Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

People are calling her needy, childish, "Disneyfied" for just wanting a DH who is engaged in keeping a marriage healthy. If you think love notes are "cringe" and buying a nice biscuit "too much" well that's you isn't it. I don't think there's any need to make fun of OP. People have said she's controlling! For wanting to know that he does in fact love her!

If any of my mates had a DH like this I'd be concerned. On here people are like '"how dare you he is Big and Important". Nah fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Or maybe a chance for him to miss you? In any case your notes and gestures don’t seem to be working so it’s time to try a different strategy.

I was long distance for a while and often felt like I was making more effort than him to stay connected. But I noticed that if I was really busy for a few days and couldn’t write or call then he would start reaching out to me more. It just took him longer to miss me. I’d usually want to talk every day, he took about 48 hours without contact to start needing me.

I know that sex and connection often feel different for men and women as well. Like, women need emotional connection to want sex and men find emotional connection through sex. A horrible oversimplification but I think there’s something in it, on average. You shouldn’t make yourself have sex if you don’t want to. Just be aware that romantic gestures without sex might feel to him like demands more than they feel like connection, somewhat similar to how sex without romance would feel meaningless to you.

It just all seems very one-sided - OP is expecting him to change and do XYZ because that's how she shows affection and she wants him to conform to that. That's not how a happy marriage works.

My sister is a bit.like you. She has her own "rules" of how people should behave and is frequently disappointed

I think it's important to remember that our way isn't necessarily the right / only way. My husband doesn't do the stuff you're asking for, but shows up in so many other ways

Is your husband happy in the relationship? Perhaps these gestures aren't important to him. My husband would be baffled if I suggested he buy me flowers

Yes but OP’s husband willingly went into therapy in order to IMPROVE his connection with his wife. This is a joint project between the two of them. They both thought it was a good idea to figure out what works for them as a couple. Neither can stand pat and just say “ take it or leave it.”

@Borae I do think this is a lot about love languages. I empathise as I had a similar situation in my marriage. We're now divorced after 20 years together.

I was very similar to you - I wanted my exDH to connect with me, make the little efforts and gestures that I did for him. We had therapy and nothing changed. I felt so invisible and unloved and our physical intimacy dwindled to zero.

I have done a lot of personal therapy and reflection since my divorce. What I have found out is that my exDH did not care at all about all the care and effort I put into the relationship. The little treats I bought him, baking his favourite cake, organising dates, sending him loving texts - it really didn't mean that much to him! I think he thought it was nice, but honestly not in the way I would have, had it been reciprocated!

And I have since found out that he felt neglected and unappreciated in our marriage as he had wanted to have more sex with me. That was his love language and how he felt loved. The problem was that over the years I didn't feel loved so I didn't feel like I wanted sex with him. He felt that he was showing me love by being the breadwinner in the relationship, and although I did appreciate that so much (and often told him), I also wanted more emotional intimacy and connection before I would feel like I wanted to have sex with him.

There were a lot of other problems and stress in our marriage which eventually led to us splitting up. But if the rest of your marriage is good and you want to stay together, I think you will either both have to really listen to the other one about what is important for them, and make an effort to do it, or you will both have to accept that the other ones way of showing and expressing love is different to your own, and be at peace with that.

It's not easy though!

I admit to not reading every post but are people mocking the OP? Or are the majority explaining that what she’s desperately hoping for isn’t going to happen?

A few posters have enquired what her husband was like in terms of romance prior to getting married but the OP seems reluctant to answer that.

If he didn't care then why would he agree to even go to the counselling?

None of us know how the real dynamic is between OP and her DH. We don't see them when they're together. We don't see them when they're at a social gathering together where OP doesn't know a lot of people, for example, so we can't see whether he's checking that OP is ok while he has ended up stuck in a corner with a couple of acquaintances talking at him for 20 minutes.

Or on a date where it's just the two of them - do they discuss their respective work situations and seek each other's opinions about dilemmas they have? Do they discuss future plans together eg dreams of travelling somewhere specific? Does DH mention to OP that he's seen that a new restaurant open up on the high street and that it looks like it would be OP's sort of thing, and does she want to try it? Does he remember that her family member hasn't been well and remember to ask how their hospital appointment went?

Does DH notice when OP seems sad or quiet and ask her if anything is wrong?

Is he loyal to her and stick up for her if he feels she's being treated unfairly by someone?

Did he look devastated when the idea of going to relationship counselling was broached? Was he sad at the thought that it could be a sign their relationship was going to end?

How is DH's parents' relatiionship? What was his previous relationship history? Does he find it hard to show emotion generally? Is he physically affectionate?

etc etc...

