Is this gaslighting?

Well I can't really be bothered with the minutiae of the argument itself, and how she phrased her claim: my point was really it isn't gaslighting - and whether or not he was lying, the term doesn't apply to just lying. That's where I think people make a mistake with the term.

That is not gaslighting, it is lying. My ex gaslit me and an example of this would be that he pawned my jewellery, when I noticed it missing he would help me look, he later got it back from the pawn shop and placed it where I had looked for it, tell me it must have been always there and ask me to apologise for accusing him, I thought I was going mad , this is not the only example, been gaslit is terrible, your husband was just a bit odd about being caught out.

I am a man, and I use umbrellas.... now.

Esp when taking DD to school.

In fact, thinking back to first wife time, she used to get very angry if I came in dripping wet. I had to strip all my wet stuff off outside before being allowed in.

An umbrella then would have been real handy.

But that was back in the macho men days when only golf umbrellas were "approved" for men.

No, got irritated and fibbed perhaps!

Ah yes. The sign of a 'real' man. Too macho for an umbrella and prefers to get soaked instead. Form an orderly queue ladies.

No, if the OP accused him of shredding the umbrella and he said he didn’t then he we telling the truth as the OP later confirms it wasn’t shredded.

No he was just lying to get out of trouble.

That isn't gaslighting.

People overuse the term.

Same reason a grown woman needs an umbrella?! Not sure what sex has to do with not wanting to get soaked in the rain

Wtf??

Never lend him your stuff again.
And what grown man needs a bloody umbrella ffs??

You told him to take your umbrella, but then said you'd prefer him to get wet instead of using it. It's an umbrella, FFS, get over yourself.

You say you witnessed that his actions basically tore it to shreds followed by It's not damaged badly thankfully just a bit plucked when only one can be true. Yet you accuse him of gaslighting…

YABU.

He’s unable to take responsibility for any wrongdoing and gets huffy when you point it out. I’m absolutely sure you’ll find the reason for this in his childhood.

So he collected the kids in a storm and you stayed home warm and dry, then you have a go at him and overreact the second he walks in the door. Is the umbrella useable? If it is you need to apologise. If not just replace it and give him a break.
Not gaslighting, but you’re not behaving well. Stop criticising him.

How often do you use the alley?

What is the normal way to get into your house?

Which way is quicker?

If it’s not the usual way to get in, was there a reason why he didn’t go the usual way?

How much damage has been caused to the new, fancy umbrella (and has it lost its “ooh! New and pretty!!” sheen?)

What happens when something has been planned that isn’t for him eg your birthday? Christmas? Kids days out? Does he usually have something going on that takes the focus away from the thing eg you’ve planned something for your birthday but he’s suddenly not feeling great…no point in going out for a meal if he’s not going to enjoy it…let’s postpone until he’s better…never happens?

I hate umbrellas and don’t use them, but hate brambles more. Not sure why anyone would actively choose to walk down a sodden wet alley full of brambles in the rain.

I'd be pissed off at his disregard for something of mine he'd borrowed that was new (although you offered it).
Gaslighting...no.

No it's not gaslighting, it's just a man not being able to own up to and apologise for a mistake.

Gaslighting is a real and frightening abuse tactic, this was a petty squabble over an umbrella. Come on now.

No it’s not gas lighting, it’s stupid how much people overuse the term for such minor disagreements or behaviours they don’t like. He could argue you were gas lighting by lending him the umbrella and then criticising him for it, and snapping at him all day and then denying it. It’s such a minor disagreement, just move on and stop trying to create a villain

Not really. I mean it's not uncommon for people to minimise something they did that annoyed another person.

Like if I spilled something, I'd just go to get stuff to clean it up. But if someone said 'oh my god that looks awful, you've ruined the carpet'. I might respond by trying to minimise it out of embarrassment. Like 'Oh, don't worry, it's only a little bit, it will be fine, I'm getting a cloth...'

Would the person who's upset about the carpet think I was gaslighting them? I hope not.

I felt a little gaslit by your post. You literally typed in that your umbrella had been ripped to shreds and then further on said it had only been plucked (whatever that is.). So to check my sanity I reread “ripped to shreds “

He should have put it down in the narrow space and not allowed it to be snagged on the brambles. But if you regularly dramatically exaggerate like that when something displeases it must be very tiresome for the people around you.

Prone to hyperbole are you OP? You've said it got torn it shreds when it wasn't. I think you need to look at your own behaviour and what you say before criticising your husband tbh.

not gaslighting as such… who knows how it can ‘develop’???

The ‘D’H here has perfected the art of, doing things he doesn’t like want to, very badly, because then I’m not gonna ask again!… now, of course he complains I’m, “too independent”. 🙄

Are you asking if you was gaslighting him? You said the umbrella was torn to shreds but it wasn't and then completely denied your DHs experience when he told you that you'd been snappy all day, you minimise his feelings talking about how he doesn't like criticism (not many of us do). It would need to be part of a pattern to be gaslighting but your behaviour doesn't sound great either way.

Look at this from his perspective ...you immediately confronted him, annoyed when he walked through the door without even checking the umbrella.

You admit that looking out of the window made it seem like the umbrella would be badly damaged, but on checking, it isn't.

I would be irritated if the minute i walked through the door my husband started having a go about something

The whole thing sounds like mountain out of molehill on both of your parts.

You need to get rid of the brambles