Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

This. The number of people defending a low-effort man and berating the OP for not thriving in an emotional desert is astonishing. High chance many of them are men themselves.

OP, several people on this thread are heavily invested in telling you that you're being unreasonable. I suggest you ignore them. You have done your very best to turn this marriage around, and your feelings are entirely valid.

Agree entirely.

The OP has a husband who has withdrawn from her, and she is really hurt and lonely, and trying hard to connect with him. Anybody in her shoes would feel the same. I'm amazed there's been such a lack of understanding on here, when I can guarantee that no one on this thread would like to be in OP's situation. Total lack of empathy and imagination from many posters.

Sure it is! The whole point of this love languages stuff is that it is a language anyone can learn and her dh can learn hers. Its not the crime of the century, except on mumsnet, for a person to express their feelings in the marriage and ask for what they feel they need.

OP, I think you've had a rough ride on here. A partner withdrawing emotionally is so very difficult to deal with and can make you feel desperately lonely. It happened to me, and my partner at the time didn't want to engage with any therapy or even admit there was a problem: in his case he was struggling with depression also, but essentially for us we just weren't the right people for each other, even though we wanted to be. It's horrible because it makes you feel bonkers, but if you're feeling like he's not emotionally present then of course you don't feel like having sex - I would advise against forcing it as I just don't think it helps, at least in my experience it left me feeling even lonelier as there was no way I could relax enough to really enjoy it. Taking time and honestly talking to each other is the only thing that I think helps, and it sounds like your partner needs to decide whether this is something he is willing to prioritise, as the current situation isn't sustainable. I would suggest you think about where your line is here. How long do you want to give this, if the situation doesn't change? Are there small behavioural things he could change that don't involve interrupting his working day - eg no laptop on weekends? If these change might it be enough? Above all look after yourself and don't dismiss your feelings lightly. You shouldn't be feeling this way so consistently two years in; a marriage needs to work for both of you.

Your work schedules are incompatible. You need to find a way to spend some hours together regularly. Things were better in the past because you had that. Not everyone wants to replace that with texts or cakes. I wouldn’t. Either his job needs to allow him to get home earlier some nights or yours to leave later so you have some hours at home together. If necessary, one of you could find a new job to address the problems in your marriage.

Let’s not let the truth get in the way of a good old one-sided husband bashing...

Actually OP has said that she is the one who leaves for work early - she has stopped working from home which cuts down the amount of time they have together. They used to spend the morning together being affectionate before her working pattern changed. It is both her job as well as her DH’s which is separating them.

When he gets home having worked until midnight, she ignores him and pretends to be asleep, even though she isn’t.

Slightly different, eh?

You sound a bit OTT OP.
Come back to planet earth

Your way is the right way, those who have different way of showing affection in relationship are worth laughing at.

Well done for having such superior relationship, while op is Disney wanna be for wanting any contact with her husband who leaves early morning and come home around midnight. I am assuming he is breaking stones by hand for being this exhausted in his own business or in a war zone to not have a minute in his work day to be able to think of a sentence to text. How dare she does not provide him sex on weekends. Poor man, his mouth was taped for not able to say the exercise therapist suggested was way too out of his comfort zone.

No. He's not doing what the op wants because he's not interested in her. 2 years of marriage they should be totally into one another. He's using work as an excuse not to face her. There's another reason and I've put two possibilities

No. He's not doing what the op wants because he's not interested in her. 2 years of marriage they should be totally into one another. He's using work as an excuse not to face her. There's another reason and I've put two possibles. In my experience it could be very true

Because he's done doing the "performance boyfriend", love-bombing phase of the relationship to get her to fall in love with him and now seems not only emotionally unavailable, cold and uncaring, but completely and utterly disinterested even in having sex with her. Most arses who DGAF about you will still happily use you for sex, will pester for it, even.

I am very curious how he shows his affection. Does he give you a kiss before leaving for work? Does he say bye or he knows you know what time you he leaves for work?

Also, what time does he come home from work - around midnight like OP’s H and then takes his bath and go to sleep?

Interesting you say that. One of my ex's I suspect may have been both. But firmly in the closet (and in denial to himself). A massive homophobe who'd sometimes get hit on by gay men when we were out (so he claimed, anyway). The one who withdrew all affection and went cold like this husband has done. He was twice my age and effectively groomed me as a depressed teenager. When I eventually recovered from my depression, which I've no doubt his abuse hampered my progress, developed some confidence and basically grew up, he discarded me completely before I was even 25. He was always having a roving eye at barely adults and hanging out with gay mates, despite his homophobia. So who knows, maybe there's something in it with OPs H too 🤷

OP I've just realised my ex (who I'm friends with, not the one above) spends more time with me and texts me more than your husband does with you 😧

I used to work in the City, frequently doing 9am -1am working days. It was rare for me to be home before 9pm. Would then work the weekend too.

I still found time to text DH. Sometimes we would call each other at lunch to chat. He used to leave a cup of coffee by my bed (he went to work earlier than me). Etc.

Working all hours of the day doesn't mean totally ignoring your spouse.

Get out. He's shown you who he is.

Men don't change.

