Is this gaslighting?

Not gaslighting but I understand the frustration because my husband also seems to have a lack of respect or care for “stuff” too. If I say, don’t do blah, because it’s damaging the blah, for instance, he will just keep doing it and even do it more because I said he shouldn’t. It’s so incredibly annoying living with that attitude daily. He’s the same with cars also.

If anything, youre closer to gaslighting than he is

Gaslighting is deliberate, pre-planned psychological abuse and yes, deliberately destroying something, replacing it with an identical copy then pretending there was only one item all along is classic gaslighting.

Challenging your spouse claiming you’ve ripped her umbrella to shreds when you’ve done nothing of the sort and claiming she’s been snappy all day (whether or not this is true) is not.

Looks like faults on both sides here. OP seems prone to exaggeration ("torn to shreds" does not equal "not badly damaged") while her husband does not like any form of criticism.

👏👏👏

It’s a different perspective as a pp said. Also you initially said he “tore it to shreds” then said it wasn’t “damaged badly”.

No, it's not gaslighting, the term gaslighting comes from the 1944 film of the same name, where Ingrid Bergman's character is manipulated into doubting her own sanity.

To that end it's a quite specific type of abuse, the victim has to start to doubt their own sanity and beliefs.

Its an over used term, coined by tabloid psychologists, true crime authors and self help authors in the US during the 1970s and has seeped into the vernacular over here.

Its not really a recognised term in professional psychology and it's genuine occurrence is somewhat rare - being lied to and believing the lie, or being lied to and realising that you are being lied to are not examples of gaslighting.

I hate how therapeutic/psychological language gets co-opted by people with grievances, to lend weight and gravitas to their issues. As has been said upthread gas-lighting is a very specific psychological manipulation tool named after and old black and white movie of the same name where a woman lives in a house where her abusive partner turns down the “gaslights” and when she questions if it’s getting darker he replies that nothing has changed thus making her question her own senses and perception.

The whole object of the exercise is to degrade the victims confidence in their own self by questioning their own perception of reality. What you have in your situation is a common garden difference of opinion. To you the damage to the umbrella was significant enough to upset you, and to feel the cavalier trek through the brambles was unwarranted and it was worth him getting wet versus any damage to the brolly. He conversely didn’t want to get wet and putting the umbrella at risk of damage was worth his relative comfort.

Newsflash neither of you are objectively right or objectively wrong. You are both entitled to your authentic experience and emotions surrounding it. I’m also sure you’d both like it if the other saw it “your way”. It’s not automatically gaslighting to try and convince the other of what you believe is right in a sincerely held personal perspective.

For it to be gaslighting he’d have to I dunno buy several identical umbrellas and have you watch him seemingly damage your umbrella, only to switch it out with an undamaged one by stealth upon you confronting him about it to “prove” your perception about events seemingly objectively wrong and make you appear unhinged in the confrontation and repeat it several times.

You also may not have been snippy at him all day either but it still can feel that way to him. However as you point out he doesn’t like his shortcomings pointed out. I mean who does? This is a common avenue we can all take when we are pivoting away from a sense of personal responsibility when we have erred or even when we are losing an argument, by refocusing the issue to tone. It allows our egos to reframe the event in our favour and maintain our sense as the injured party in the exchange. I still don’t qualify that as legitimate gaslighting as we kind of have to fool ourselves with it and true gaslighting requires quite a cold and sociopathic desire to almost expertly play with someone else’s perspective in a calculating manner. Whereas what I just described is just pure emotional reactivity.

The solution here is just a judgement free expression of everyone’s feelings about it. Everyone doesn’t have to necessarily agree just respect where the other person(s) are coming from. Hope that helps…

@Ghaunj were you bothered at all about your child in this narrow alley full of brambles? Umbrella takes priority?

Not gaslighting.

He was probably pissed off that he had to go out in the chucking rain to ‘do a chore’ when you got to stay at home and ‘not do a chore’. I know this isn’t the case as it’s parenting in both situations but I reckon many men I know would see it as ‘a chore/not chore’.

I’d be annoyed about the umbrella. However, it wouldn’t occur to me to offer mine as he’s an adult and can work out himself what he needs to keep dry - if he can find it.

No it’s not gaslighting. I think if he knew you were watching and purposefully caught it on every branch and then acted like this then maybe. Sounds like he was just being careless and embarrassed he got caught out. It’s not nice and if he knows he wasn’t careful then lying to save himself having to apologise but it doesn’t sound as malicious as gaslighting.

A Wally isn't the same as a gaslighter

It's men. They have no common sense whatsoever but if you ever point it out to them they get really offended and defensive. It's just a guy thing though and he was being a thoughtless idiot but no not gaslighting as such. Just normal man child behaviour. 🤣

You first said 'he tore it to shreds' and then 'It's not damaged badly thankfully just a bit plucked.' Which one is it?

Exactly this. A lot of men and some women can't accept blame.

"You have been snappy with me all day and I didn't like the way you spoke to me about the umbrella!"

Well, he didn't like the way you spoke to him about the umbrella, so that's a statement of fact.

Have you been snappy with him all day? I could see this could be a matter of perception, but on the basis you felt you had to tell him to take an umbrella and then stood and watched him go out (why?) I do wonder if you might be overly critical.

Neither of these is gaslighting though. I would suggest you (both) need to work on your communication.

I would be annoyed if my other half snapped at me for an umberella.

He was clearly an idiot with the umbrella and either doesn't see that or is lying (possibly yo himself as well) about it. That's not gas lighting.

It also sounds like you really over-reacted given that first you suggested the umbrella was practically destroyed and then said it was barely marked.

They’re so selfish and hate any (justified) criticism. I’ve noticed if I accidentally bump into my OH I am instantly apologetic (as anyone should be) and when he does the same I’m lucky if he even acknowledges it happened. If I then challenge that he will be defensive and say it was barely anything or say he didn’t see me etc. You’re about to see this a lot more now your eyes have been opened to it. Difficult to say if it’s gaslighting, my instinct is it’s just a selfish man-child but no doubt you have other examples. I mean he actually damaged something of yours, surely that warrants a ‘sorry, I was rushing.’ Or similar.

I don’t really understand umbrellas!
they’re generally more trouble that they’re worth. caught in brambles, turn inside out, driving rain blows in underneath them.
I bet he was also still we through from the waist down.
better off with a decent, bum covering coat and a hood!
not the point of your post, but would have saved you a squabble!
😂

What a massive nothing.

What??? 🤣🤣🤣 Who has a duplicate of things they may destroy? and does that not count as replacing said destroyed item?!?

No

Not even close. He was lying, trying to cover up for the damage he caused to an umbrella by being stupid. Gaslighting is prolonged psychological abuse that goes on for years. It’s so subtle that you don’t even notice there’s anything untoward happening (which is how it manages to continue for so long). One act of stupidity and then lying to cover it (unsuccessfully) is not anywhere close to gaslighting. He was just being a dick. If you can ask “is this gaslighting” it most likely is ln’t because that’s the thing with gaslighting, you don’t notice anything.

It does remind me of the behaviour of abusive exDP. And it's not just me saying he was abusive. My doctor and Women's Aid had to convince me.

What's his behaviour like the rest of the time?