Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Reading your post history, it feels like he might have someone on the side. Don't ignore your gut feelings, he has checked out of the marriage here and something is going on.

Please, please stop with the bloody love languages stuff.
Surely before you marry someone you make a decision about how the pair of you interact?
If you want love notes, you find someone who writes love notes. If you want constant affection you find someone who likes affection.
I so don’t want to be an arse, but was he not like this before?

Or it's telling her that he doesn't show his feelings in the same way that she does.

Behaviour is a language... his language is telling you he doesn't care about you.

It sounds like your husband has an avoidant attachment style, and you may have an anxious one
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Ask your counselor to help you both explore your attachment styles. It may help. Good luck!

Totally inappropriate post but who irons the ‘even’ shirt ? 🤔

All of these things you've listed:

• cook his favourite meals
• make turmeric and ginger shots
• iron the odd shirt
• bake him sweet treats/protein balls
• leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
• bring him coffee in the morning
• make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
• i share links to events I know he will like/book them
• I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
• buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
• i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

Are just normal things that most people do in a marriage (apart from the post- it note on the mirror stiff which doesn't happen outside of romcoms and the racy pics which many would just find extremely cringey and inappropriate - nobody wants a hard on whilst at work or to pick up their phone in front of a colleague and for them to get a glimpse of your boobs).

You are doing performative loving. You think he should feel special because you've bought crumpets and posh jam. He just thinks the crumpets were because they didn't have any bagels and the jam was on offer. You cook his favourite meals - he thinks you've made dinner because you were the one at home. You make sweet treats - he thinks you fancied a sugar fix. You make sure he has things to have a nice quick breakfast - he thinks you went to Asda. You buy his favourite beer - he thinks why would you buy any other beer because it wouldn't get used.

You are expecting him to see your overwhelming feelings of love in everything you do. He is busy and getting on with llfe. In all likelihood he believes he is showing love by working hard and contributing money. You're also not giving him credit for the things he does like booking taxis for you, carrying things, giving you the best seats, holding the door etc.

I think your expectations of him to write you love notes are cringey and awkward. However if that's what you need from a relationship then you are mismatched. You need either to accept that he isn't into love notes or move on and find someone who is (although Im not sure many people behave this way in real life)

@Borae I can feel the loneliness within your relationship just through your words, that’s never a nice feeling and it’s good that you’re trying to work on an, at least, middle ground compromise. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t??? I really would strongly advise against bringing children in to this.

Little things that we both do that show we care: buy the other’s small favourite items in the shop, make cups of tea, run a hot Epsom bath for them after a long day, fetch the coal in in the rain so they don’t have to, stay up late/get up early just to spend some time together cuddled up, send the occasional message for no reason but just to say we’re thinking of each other, make dinner including the washing up, keep up to date with local events they might like.

@grumpygrape
agree.
people feel loved in different ways.
my dh and mine is physical touch ( intimacy is very important. )
I also value quality time ( watching tv does not count) so sometimes I can feel a bit resentful if dh thinks that it is.
Now buying presents and romantic stuff is lost on me (dh is very romantic) so in op’s dh’s place all the biscuits and heart shaped treats wouldn’t mean anything
intimacy is the one thing op’s dh has brought up, but op is holding that at ransom - for texts??
And had stopped sending racy pictures
What about coupes in the forces ?
My friends dh worked , for months with out internet connection.
Back in the day there was ‘no texts’.

I would not want to have to text my husband while I'm at work either, and would actually find it slightly annoying if he did it to me most of the time (I don't like being interrupted).

But if our marriage was on the rocks after only 2 years and this was what he asked me to do, I would 100% do it because I cared about him! I would probably try to find ways that would suited me better, eg in the OPs scenario, stopping on my way home to get her something or leaving something out for her before going to bed would be more convenient than interrupting my work day.

That said, you gave a few examples where he did think about you OP. The booking of taxis for example, surely that means he was thinking of you at the time? Are you discounting any things like that?

Exactly - that is why I wouldn’t bother asking him if he wants to be there …..
especially in front of OP, I believe he is there in body not spirit
so asking him outright is unlikely to give an honest answer
I would be watching what he does / doesn’t do
rather than asking -
as there is a dynamic at play here
turning up to therapy but not engaging is a game people play ….

⬆️ this. You sound needy, sorry. If my DH texted me about nothing while I was trying to work it would get on my nerves. And if he said he wanted me to text him I’d tell him to stop trying to control me. If he has to be told to do it then it’s fake. The homework thing sounds awful. I’d find a different therapist, to maybe work on why you need these constant reassurances.