People don't change.

Deciding who will be the father of your children is the most important decision you will ever make and one you can NEVER get out of.

He’s gay because he’s not doing what the op wants?

This is one of those threads where op says 'i have this problem how can i solve it' and everyone gives loads of suggestions but op says 'yes but....' and rejects every single suggestion. She goes to couples counselling but becasue things aren't fixed after one session says 'it's not working'. Mean time op lodges all the problems in her dh by him not doing exactly what she wants when she wants and refuses to take any responsibility for her own part in the marriage. A couple problem involves both parties and if you want things to change tou have to be prepared to change yourself, because you can't change the other person. The therapist's role is not to make your husband see anything and definitely not to force him to do anything, although she seems to have fallen into the trap of doing so.

He's either gay or doesn't like adults. You're a cover up token wife and you need to get out.

I have just remembered that I have been through something like this. Twice. Both times this happened to me was because my partner had actually come to the end of the road with the relationship. I remember doing exactly what Op is doing (not therapy however) and I also made a list of the actions that made me feel loved, but I can see now that it was to no avail. They just didn't feel that way about me anymore. And both times I'm not sure that they even realised.

Getting them to change was like flogging a dead horse (awful image, but quite apt).

It's not about the notes... it's about the fact he isn't showing love and affection, AT ALL.

Those of us who have been through that know it's bloody purgatory.

It sounds like it’s become such a thing & therapy might be making it worse? It may also be that you have only fully seen how much sex has maybe driven your DH’s gestures & contact with you & that without it, this is what he’s like. Totally understand how you can’t switch that on & off as easily as he can & how you now don’t particularly even want to. You do sound like it’s occupying you an awful lot & the pressure he must be feeling from you must be palpable. His avoidance when he has both you & the therapist asking him to show he’s thinking about you etc is making it even worse. When I read your thread, I did feel that you sound quite needy. But I do understand how lonely you feel or shut out from him. And that is really horrible & isolating. I wouldn’t be wanting confirmation that my DH was thinking about me or constantly validating me however. I might find your gestures & reminders of how much you are thinking about him a little stifling. I would however want to communicate with him. I wld not expect gestures or affirmations of love all the time. If things were incredibly stressful & busy I’d be shelving any expectations during the week & making a plan to spend some time together at the weekend. But with no major pressure. Your DH is clearly extremely stressed & his carefree playful side has disappeared as a result. I do feel like placing more “demands” on him might not be the best way to go. You could try an experiment where you revive sex. Push through the cringe factor & start being more sexual & see if it kind of kickstarts his ability to show he’s cares. It may take time, but you could see it as an experiment & attempt to revive things. It will be interesting to see if he is more inclined to start showing his feelings for you in the way he used to. But he sounds like he’s so consumed & occupied by work that he’s got very little scope left to do anything. Even communicate. How long that’s even sustainable or healthy is another matter. I would try to blame the stress & not him. And maybe look to ways that he can stress manage better & have some spontaneous, non pressured fun together, where the focus is not on you two, but having fun together over something else, that will maybe bring you both back together.

You're asking for the bare minimum. Tell him that he's not doing his part, say that you're unhappy, and ask him to meet you halfway. If he doesn't, he doesn't want to.

Maybe having a break would be a good idea. It could give you some space to think about what you truly want. Is this marriage right for you?

It's a tough one, but at the end of the day, if your love languages are incompatible, neither of you will meet each other's needs.

I have been married 20 years, and my husband is not overly affectionate. But if he didn't see me from Monday to Friday. he absolutely would call or text me as a minimum. Don't waste any more time on this marriage, as your husband doesn't care, doesn't think about you. If he won't even try when you are in counselling, then it bodes very poorly for the future.

The therapist needs to work WITH YOU to help you to see how people show their love in different ways.

he clearly isn’t talking the same love language as you, but clearly DOES care for you.

you’re suggesting a text and not a note, but a text IS a note! That’s not how he works

I suggest you look at modifying your work pattern so that perhaps you can go back to having some time at home so you can see him.

hes clearly building a business and that will pay off eventually so that you’ll both have time together

I don’t think your therapist is much cop.

If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you always get and I think that this applies very much in this situation. Whilst I recognise that you don’t want to play games to try to affect change but begging and pleading for attention isn’t working, in fact could be the very thing that’s off putting for him. My advice is to stop trying to elicit a response - relax about it - appear to be happy and fun, in fact choose to be those things! Pushing for attention isn’t working and in my experience ‘please love me’ doesn’t work. The women I know who have their partners attention are very much ‘I chose to be with you but I’d be fine on my own’. Be a little offhand - talk about ‘hopefully we can work this out but maybe we’re not good together and that’s ok’ It sounds counterintuitive but changed things for me within a few days after years of trying as you have.
Good luck! What do you have to lose?

I think you are focusing on wrong issues in therapy, and my hunch is that he is going because he is expected to, not because he sees a reason to change.

It's not and should not be about how to show you more appreciation and change DH only.

It should be looking at how you are both different from each other in what you need and how you expect relationship to be, and whether you can find a way to live with it in a way that can make both of you feel ok.