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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

88 replies

Ghaunj · 15/11/2025 08:22

Dh went to collect DS on the school run, I stayed at home with our other child. It was raining heavily so I suggested he take my (new, fancy) umbrella.

He came home and for some reason decided to go round the back of the house where there is a narrow alleyway and tons of brambles. I stood at the window and watched how he walked through there with my new umbrella and basically tore it to shreds getting it caught on every bramble and at one point getting stuck and yanking it, at no point did he try to take it down and walk the last 2m getting a little bit wet.

When he came in I was annoyed, I said "why didn't you put it down!? That's too narrow to walk through with umbrellas!"

To which he shouted back at me that he thought he could hold it above the brambles and it was fine, it didn't get stuck at all only the dangly bit you popper it together with.

I replied that I saw it with my own eyes.

It's not damaged badly thankfully just a bit plucked.

After this he was in a huffy mood and didn't speak much for the next hour.

I finally asked what was wrong.

"You have been snappy with me all day and I didn't like the way you spoke to me about the umbrella!"

I am upset because I haven't snapped at all today. I was annoyed about the umbrella but I mean I think that was justified? He really struggles with any kind of criticism or negative feedback especially when he is feeling embarrassed about his actions.

Is it gaslighting?

Nb- I am not THAT bothered about the umbrella, more just annoyed at the complete lack of common sense?

OP posts:
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MillyHilly99 · 20/11/2025 09:49

My husband does this type of thing constantly. Hes emotionally abusive towards me. Yesterday he threw away the new tupperware box I bought for work and pretended he thought it was "rubbish". Every day when I work 10 hours, he piles things on the chair I sit on so I have to move it all. Every single day. It's small things that make me question myself. If your husband does this all the time then I would say it's gaslighting yes. If it's a one off, then he was just being inconsiderate

SunshineandLavender · 19/11/2025 09:06

I think this may be one example of a behaviour the author of this post felt they could put into words. She says the husband struggles with critism and negative feedback. This points to one example that's part of a bigger issue. They have children, so we have to lead by example on regulating our emotions and being able to take reasonable negative feedback. Some counseling, would help, it will also identify how willing the partners are to improve their relationship.

SweetnsourNZ · 18/11/2025 22:05

BuildbyNumbere · 18/11/2025 17:44

So they make the effort to go out and buy replicas of various items they intend to destroy … how do they know where this was purchased from and how do they afford this?? Seems … odd.

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They may buy 2 of the same as gifts or something. They are odd people, thank goodness not common. But they will go to extremes because quite frankly, they are sick in the head.

redskydelight · 18/11/2025 20:57

Obviously actual gaslighting is rare - which is why it’s annoying when people use ‘he’s gaslighting me’ every time their partner disagrees with them or suggests they are behaving unreasonably. Even if said partner is wrong, that’s not gaslighting.

Yes, gaslighting now seems to be used when actually the behaviour is plain lying, or just a difference in opinion or perception. Or just when someone acts in a way you don't like. It's extremely disrespectful to people that have been absolutely and properly gaslighted. If that had happened to OP, she would not be posting as she has on MN, she would be doubting her reality and her sanity. There is no hint of that in her post.

Hankunamatata · 18/11/2025 20:27

NO

you snapped at him about the umbrella, he reacted defensively. Its not bloody gas lighting

CandidHedgehog · 18/11/2025 20:13

redskydelight · 18/11/2025 17:51

A lot of gaslighters are psychopaths.

They don't actually need to know where it was purchased as just buying a vaguely similar umbrella would do - part of the gaslighting could be convincing OP that the replacement was actually the original umbrella even if not the same brand/colour/style etc. It's convincing because OP would think as you did, it would be too weird for them to do that so it must be her memory that is at fault.

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Or they give an item as a gift (having bought 2), destroy it, pretend their victim has caused the damage then replace the item and pretend the whole thing - the damage and the conversation about the victim being responsible - never happened.

