To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

its I think that it’s a different kind of nannying than in the uk. Its not a nanny for when the mum isn’t there it’s when the mum or dad are there the nanny is still looking after the child.

I’ve seen it a lot in Asia and it always, to me, seems a really odd and uncomfortable dynamic for all concerned. There was one young couple with a baby, nanny pushing the pram and the couple walking hand in hand whilst she did that. Or the Nanny’s at hotel breakfasts getting the kids food and feeding them with mum and dad sat next to the child just completely ignoring both the child and the nanny. It’s probably because I liked doing the stuff they are doing as I worked full time . Best one was two children and a nanny for each child.

Haven't read the full thread but the general topic suddenly reminded me of this essay: A Story of Slavery in Modern America - The Atlantic

Also OP, if she does come and helps out with your kids, I think you and your other friend should club together and give her a bit of a holiday bonus to say thank you. She would very much appreciate sending that extra money back home.

I think it’s very mean that the nanny will be made to sleep on a blow up bed and not in a proper bedroom.
I also think it’s unfair to dump a load of extra kids on her.
I hope she is OK with it and not been coerced. And that she is being paid accordingly

It would bother me very much if I was you. Firstly because of the way that Filipino maids are treated and exploited generally but also because I can’t imagine why anyone would not want to be with their children and looking after them on holiday.

I think it depends on how often the nanny is expected to look after the kids. If your friend wants her to come with you to look after the kids on all outings that changes the dynamic of a holiday with kids, but if it is to give you a bit of downtime supervising the kids playing for an hour or two while you relax and chat with your friends, or to be at home with the kids once they are in bed so you can go out for a drink (and has free time earlier on in the day) then that could be great

This would bother me. I think the only way I would be okay with it is if I knew the nanny was being well compensated.

I have employed a nanny in the past! And we pay a cleaner, pool man and gardeners now. I clearly stated in my first post that I have no problem with people employing employing nannies or paying for domestic help.

The evidence that this nanny is being exploited is that she isn’t being given a bedroom and will sleep on a blow-up on the office floor; her employer is telling her friends this nanny will also cook and help with all (minimum 6) young children. That is not something a nanny in the U.K. would do.

Our nannies had their own room with sitting area, TV, own bathroom, above minimum wage pay, limited hours and strictly limited jobs: taking care of my daughter and preparing DD’s food when we were at work and clearing up after DD. They didn’t cook for us, we usually cooked for them unless they wanted to so their own thing; do our laundry; or clean beyond clearing up after DD. They had paid holiday and a contract and were making NI contributions.

Years later we had two au-pairs over 5 years. The remuneration was less than for a nanny and there was no NI but the set up was very similar except their hours were much fewer. There is no way I’d have expected or asked them to come on holiday with us to sleep on a blowup mattress and look after my mates kids and mine and also cook! We did go on U.K. short breaks with both of them but they weren’t working during that time. We were just showing them some beautiful parts of their host country and they had their own room at the cheap hotel we will have stayed in.

My daughter later worked as an au-pair in Spain for a Spanish family and the set up was pretty much identical.

Not sure I’d want to spend time with a friend who employs a maid let alone go on holiday with the maid. I wouldn’t want the poor woman serving me and I definitely wouldn’t agree to her sleeping on an air bed.

Why is your friend living in the ME?

It wouldn't bother me in terms of having another, unknown adult there.
It would bother me that the nanny would not be treated considerately. A blow up bed is not acceptable in the workplace and it would not be fair on her to have a huge amount of extra work, unless she has been offered much higher pay.

I mean did your staff sleep on a blow up bed and look after the other children and cook meals did they get breaks ?

Nice personal attack! How dare someone provide another view!

I don’t think ‘not everything that happened as a result of empire was bad, while acknowledging many terrible things happened’ nor ‘not all domestic workers are abused and exploited victims of modern slavery’ are particularly controversial views, but ok.

There is nuance in all these debates.

It wouldn’t bother me having a nanny come, it would actually be quite helpful if you’d all like to go out for an adult dinner, drinks etc. But then I had a live-in nanny or au pair live in our house with us for a decade when our kids were small. Sometimes they came on holiday with us, sometimes they didn’t, it was entirely their choice and usually depended on whether they fancied going to the country we were going to.

That said, she should at least have her own proper bedroom and bathroom and appropriate time off over the holiday.

Nanny needs a proper bed! That your friend thinks a blow up bed is acceptable for a member of staff speaks volumes, and I'd be questioning the holiday and friedship with them all together.

I know exactly how you feel and I would feel the same way. However sometimes our best efforts to bring equality into action can have the most awful consequences for those we are most concerned with. Leave things as they are, don't interfere.

I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with the concept of the nanny coming per se, but I would be deeply uncomfortable that they think it’s ok to treat her like shit. Sleeping on the floor on a blow up mattress indeed. If they can afford a nanny they can afford an extra bedroom for her.

Many people holiday in groups including grandparents in the hope and expectation that the hard working parents are offered some babysitting to have a much deserved day or evening or two off. Likewise many people use holiday clubs etc. How us using a nanny different?

Employment law.

I think I’d let her come. Try and get a proper bed though.

i’d be keeping a close eye on the dynamic- and in particular where the nanny’s passport it.

biggest red flag is if the “employer” keeps the passport, locks it in a safe, or otherwise keeps it from the nanny, even “for safekeeping”.

any hint of modern slavery and I’d be passing her resources.

your friend may not even realise as it’s the norm, and many convince themselves the staff have a good life.

i work with asylum seekers and you’d be surprised the amount of “housekeepers” and “nannys” seize the chance to travel abroad to the EU and abscond. The families are always convinced they’re happy and something must have happened to them- but their passports are locked away where the nanny cannot access it, so they are not travelling freely.

I agree with you OP. This nanny will be doing work for all of you, however much you try and prevent it. You will then feel
bad.

Your friend has got used to being waited on.

This Filipina woman has accepted her lot in life. Ofc she would rather be with her own family.

This is exploitative and I would make the nanny having her own proper room and bed a dealbreaker.

Plenty of people have discussed the aspect of exploitation involved, but even if the nanny were not being exploited, it changes the dynamic, and you lose the intimacy of mums and kids with no one else. I wouldn't want to go.

Also for anyone who doesn’t know divorce is illegal in the phillipines. Some of these women are literally escaping their husbands and need these jobs

Completely agree, it would bother me so much, I doubt I would actually be friends with your friend. It’s so clear from what you say that the nanny will be treated as a second class citizen, and expecting her to cook and take on four extra children is just exploitation.

I wouldn't be happy about that either and I wouldn't want the nanny to look after my children or cook for me.
I would be very uncomfortable with the Expectation that she sleeps in an office on a blow up bed

It would bother me as it seems your friend is exploiting her nanny, assuming she won’t mind babysitting multiple kids, sleeping on a camp bed and seemingly waiting on you all, it sounds like your friend has forgotten (assuming she is Western European) about treating household staff as professionals rather a servant. I know it’s normal out there but it in a long line of things I think is wrong about the Middle East. My friend’s sister (Filipino) was a maid in Qatar, was terrible and a charity got her out

I had a family member who lived in UAE and help is the "norm" i think they are judged if they don't have a "nice fillapino lady".