Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Be honest though, would you want to write love notes for someone who pretended to be asleep so they didn't have to talk to you?

She’s hurting both of them.

But you're hurting him too.

You are choosing to interpret his actions as a hurtful when really they’re how normal relationships work.

Honestly, I kind of agree with this.

Have you read the replies OP? You are not engaging, at all, with what a lot of people are saying. I am not sure that this thread is helping you. You’re obviously upset but it feels like you are going round in circles and working yourself up.

Many, many people are saying that your husband could well care hugely about you and that the whole performative gestures thing should not be equated with whether or not he loves you.

But you are completely fixated on this and, I suspect, damaging your relationship as a result. If you can’t let it go, and find ways to enjoy the time you have together, you need to stop playing the blame game, recognise that you are too different and find someone who is compatible.

Look @Borae if you're not happy then you have two choices - stay put and stay miserable, or leave and find someone who does make you happy and who can do all the things you want and need.

You're young. Don't settle for someone who isn't working for you.

I agree.

And I am not saying have sex you don't want to have, just recognise you aren't meeting his needs anymore than he is yours OP and that is simply a compatability issue.

You need to consider separation for both your sakes.

deleted as cross posted.

You're punishing him by withholding sex and physical intimacy and in return you are expecting him to write love notes.

It's not going to happen.

Don’t think I’ve ever sent dh a text during the working day, unless he was home with ill dc and it would be to check up on them.

I compartmentalise and don’t even think about dh during my working day and doubt he thinks about me, too busy either working or with colleagues.

The problem seems to be you want something different from what he will naturally give and I am a great believer you can’t change who people naturally are, you don’t force things as that will leave one or both of you resentful, you take, respect and love them as you find them or move on if they don’t naturally give you what you need.

Right, and it's not working for OP so the solution is to leave, not force her partner to change his behaviour to make her happy.

Borae, you sound so desperately sad. How long are you willing to wait for change? And what if that change doesn’t come.

Old fashioned derogatory slang for unemployment benefits. Just more gaslighting bullshit.

Obviously there's a middle ground between being a total workaholic, selfishly focusing on entirely what he wants and expecting her to put up with it, versus being a permanently unemployed waste of space with no desire to ever get a job. She's not asking for the moon on a stick, only asking for her partner to be in the relationship with her.

the refusal to answer how long they were dating beforehand is making me wonder if it is an arranged marriage.

May one politely ask, was this any kind of arranged or semi-arranged marriage OP?

Many people are really trying to help you here, but answering background questions such as how long you knew each other before marriage, how he was before, and how his parents relate can help with more refined responses to the issues at hand.

You don’t sound very compatible. Why did you get married, what did you find attractive about him?

What has changed?

I don't think we can have it all. From what you've shared, your DH:

• Puts your comfort above his (carries suitcases, the shopping bags etc., offer me the best seat.)
• Pays attention to your plans and shows concern for you (used to give you lifts but now that isn't possible, he takes time to book you taxis)
• Is interested to, and listens to, your views on life
• Values your input

But he hasn't bought you flowers, sent you sweet texts, or bought you sweet treats.

You think you are loving your DH, but he may not feel loved by what you're doing either.

DH very quickly worked out that I just don't care about flowers. He could buy me flowers every week and I wouldn't feel any more loved than if he never bought me flowers.

I would love DH to want big meaningful conversations about world events. He just isn't that way inclined. He's not a reader. He is happy to accept the world as it is. He will politely listen, but he's not going to be full of thoughts and information. So I have those conversations with other people who do enjoy that.

DH is good at the practical. He shows his love by doing the grungy jobs at home. Putting the bins out. Loading the dishwasher (he likes it done a certain way and I'm never right). He makes me a cup of tea before he goes to work.

He does, ironically, send me texts every so often to see how I am. I'm often too busy to answer because I'm in meetings about our children (SEN).

We can't have it all and sometimes we throw away what we have in pursuit of 'everything' but everything never happens. What if the next guy sent sweet texts but was workshy, selfish, and thoughtless. Would you feel better? Of course not.

I think all those things you do is lovely but why not just stop doing them for a while and see how that pans out? He may not even notice, which means all your loving gestures are going unseen and unheard. You may even feel fine not doing them but I realised with my ex that he didn’t possess that trait where you build up emotional investments (in the way you behave and treat each other). So basically it was like every day was a clean slate and all the previous emotional investments are cancelled out at midnight and a new empty day begins. That didn't work for me.

This is what the therapist is for. She/he will want to know how things went since last appt. Let him explain to the therapist (and you) why he couldn't manage to do the 'homework'. Therapy isn't a quick fix. He might never get there but use the sessions to dig in to your expectations / what he can give you / communication.

You can run for the hills but you are not in this particular relationship. This is not working for Op and she is here to discuss an issue in her relationship giving her stress. Who cares what you want in a relationship. I really hope you have a relationship that works for you but this is about Op.