Obviously actual gaslighting is rare - which is why it’s annoying when people use ‘he’s gaslighting me’ every time their partner disagrees with them or suggests they are behaving unreasonably. Even if said partner is wrong, that’s not gaslighting.

redskydelight · 18/11/2025 17:51

BuildbyNumbere · 18/11/2025 17:44

So they make the effort to go out and buy replicas of various items they intend to destroy … how do they know where this was purchased from and how do they afford this?? Seems … odd.

Show quote history

A lot of gaslighters are psychopaths.

They don't actually need to know where it was purchased as just buying a vaguely similar umbrella would do - part of the gaslighting could be convincing OP that the replacement was actually the original umbrella even if not the same brand/colour/style etc. It's convincing because OP would think as you did, it would be too weird for them to do that so it must be her memory that is at fault.

BuildbyNumbere · 18/11/2025 17:44

SweetnsourNZ · 18/11/2025 10:35

A person intending to gaslight someone. Gaslighting is usually preplanned and a series of events designed to make the victim believe they are going crazy.

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So they make the effort to go out and buy replicas of various items they intend to destroy … how do they know where this was purchased from and how do they afford this?? Seems … odd.

Usernamenotav · 18/11/2025 15:14

I can't understand how you've got to thinking this could ne gaslighting. I think you are confused on the meaning.

I think it's reasonable to be a bit annoyed that your umbrella is damaged, a bit unfair to be really mad at him considering he didn't purposely damage it, he made a judgement and it was wrong. Easily done. Annoying that he won't just admit that he made a mistake.
I'd probably just be relieved I didn't have to do the school run tbh.

butterycroissants · 18/11/2025 10:58

Of course that’s not gaslighting - it’s two adults having a petty disagreement over the use of an umbrella 🫣

SweetnsourNZ · 18/11/2025 10:48

Still trying to imagine the scene where he chose to go through a back alley full of bramble with a small child, in the rain. Why? Is it a shortcut?
Don't think he was gaslighting, just frustrated after walking through a wet bramble filled alleyway and then being critized by you, probably in front of his children. You probably both acted wrong.

SweetnsourNZ · 18/11/2025 10:39

Dervel · 16/11/2025 21:59

I hate how therapeutic/psychological language gets co-opted by people with grievances, to lend weight and gravitas to their issues. As has been said upthread gas-lighting is a very specific psychological manipulation tool named after and old black and white movie of the same name where a woman lives in a house where her abusive partner turns down the “gaslights” and when she questions if it’s getting darker he replies that nothing has changed thus making her question her own senses and perception.

The whole object of the exercise is to degrade the victims confidence in their own self by questioning their own perception of reality. What you have in your situation is a common garden difference of opinion. To you the damage to the umbrella was significant enough to upset you, and to feel the cavalier trek through the brambles was unwarranted and it was worth him getting wet versus any damage to the brolly. He conversely didn’t want to get wet and putting the umbrella at risk of damage was worth his relative comfort.

Newsflash neither of you are objectively right or objectively wrong. You are both entitled to your authentic experience and emotions surrounding it. I’m also sure you’d both like it if the other saw it “your way”. It’s not automatically gaslighting to try and convince the other of what you believe is right in a sincerely held personal perspective.

For it to be gaslighting he’d have to I dunno buy several identical umbrellas and have you watch him seemingly damage your umbrella, only to switch it out with an undamaged one by stealth upon you confronting him about it to “prove” your perception about events seemingly objectively wrong and make you appear unhinged in the confrontation and repeat it several times.

You also may not have been snippy at him all day either but it still can feel that way to him. However as you point out he doesn’t like his shortcomings pointed out. I mean who does? This is a common avenue we can all take when we are pivoting away from a sense of personal responsibility when we have erred or even when we are losing an argument, by refocusing the issue to tone. It allows our egos to reframe the event in our favour and maintain our sense as the injured party in the exchange. I still don’t qualify that as legitimate gaslighting as we kind of have to fool ourselves with it and true gaslighting requires quite a cold and sociopathic desire to almost expertly play with someone else’s perspective in a calculating manner. Whereas what I just described is just pure emotional reactivity.

