Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Then he should have brought it up in the sessions what he wanted from her. Sending one text a day from work is not that big of an ask.

So you know better than couple therapist?

even the president of the United States manages to keep a relationship with his wife.

😂

You have different love languages. It doesn’t mean that it’s doomed but it does mean you have things to work through and it will be a challenge with you both working so much, especially him. My husband isn’t naturally demonstrative (though he does sometimes buy flowers, he often cooks for me, will give me a shoulder rub that sort of thing), while I am, it just means working out a middle way. Is the sex good when you have sex? I think that can count for a lot. However it does sound like you’re very unhappy and things need to change. He sounds like one of those men who is buried in work who will wake up one day having lost you, and be surprised. I always think of the song Try a Little Tenderness - how many men could learn just from really listening to those lyrics.

Is it just the little gestures that are missing or do you feel like you just don't have a connection? I put unreasonable solely because it's maybe just not his style. I love my DH but I don't do anything like that and he doesn't for me. TBH if I was required to I would see it as just another thing to add to my to do list. It wouldn't be coming from a place of love. Sounds like you just need to spend more time together to reconnect. I think it's normal to go through these very busy periods with work and small children where you haven't got a ton of time for each other.

@Borae If children is definitely something that you want in your life, then you need to take action. Not sure if this has been mentioned before, I have only read OPs posts).

You need to have a sit down conversation with him, I wonder if the therapist could help facilitate this. You both need to discuss how you would see a life with children, on a day-to-day basis. How would it work? How many hours would each of you work in your employment? How would you manage housework as a couple? Cooking? How much time woukd you each spend with the children?

To be absolutely honest, his work-life balance is not at all compatible with having children; if you think things are difficult now, then they will be a 1000 times more difficult with little ones factored in. If he can’t see a way that he can contain his work life, and get a better balance, and engage more in the relationship, then I am very sorry, but you should separate. In my view, as you are 31, you have enough time to throw the dice again…

I wonder whether the therapist has even asked whether both of them want to be there.

That’s all a bit silly.

Divorce after a couple of years with no kids in the picture is pretty straightforward and inexpensive. They’d just part ways.

And there’s been no suggestion that he’s chosen OP because he’s domestically incompetent or sexist. The only issue is whether he should be engaging in performative gestures when working flat out. If you have to make stuff up to prove your point, you’re not winning the argument.

You sound absolutely wonderful any man would be lucky to have you.

if you don’t see each other during the week, asking for a text message or a small gesture is absolutely nothing. I do not understand why people are being so unkind. There’s no reason if he has a lunch break, he couldn’t pop out and get something. But hes agreed with a therapist for a text message. like someone else has said, even the president of the United States manages to keep a relationship with his wife.

If he came home ant 6pm and you both had dinner together it would be different. But if you do not see him on an evening, then yes he does need to make some effort to communicate during the day. Or buy you something on his lunch break and leave it out in the kitchen for you in the morning. A packet of biscuits that you like would do.

you are not being unreasonable at all to expect something back between Monday and Friday. You sound wonderful and kind, and I hope he changes for you.

I do agree that the marriage is in trouble because of the mismatch of expectations but the answer to that is communication and compromise, not one person being forced to conform to the expectations of the other.

No, it's showing that he's not willing to just blindly follow OP's requests to behave in a certain way. That's not love. It doesn't prove anything. It's just being obedient.

But the engagement is all about what SHE wants. It's all about him stepping up and doing what she wants, nothing about what he wants and what she should be doing for him.

We don't actually know that.

You are 31 and not having sex my god women leave him

But she's really not happy. If he was doing all the things you list, she'd be happier, wouldnt she.

Hey OP, I can see others have mentioned it but have a look at The Gottman Institutes 'bids for attention', there's also an article called 'She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink' that I think you should read, it's written by a man who is trying to explain to other men why small acts mean so much - I don't suggest you send it to your husband, but I think you would agree with so much the author says.

