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Original poster

To think my friend was racist, rude or both?

363 replies

RicottaOtter · 15/11/2025 10:40

I was talking to a friend this morning. This friend is very concerned about excessive immigration to the UK, and plans to vote reform at the next general election because she believes only reform have the guts to tackle the problem properly. I was listening and not saying anything when this friend suddenly said, ‘Don’t worry - you’ll be okay, because of your husband, and you’re a mother to English children…’

I was gobsmacked at first - then realised she was talking about my ethnicity (one quarter English/one quarter white South African but originally English/half East European Jewish). I’ve lived in England my entire life and as far as I’m concerned I’m as English as this friend who was talking to me - whatever my ancestry might be.

Now, remember, this friend was (I think?) trying to be nice and reassuring (‘Don’t worry, you’ll* be okay’) - but I felt quite horrified and angry to have this said to me - am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
3beastiesandme · 16/11/2025 18:51

Yes, she’s racist and/ or ignorant. I have recently distanced myself from my in laws (both sides). FIL made a comment about “drown the f**n lot” (referring to the small boat crossings) BIL went to the “make Britain great again” march (irony is his wife is Canadian. They got married because her visa expired so she was here illegally for a time) and MIL made a post about being “proud of her son going to the march”. She has 4 mixed race grandchildren…

LevBee13 · 16/11/2025 18:28

So awful.
I've had similar. My partner is Belgian. I was told "yeah, but he'll be alright because noone knows he's foreign until he opens his mouth".
So clearly not a problem with immigration then, just the colour of someone's skin?
Then again, if Reform or the Tories get their way then he could lose his right to remain anyway. A man who has been here for 8 years in a highly skilled and niche engineering role.
Makes me so f angry.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 16/11/2025 17:58

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Emmz1510 · 16/11/2025 17:55

Livelovebehappy · 15/11/2025 14:18

There are some issues which turn me off them, but atm they’re ticking more boxes than either Labour or Tory for me. Even by reforming or partially dismantling the NHS, which is absolutely dire, but that’s for another thread. I strongly oppose fox hunting too, and it would be a deal breaker for me if he started making that legal again. Also don’t agree with some of his more extreme views on immigration, but I will await to see his published manifesto nearer the GE before making any decisions on how I vote.

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Fox hunting is a deal breaker for you but racism isn’t? Interesting.

Emmz1510 · 16/11/2025 17:39

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/11/2025 11:01

How to totally miss the entire point of the thread!!!

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Right! Like it would have been ok to say this to the OP if she wasn’t a British citizen. You wouldn’t say ‘ooh under Reform you might risk being deported because you are Somali with leave to remain’. You just wouldn’t say it, and it’s not even true

CelestialCandyfloss · 16/11/2025 17:36

jaelato1 · 15/11/2025 11:01

@IFoundThem Are you OK? Because you sound just like said friend.

Agree. Think the racist has outed themselves 🙄

Emmz1510 · 16/11/2025 17:32

Yes. Racist, rude and completely thick and idiotic. I feel incensed you had to listen to that. Please drop her quick style

CelestialCandyfloss · 16/11/2025 17:30

Don't forget...perhaps not all Reform supporters are racist...but all racists support Reform.
She sounds like a terrible, awful, ill-educated bigot. I wouldn't be friends with this person.

bumblingbovine49 · 16/11/2025 08:48

Bungle2168 · 15/11/2025 11:03

For a remark to be racist, it needs to contain a judgement value about ethnicity or skin color. Do you think that is the case?

IMHO your friend’s remarks might be more accurately construed as xenophobic. But no one here can really judge based on a snippet of reported speech.

Yes this is exactly what happened. The op is being 'reassured' that she will be treated as equal in value to a British Citizen by reform ( ie not deported) , despite her etnicity ( their reasoning not miine), because she is married to a British Citizen, when she is in fact one in her own right.

Even if her supposed friend does not know she is British, she is making an assumption about it based on heritage and ethnicity. She basically assumed that the op did not have the same value as a Btitish Citizen but was supposedly trying to make her feel better about it Hmm

What the hell is all that if not a deeply held predjudice based on a preconceived notion of race - ie racism?

mivona · 15/11/2025 20:33

Livelovebehappy · 15/11/2025 14:33

I do feel that there should be at least partial introduction of compulsory private health insurance, but retain some sort of NHS platform for those not in a position to contribute privately. You can’t honestly believe the NHS is currently fit for purpose? I’ve had relatives over the last couple of years who have had to use the NHS and the service received verges on incompetence. It really is dire. And I didn’t say I didn’t agree with his immigration policies, but just the more extreme views he has, which tbh I don’t think would see the light of day anyway. The fox hunting issue hasn’t come to the fore, it’s just people who have pointed out his previous history on this, he hasn’t confirmed that fox hunting policies are going to change.

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So you think those who can pay should be required to buy private health insurance, and become profit fodder for the health insurance companies - JUST LIKE IN THE US. And the NHS will be what the poor are consigned to. What a lovely two-tier system you are advocating.

