Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Dole?

Well he might end up getting a lot of space.

Find someone not in a busy demanding job trying to run their own practise….. perhaps someone on the dole who will have a lot of time to be in contact with you during the day and make you feel special……….

You wouldn’t send him a heart for instance on a nice text? That doesn’t cost anything. I’m the least sloppy person around but could muster up a heart emoji if it made the text seem more emotionally connected. (I absolutely wouldn’t write lovey notes though).

Same difference -
in this context he isn’t engaging in taking responsibility for being the problem and making changes

im not saying he should !

His love language is giving space.

No, it proves he isn't up for changing in the way OP expects him to.

He's never been someone to leave her love notes or buy her cookies - if that's what she wants or needs from her partner, she should have picked someone else.

Well he’s turned up,
so if I was that therapist I would go more on what this couple DOES
rather than what they say - especially him as she is driving the process

So he comes home at/past midnight when you are asleep, and you are leaving the house early for your commute before he's awake. There is no point in the working week when the two of you are awake at the same time. You were asked earlier "How much time are you actually spending together at the moment?" and your response was "Only weekends. And he will often have his laptop out even then."

@Borae, what has he said about his working hours? Is this temporary or the new permanent?

Regardless, you are not in a marriage right now. At best, you are dating at the weekends and hot-bedding during the week. At worst, now he has installed you as his Domestic Appliance he no longer feels the needs to wear a mask. Reality will be somewhere in-between, but in-between two bad options is still not good.

You shouldn't be lonely in a marriage, but I would be in yours. It isn't sustainable.

It proves he isn’t up for changing
OP had to then manage the impact of that

BTW, my DH is a workaholic, but has structured his day to make time for me and the DC as we are important to him. He comes home for dinner together, spends some time with me, then goes back to his study to work a few more hours when I go to bed. Would that be an option for you or does he have to be present at his place of work?

Exactly - so a test - will he change ???

No

then OP can do with that, whatever she chooses !

Aw I can understand how undervalued you must feel. I honestly don’t understand the posters who are not seeing that you feel emotionally neglected and downplaying it because he ‘works hard’. That guy bringing his wife a takeaway knows how to husband, yours doesn’t appear to. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, you sound lovely, but unfortunately you just may not be right for each other or he’s needs a wake up call - I suggest going away for a week or two with a friend for a holiday without him, no communication on both sides. See how either of you feel at the end of it.

Maybe he doesn't feel the need to check in with her because he knows she's always at home waiting for him, everyday?

One of the things that kills a relationship is your partner not having a life of their own.

They don't have any small children. This is the honeymoon phase, I guess

I agree with everyone that his not even being able to do this one little thing is not a good sign. Going straight to divorcing him is a bit of a leap, but it would make me start thinking seriously about it.

If I've got the maths right, you're 4 days away from your next session. I'd be very interested on his take on it at that point and that would inform my next steps.

Will he do something in a rush on the last day (not good enough, quite insulting, but would show he at least understood the concept). Will he claim he did some things that you haven't even noticed (unlikely, as you've probably been hyper aware, but as PP have said, maybe he doesn't really notice the things you do because they don't mean anything to him). If neither of those, will be interesting to see his justification for doing nothing...

Because at the start they saw each other in the week. But now the OP has changed jobs, she doesn’t wfh and is now out of the house before he’s up and he’s not back until after she’s asleep. So they only see each other weekends and he doesn’t even text her in the week. It’s not been about emotion at that point, but surely just about checking in with your partner and having a conversation with them.

Do you speak at all in the week @Borae ? You said he doesn’t text you but does he reply if you text him?

I agree and that’s why I suggest op should cut her losses and stop being gaslighted about love languages.

But he is saying it - through his actions.

All OP's posts are about her - her feelings, her expectations - there's nothing about her DH and what he wants or needs.

I have been there and i tried very hard, trying to understand his love language and his childhood, his past trauma while mine was completely sidelined.

My advise is cut your losses, he is not going to change. You are still young. What’s the fun of being married to someone coming home at midnight and here you have more challenges?

I am sorry but all this talk of texts and small things is not going to get a workaholic to change. When he is working he probably cannot think of anyting else. What I would be insisting on though is specific times in the week where we spend time together where we are both present and no one is working or using their laptop or phone at the same time. This is a much more concrete thing than 'can you connect more in the week'

It is reasonable to have at least one day, or part of one day each week where you spend quality time together doing things and actually being present with each other. Without that there is no relationship to speak of, especially if there is no real connection between those times, however small, .

Things will only get worse with children so you need to bank some connecting time to get you through the little baby years, where it really is hard to find time to connect . If he can't do this now, he never will and you have to face that

If he can't or won't do at least this, it tells you how much he values your relationship - ie not at all, and it may be time to move on if you can't accept this.

He is saying it by his non-action.

Then he can say he does not want to do it and stop wasting time of his wife and therapist.

It's not a big ask but it's also totally meaningless if it only happens under pressure.

If he hasn't got time for you now, kids & dogs won't make this better.

You are not his priority.

If you were, he'd make time for you.