To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

Aside from the general issues around migrant labour treatment in the Middle East of which I share your concerns. I would imagine the nanny would jump at the chance to experience Spain for a bit rather than Saudi. Also if you’re concerned about her bed situation you can always swap with her.

I think yanbu and I would pull out of the holiday. There's a totally different dynamic in a situation where friends are enjoying a holiday together vs a hierarchical situation where one of the adults is in a servant role, working their job and not on holiday at all. It would nake me feel really uncomfortable and unable to relax and I don't think it would be at all good for the children to be shown so bluntly that the ideals of equality and fairness are actually just lipservice.

I wouldn't be comfortable - she's farming out the nanny to look after more children because she knows the woman won't have a choice but to smile and take on the extra work. Maybe not quite modern slavery but in the neighbourhood.

I would appreciate if you could explain what you mean by this?

This is how I felt reading the OP post, doesn't matter how people justify it, it makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel the same about my family in South Africa, because its not my norm.

I agree with you but think it would be better to focus on the dynamic angle when approaching your friend, ie saying you would prefer it was just you friends and children rather than bringing an employee. If she brings her anyway then, if it was me, I would insist that the nanny didn't do any cooking/babysitting for me or my children.

This 100pc

Never seen it

Yes, I agree. It’s not simply that I don’t want my friend’s servant on a joint holiday (because ‘nanny’ is a misnomer aimed at aggrandising her employer — this woman is a servant), I don’t want another person at all.

I wouldn’t like it and my first choice would be to try to persuade the friend not to bring her. But if she insisted I would treat her with respect, try not to add to her work load, and I would suggest that you and other friend give her a big cash tip (privately and discretely).
The domestic service situation is one of the many many reasons I would not live in KSA myself.

The difference is that if you were bringing your sister to help with the kids, you would expect her to be included in activities, meals, conversations etc. In this case it would change the dynamic.
It’s not the same with an employee, they won’t expect to be included in this type of things - usually they eat with the children for example. And once the children are in bed (or busy doing an activity), they usually want to do their own thing.

I have taken nannies on days out and holidays with friends and what happened is that they were looking mostly after my kids but would also help out generally, very much like you do when in a group. She wasn’t responsible for the other kids though.

I also have been the one with no nanny when my friends had one, and no issues either, just nice to have an extra pair of hands in the group.

I think it’s odd that some people don’t think OP can say no just based on having an extra person? Would the responses be the same if OP had said her friend now wanted to bring her mum along, but had been really looking forward to being away with her friends & kids, & felt that having another adult not friends with the rest of the holiday party would change the dynamic?

Agree and this is how I operated with my Filipino nanny. She could come or have time off AND I paid for her to fly home once a year. She was with us ten years, came back to the uk with me and is now a British citizen. We had a very symbiotic relationship, her and I were both single parents so the salary got her son through college etc. I needed her so I could work.

OP I think your concern is coming from a good place, a welfare one. So I would ask your friend about those things. Be clear you are not happy about the nanny not having a proper room or bathroom to herself.

I don't know whether you should say anything or what but I totally understand your reluctance. They're treating her very poorly.

@MidnightPatrol - and no, I don’t consider any of my jobs to have been exploitative. I have been paid a fair wage, I have had contracts and was protected against unfair dismissal as I enjoy full employment rights. I am eligible for sickness pay and maternity leave, both of which I benefited from and my employers could not give my job away while I was absent. Whilst at work my employers have to maintain a safe environment for me that isn’t prejudicial to my health or wellbeing.

For that matter I don’t think miners are exploited in the U.K. now. It’s relatively dangerous and skilled work and well paid.

You can't dictate I'm afraid but you are definitely not being unreasonable to feel very uncomfortable about it.

Personally I really dislike people who have servants, no matter how well they may claim to treat them or pretend that they are 'one of the family' and would not be friends, let along going on holiday with them.

Just say, no thanx.
You don’t need to back that up with various tongue twisting reasons. At most, say you’ll be more holiday & relaxed if there are only folk you actually know in the ‘group’/whatever term you use for your buddies.
Hope you have a lovely time ☺️.

We have a nanny. We wouldn’t take her on holiday as she needs her own time off. If she did come on holiday to work she would:

• have her own bedroom and private space
• look after only our children
• Not be providing other domestic help
• Be paid an additional amount to compensate for being away from home

If I wanted or needed someone to cook for me, I’d hire a chef.

I don’t think you can object to your friend bringing her, but I would ensure she has a proper room, that she isn’t cooking for anyone except the kids and that if she is occasionally looking after extra children she is being paid extra accordingly. I would expect you to pay her for looking after your kids.

I suppose the crux of the issue is that you don’t feel this arrangement is fair on the nanny and that she had had free choice to agree / disagree. This would also make me uncomfortable

Yer, the blow up bed says it all. If she was bringing the nanny along, the nanny would help out but also get days off, evenings out somewhere nice, it would be different.

I worked as an aupair and used to go on holidays. I wouldn't mind having a few extra kids so the parents get a break or to babysit in the evenings, make dinner a couple of nights. But would also expect a nice bedroom, time off to enjoy the destination both in the day and evenings and to be included in activities & meals out.

Im not sure you can do anything if she wants to bring her. Maybe mention you feel uncomfortable with the blow up bed, ask what days she'll be working vs which she'll have off so you can work out a good itinerary?

I'm such a judgey-pants that I would judge someone just for living in the 'KSA'! 😁

I wouldn't like it. I'm not against having a nanny. One of my dear friends is one. But this feels very exploitative, as I'd expect really from a family in the middle east with a Filipino "nanny".

I think the blow up bed thing is a bit of a red herring.

Is it ‘she’s lesser than us so it doesn’t matter’ or is it ‘we booked a house big enough for X people, but if I bring the nanny there is an office we could set up another bed in’. If the bed is the main sticking point, there may be a room they could swap her into - plenty of adults and children asked to sleep on blow up beds on holidays, so they could do that instead.

I think if I were OP I’d be asking what exactly the nanny is being signed up to, and wanting to give them a bonus as a thank you.