So much detail we aren't party to.

Could you start ball rolling by ringing him everyday and having a chat?

Myself and dh can be ships in rhe night as he works long days. I ring him everyday on the way to work. We have a natter about what happened the day before, make a plan for weekend.

OP this is just a mismatch I'm sad to say. Also sad to read so many women who are mocking you for doing nice things for your DH and wanting literally anything back. The bar for men is in hell on here isn't it. My DH tells me he loves me several times a day, sends videos/pictures he thinks I will like, we have date nights, it's not bloody hard.

Sorry OP he's married to the job first and you second it sounds like. Therapy only works when people are willing to engage with it.

Sadly I think men like your husband know they arent meeting the standards necessary in a relationship, or at least not meeting your needs,..... which i have to say are perfectly normal needs and not demanding at all. I think men like that just push it as far as they can get away with it, all the time knowing they are inadequate in their responses and that eventually the marriage will end. He's the type who will have 2 or 3 marriages and never really show commitment to anyone fully. They are emotionally unavailable people. You dhould probsbly leave. He's absolutely not right for you. Meet a lovi ng man. You still have time. Have a happy life.

But that’s life, isn’t it? And all the more reason to make the most of the time you do have together. That is what most hardworking couples do.

Instead she is adding to the stress they’re juggling when apart, and storing up perceived infractions which then has a negative impact on weekends.

Either OP has to start taking responsibility for her role in the downgrading of the time they spend together, or find someone who does have the time and the bandwidth to perform romantic gestures during working hours.

For what it’s worth, I think this stuff is so important to the OP that it will be the end of her marriage one way or the other. It is better for both parties to get out while they’re relatively young and can find happiness (and still have time to have kids) with someone genuinely compatible.

OP, can you say what your husband was like during your relationship before you married? Was he romantic?

But not everyone shows their affection in the same way.

DH never tells me he loves me when he leaves for work, but he shows me in so many other ways.

So if a partner says ‘you need to do this to make me feel better’ it has to be done?

Not as upsetting as if you had children with this man

You want different things. Go your own way.

The solution to that is not love notes on the mirror or turmeric shots, though.

Christ the bar for our lovers is so, so, so low.

I am right now next to my dh of 30 years together. He has never stopped showering me with affection—or I him. For years he got up at five for work and was out the door before I woke up. Without fail he would turn from the door as he went out and blow me a kiss and whisper that he loved me. Sometimes I’d be asleep but sometimes I was awake enough to hear it.

We were both plenty busy. Lots of ups and downs. Its not some absurd sentimental silly female fantasy. Only connect is good advice if you want a long and fruitful marriage.

You are setting him up to fail every night.
This is just not who he is (or what he has time for). It’s not his fault, or yours. You require a lot of attention and have a particular and slightly disneyfied viewpoint on what is necessary to make a marriage work. He doesn’t share that world view.

I totally agree with this. And you are not "right" and he is not "wrong". You have the idea that a successful marriage means heart shaped mugs and special notes and texting constantly and he has the idea that a successful marriage means working hard and being financially stable.

You are both taking these ideas to extremes in your own ways. It is entirely unreasonable for you to start demanding that he leaves you notes or leaves wee gifts or whatever because that is just not him. It's not that he's actively deciding to disrespect you, or has checked out of the marriage, it's that it just does not occur to him to do any of that. You can have a successful marriage without the disney gestures.

Rather than focusing on the nonsense about jam, heart shaped mugs and texting a certain number of times a day, it would make more sense for the therapist to focus on the fact you're just not spending time together.

The problem is that the more you push someone into doing something, the more they're liable to pull away from you. I can feel the pressure coming through OP's posts and I don't even know her!

But he works very long hours, often till midnight, so they are not together much at all.

@Borae

Just out of curiosity and sorry if you've said, but has any of this counseling touched on what HE considers as his love language and/or what he would value from you as gestures to show you value him? Or what gestures he feels he does make according to his love language (even if it's not yours).

My BiL's love language is 'providing'. He showed his love by providing his family with a wealthy life style through his hard work. Luckily that's my sister's 'love language', too. She 'provided' by keeping a spotless house, enabling his career, and being a perfect 'hostess'. (Yes, very 1950s, but it worked for them).

Beautifully put.

Apart from the time they are together in person when he sounds lovely albeit that the OP is ruining this time together with her fixation on performative gestures.

I totally agree. But obviously OP wants to try everything first. She's in the stage of making bids for connection - I think the Gottmans have something about this. It's desperately sad that he will not respond to those bids for connection.