the mix would be a disaster.

If I were you, I would start a new thread in Relationships asking for advice on being married to a workaholic, but my experience is that it rarely improves.

Cut your losses. You can't clap with one hand.

He's wearing you down to see how much indifference you'll accept so he can go on with his career while someone else cooks for him and does his laundry.

So because he won't conform to her expectations of romance, he doesn't care?

No.

But their wives and partners' expectations need to be realistic.

You can't work health care and switch off from your job because your partner wants thoughtful little gestures. There's someone waiting to be sewn up, test results coming in constantly and some with critical values that need to be dealt with them, and the list is endless. The pace is relentless.

You see 40+ patients in 8 hours and maybe get lunch and have to send on scripts and deal with a multitude of issues and see how you feel having to stop to send a "love note" because your spouse doesn't get you're working and can't stop.

If he doesn't genuinely care about her maybe he should have given that a bit more thought before he married her or at least have the honesty to tell her.

The bar is officially non fucking existent.

@Borae A large part of this is ingrained by society/culture. I would not be overly expressive with affection towards a woman as it would normally be considered 'creepy.'

If you're someone who appreciates affection, then it will take time for husband to unlearn something that's been drilled into him by society.

But the point is it wouldn't be genuine, so why bother?