FFS all I said was OP hasn’t tried the one thing he has said he would like. Instead, she is acting like a 1950s perfect wifey and she;

• cook his favourite meals
• make turmeric and ginger shots
• iron the odd shirt
• bake him sweet treats/protein balls
• leave a post it on the bathroom mirror/fridge
• bring him coffee in the morning
• make sure he has stuff to have a nice and quick breakfast
• i share links to events I know he will like/book them
• I used to send racy-ish pics (no face). Not something I have done in a while
• buy his favourite beer/anything I know he will like
• i used to leave voice notes just saying I hope he has a good day etc - don’t do that either anymore. Feels awkward

and you’re accusing him of wanting a housekeeper sex doll ? She’s literally set herself up as one except by sending racy pics but not following through with the sex (does nobody ever make love anymore ?).

I think they both need to sit down and list the things they do they think shows they value/love each other and the things they’d like the other to do to show the same. What do they want in a spouse ?

Then they need to be honest about the things the other does and whether they are actually bothered about them.

He’s being a bit 1950s by carrying things and booking taxis which sound as if she’s capable of doing herself so they just need to explore what they would like from each other to feel valued/needed/cherished/loved.

I don't think turning up is any evidence of wanting to engage with the therapy process.

Right - but in your scenario, you both want to text. Would you still feel loved and appreciated if he only texted you out of guilt, or because he felt forced? Connection has to be genuine. Nagging and guilting someone into doing certain things isn't going to make the situation any better.

Everyone keeps talking about how he "can't be arsed" to do X, Y or Z but maybe he just doesn't care about those things. He sees OP at weekends, they go on dates, they go out to events - maybe for him, that's enough. Everyone is different and has different needs and expectations.

If he's not meeting OP's expectations, it doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means they're not well-matched and that she would be better off finding someone who can meet her needs without being co-erced into it.

Sometimes there’s no choice though. Me and my DH had to work opposite hours for a while due to no before/after school childcare being available for our SEN child. We made an effort to text or each other on our lunch breaks otherwise we wouldn’t have talked to each other all week. No one’s too busy to send a text on their lunch. And the OPs husband doesn’t even have to do that if he’s really too busy at work. Just a text in the morning before he’s left to say good morning, hope she has a good day, would show he at least thinks of her. She’s literally asking for the bare minimum effort and he can’t be arsed to do it. It is his responsibility to put some effort into the marriage.

Exactly - that’s on her
the only person we can truly control is ourselves - as it should be

Yep, but as OP is the one wanting him to change, she's the one who's going to end up hurt and disappointed.

Maybe it's what he wants.

The more OP pushes, the more he pulls - it's very common.

I’m agreeing with you !!
OP sees him as the problem
he doesn’t
stalemate

Personally, I’d just leave. It might be a me problem but I can’t be arsed with messing about in unhappy relationships. It’s not working after such a short time, he’s making no effort.

Just the fact that you have to spell out the bare minimum you need from him would be enough to put me off regardless of whether he does any of it or not! I mean who wants to have to verbally tell someone that sort of thing?

Just stop doing things for him and tell him it’s not working and you want to split. I think he’s probably thinking ‘I don’t even have to anything and she’s still doing nice things for me, why should I need to change’.

He must have been different before you married him?

I wouldn't be married to someone I didn't see all week because that's not what a relationship means to me. Texts and calls when you're rushed off your feet working are not a substitute for actually seeing someone everyday.

But why is he automatically the problem when it's not his behaviour which has changed, it's their working hours?

OP says they've both changed hours/jobs and now don't see each other anywhere near as much. As a result, OP now wants him to increase his "acts of affection" as a way of proving he still cares for her - whereas he doesn't seem to understand why he needs to bother now when it was never needed before.

I honestly don't see why he needs to jump on OP's say-so. If I had a partner demanding I text them at work, leave them love notes and buy them cookies, I would pull even further away then run for the hills.

I am wondering if all these endless hours working are involving someone else, and he quite literally cannot bring himself to show you any niceties now because it's all going elsewhere.

It's possible he's setting you up to be the bad guy by being the one to end it. He can even say he tried therapy, everything, not enough for her.

If so, be prepared for him to move on miraculously quickly.

Oh come off it, if you didn’t see your partner at all Monday-Friday you wouldn’t think to text them at all in the day or call them to catch up at all? Marriages do require work and for people to actually like talking to and spending time with each other. He’s not giving the OP that at all.

Plus the OP says she has a full time job, mentions going to the gym and going out to see friends. She has her own life. She’s not waiting at home for him everyday, she does her own thing and then goes home and goes to bed before he’s even home because he’s not there until after midnight.