Your marriage sounds so lonely from what you've written. My partner is currently out of the house with work from 8am-11pm (sometimes later), he's tired, exhausted and we barely see each other. Because of his long hours I make him a packed lunch, always make sure he's got something to eat when he gets back and will pick up the odd thing he might need from the supermarket, like if he's about to run out of toothpaste etc, etc. That's my way of showing him I care.

During the day he'll message to ask how my day is, and will try and call if he gets a break - just to check in and ask how I am. He always give's me a kiss and cuddle before he leaves, and when he comes back home and thanks me for anything I've done for him. If we do speak it will literally be for no more than 5 minutes, and we'll maybe send 1-2 texts a day....again...all of the above isn't going to take 10 mins out of his day. The fact you can't even get your husband to send you a message is utterly ridiculous and makes me so angry on your behalf.

Now the above is very much the bare minimum. When my partner is off work (which is sometimes only 1 day a week right now), he always prioritises time with me, we're not flush right now so that's nothing fancy, it might be coffee and cake at my favourite place, a cinema date night, cooking me dinner (even though he hates cooking!).

A load of people on this thread seem to be stuck on 'he shouldn't be contacting you during work hours', but that isn't the point, the point is you want to feel an emotional connecting with your husband and he isn't giving you ANYTHING. I've been in those lonely relationships and it is soul destroying.

I'd love to finish this with some good news for you. And I do have some! The good news is that not all relationships are like this. The bad news is that personally (and I am a stranger on the internet), I don't think your husband is going to change, and that resentment you feel...trust me, it gets worse, and eats you up from inside.

You sound lovely though, and I hope that you get to experience the magic of someone loving you the way you need.

That’s why the therapist has set him homework - test out his willingness to engage … and it is showing that he has none

Hes showing you how he feels please listen, hes showing you he wont do it because he doesnt want to and hes in control and thats the way its going to be, why are you with him and why would you ever consider children with him

I feel sad for you because you were me once . I never got picked up from the train station or bus stop after work.I never got flowers.I didn't get hugs .I didn't get random texts to say he missed me etc.My ex husband was a provider to a degree, I also worked full-time and we both did a share of housework and gardening etc.It was a safe marriage for me but in the end I just didn't feel loved or desired because we had no sensual or romantic connection at all. I will admit I didn't do all the lovely baking, or leave him love notes. So maybe I was as unromantic too.I honestly think you may need to admit that your relationship is coming to and end, if you cannot resolve these difficulties.

Or he would just think she was mildly insane and run screaming for the hills.

Exactly. If my DH started blowing me kisses and whispering at me at 5am I'd probably throw a pillow at him 😂

You are probably right. If she really wanted him see the point of meeting her emotional needs she should show him a spreadsheet of how much divorce in terms of lawyers fees and loss of domestic services is going to cost him and disupt his career. Not to mention the cost and inconvenience of getting a replacement. I imagine he might connect with that.

I'd divorce. Someone doesn't have to be a bastard for you to leave them. Incompatibility is enough of a reason. He wants a housemaid, cook, sex and someone to split the bills with. You want a relationship.

My DH also got up every day at 5am for years, and often I was still asleep. If he had blown me a kiss and whispered that he loved me I proabably would have assumed he was having an affair, or going senile, as that would have just been out of character for him. It's just not him. He showed his love by trying to creep out as quietly as he could so as not to disturb me. Very very occasionally he'd draw a silly picture to make me laugh when I found it in the morning, but only in response to something specific, and never routinely.

Just goes to show that we are all very different in our relationships.

I agree. The OP is very set on what is the "right" thing to do, and because her husband is not doing the texting, notes, random acts thing, he is "wrong" and needs to be educated or forced into changing.

She doesn't seem to be able to accept that she may be demanding something which is entirely unnatural for him and something he just feels is silly or unimportant.

It is not a healthy situation where one person is dictating how others behave. I do wonder what the conversation was which led them to make the therapy appointment, and who was driving that process.