JHound · 15/11/2025 20:02

derxa · 15/11/2025 17:10

But racism exists everywhere and I have not denied it. Do acquaintances really start conversations like this. I tend to avoid discussing politics and religion. Life is easier that way.

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She said it’s a friend. Most people discuss all kinds of topics with actual friends.

cardibach · 15/11/2025 19:52

Hons123 · 15/11/2025 19:36

Educate yourself and don't embarrass yourself.

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Are you going to explain why that isn’t historical fact?

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/11/2025 19:38

Hons123 · 15/11/2025 19:09

Educate yourself so you would not embarrass yourself with 'nation of immigrants' in conversations - try books by Bryan Sykes, Stephen Oppenheimer, David Conway.

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You're the one embarrassing yourself here. Cringing for you.

Hons123 · 15/11/2025 19:36

Ariana12 · 15/11/2025 19:25

Anglo Saxons came from what is now Germany. Vikings mostly from Denmark, Normans and Huguenots from France. And that's just by C15th/C16th. Some of them did quite a lot of conquering.

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Educate yourself and don't embarrass yourself.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/11/2025 19:29

derxa · 15/11/2025 17:10

But racism exists everywhere and I have not denied it. Do acquaintances really start conversations like this. I tend to avoid discussing politics and religion. Life is easier that way.

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Lots of people discuss politics (and indeed religion). And it has become increasingly easy in our society for people to express their racist views freely.

Do you imagine that every conversation is made up if it doesn't resemble any of the conversations that you have had personally with the people you know?

rainingsnoring · 15/11/2025 19:29

Hons123 · 15/11/2025 19:09

Educate yourself so you would not embarrass yourself with 'nation of immigrants' in conversations - try books by Bryan Sykes, Stephen Oppenheimer, David Conway.

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An immigrant is someone who comes to live in a foreign country permanently. GB is a nation of immigrants. People immigrated at different times, of course but it doesn't make it less correct to say this.

Ariana12 · 15/11/2025 19:27

Ariana12 · 15/11/2025 19:25

Anglo Saxons came from what is now Germany. Vikings mostly from Denmark, Normans and Huguenots from France. And that's just by C15th/C16th. Some of them did quite a lot of conquering.

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Oh and we English originally came from south western Europe.

Ariana12 · 15/11/2025 19:25

Hons123 · 15/11/2025 19:09

Educate yourself so you would not embarrass yourself with 'nation of immigrants' in conversations - try books by Bryan Sykes, Stephen Oppenheimer, David Conway.

Show quote history

Anglo Saxons came from what is now Germany. Vikings mostly from Denmark, Normans and Huguenots from France. And that's just by C15th/C16th. Some of them did quite a lot of conquering.

cardibach · 15/11/2025 19:24

Hons123 · 15/11/2025 19:09

Educate yourself so you would not embarrass yourself with 'nation of immigrants' in conversations - try books by Bryan Sykes, Stephen Oppenheimer, David Conway.

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In what way aren’t we?
Embarrassing not to know that.

Hons123 · 15/11/2025 19:09

Ariana12 · 15/11/2025 18:45

I agree. It's really disheartening to read this. We're largely a nation of immigrants.

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Educate yourself so you would not embarrass yourself with 'nation of immigrants' in conversations - try books by Bryan Sykes, Stephen Oppenheimer, David Conway.

Ariana12 · 15/11/2025 18:45

cardibach · 15/11/2025 13:23

Natives? Jesus.
Your language is incredibly racist. Over-run? By who? The OP who is a British citizen? (Nobody else is overrunning us either, for clarity).
It isn’t brave to say racist things, it’s really ugly. And everybody else is definitely not thinking it.

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I agree. It's really disheartening to read this. We're largely a nation of immigrants.

cardibach · 15/11/2025 18:20

derxa · 15/11/2025 17:10

But racism exists everywhere and I have not denied it. Do acquaintances really start conversations like this. I tend to avoid discussing politics and religion. Life is easier that way.

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Really? It sounds as though your friendships are a bit shallow. Me and my friends argue about all that sort of shit. We don’t agree on everything, but we’re big enough to accept that. None of them are Reform racists though…

Anyahyacinth · 15/11/2025 18:10

pusspuss9 · 15/11/2025 15:58

grooming gangs for example, hidden and allowed for years because to question it was deemed to be 'racist' . Look at how women are treated in any country in the world that is governed by a certain religion to see the lot of a woman.
I said we have to be careful about letting them get hold..

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This is rubbish, local police were very much part of being predatory with female children brought to their attention ...the common denominator is men not religion

Bikergran · 15/11/2025 18:07

Well, I've said YANBU, but it does strike me you were shutting up and going along with it until you realised she counts YOU as one of the "aliens". Maybe next time get outraged a little bit earlier in the conversation? Oh, and dump her.

JackGrealishsCalves · 15/11/2025 18:04

Your friend is one of the reasons my mixed race British born ds (me British, husband Indian but been in the UK 25 years) said to me that if Reform gets in he wants to leave the UK as it will be horrific for the likes of him.