The solution here is just a judgement free expression of everyone’s feelings about it. Everyone doesn’t have to necessarily agree just respect where the other person(s) are coming from. Hope that helps…

Yes, it's getting very overused. Like the word toxic for anyone or situation that makes someone feel the least bit uncomfortable.

SweetnsourNZ · 18/11/2025 10:35

BuildbyNumbere · 16/11/2025 20:39

What??? 🤣🤣🤣 Who has a duplicate of things they may destroy? and does that not count as replacing said destroyed item?!?

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A person intending to gaslight someone. Gaslighting is usually preplanned and a series of events designed to make the victim believe they are going crazy.

MumAgainAt41 · 18/11/2025 07:33

i have been in a marriage where I was subjected to gaslighting. What you’ve described is just sulking, immaturity and a lack of communication.

Theslummymummy · 17/11/2025 16:32

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/11/2025 08:34

It’s just an umbrella. You can pick one up for under a fiver. In the scheme of things it wouldn’t be a big deal if it was ripped, but as it is it’s absolutely fine. I can see why he’s upset if he came in and the first thing you did was just snap at him after watching him angrily through the window. He hasn’t done anything wrong and he’s definitely not gaslighting.

She said it was new and fancy. No way of knowing how much it would cost to replace this specific umbrella

Mumtobabyhavoc · 17/11/2025 09:58

Okay. Wait a sec here. OP has made two conflicting statements:

This;
"he walked through there with my new umbrella and basically tore it to shreds getting it caught on every bramble and at one point getting stuck and yanking it,"

And:
"It's not damaged badly thankfully just a bit plucked."

Which is it? 🕵️🤔

HatStickBoots · 17/11/2025 08:05

Moral of the story is: don’t bother buying pretty, expensive umbrellas because they all end up with broken spokes and tattered material after one puff of wind or incident with a bramble, except for the huge golfing ones.
2) Cut the brambles.
3) Educate yourself on what the term Gaslighting really means (excellent examples in this thread).

Mumtobabyhavoc · 17/11/2025 00:19

I'd send him YouTube videos showing how to open and close umbrellas - just for informational purposes and purely out of interest. I'd then send links to purchase new one.

Eenameenadeeka · 16/11/2025 23:57

No, hes not gaslighting you. You sound like the unreasonable one, for having a go at him the second he walked in the door and it sounds like it wasn't actually broken even though you first said it was.

battenburgbaby · 16/11/2025 23:06

You say he struggled with criticism and negative feedback - how often are you criticising him to notice this pattern.

I can see it would be annoying for your brand new nice umbrella to be damaged but it sounds excessively micromanaging to criticise him for the way he held the thing!

Was he doing you a favour doing the school run (was he WfH?)). Did he think after heading out in the rain he might get a thanks, but instead got berated for holding an umbrella wrong?

ShamrockShenanigans · 16/11/2025 23:02

"I stood at the window and watched how he walked through there with my new umbrella and basically tore it to shreds"

"It's not damaged badly thankfully just a bit plucked."

How can both of those things be true?

BuildbyNumbere · 16/11/2025 22:56

CandidHedgehog · 16/11/2025 22:12

Gaslighting is deliberate, pre-planned psychological abuse and yes, deliberately destroying something, replacing it with an identical copy then pretending there was only one item all along is classic gaslighting.

Challenging your spouse claiming you’ve ripped her umbrella to shreds when you’ve done nothing of the sort and claiming she’s been snappy all day (whether or not this is true) is not.

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If you say so … they must have a lot of time of their hands.

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBatgirl · 16/11/2025 22:47

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/11/2025 22:39

Did your school aged child have to walk down ' a narrow alleyway and tons of brambles.' ?

Why have the brambles been allowed to grow / get out of hand ?

WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE UMBERELLA -WELLA-ELLA eh eh…?

meganorks · 16/11/2025 22:44

No it is not gaslighting.
But you are no better:
He 'tore it to shreds' but also it's 'not damaged badly'. So which is it 🤔

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/11/2025 22:39

Did your school aged child have to walk down ' a narrow alleyway and tons of brambles.' ?

Why have the brambles been allowed to grow / get out of hand ?