Husband advice

I wouldn't even consider a 4th child to be honest. You're clearly not happy in your relationship and I can't see how that's going to change, why add another child into that environment?

Sorry but you would be mad to have double the amount of kids you have now with a bloke who has already checked out.

He doesn’t want the ones he’s already got so why would he come around to having another three?

I have to agree with everyone else. Why on earth would you have more children with a man who isn’t engaging with the ones he’s got already? Or “struggles” to engage with them? Think you’ve got rose tinted glasses on tbh. I’m sorry but I really do. I appreciate he’s working to support you all but equally you’re working too. If you weren’t doing the majority of the house/childcare stuff he wouldn’t be able to work like he’s does. I would absolutely expect him to help out more tbh. As someone else also said. Maybe you’re happy with this arrangement & I think that’s totally fine. The thing that concerns me most throughout all this though is his lack of interaction with his kids. Does he do bedtime with any of the 3? Does he help bath any of his kids? Does he take them out? To give you a break? These are just some of the things that create bonds & strengthen relationships. Personally I’d be very concerned if he wasn’t doing any of this and don’t get me started on the day-to-day practicalities of raising 3 under 5.

Sorry, I think it is perfectly reasonable to not want 6 children when you have 3 and you’re trying for a fourth! You have agreed to this and put yourself in this position by marrying someone who doesn’t pull his weight - why have more? And yes, having all these children is a guaranteed life of drudgery for women most of the time - even with a partner who “helps out”.

Total madness to want even more children and then to keep looking at your DH and think he is all of the problem.

If he is checking out of parenting the kids you have, I doubt he wants more. Maybe you should draw some conclusions from that instead of adding more kids to the mix, and worrying that he won't step up (that he won't step up seems inevitable!).

What does he do that suddenly turns him into a ' great husband and dad when he puts his mind to it'? Does he simply engage with the children? Because that's not a ' great dad' that's just an ordinary parent. Its the bare minimum and c will result in the children playing up our against each other vying for his limited attention. He clearly doesnt want 6 kids. Its questionable if he even really wants 4. He's paying for it all, it sounds like he's strict because its the only way he thinks he can deal with loads of kids ( hes right- 6 children will need to be raised pretty strictly to avoid it being utter chaos) You may as well accept that if you want a large family with this man you will pretty much be doing it on your own while he's basically a sperm donor and cashpoint. And what do you mean by ' he's not very healthy'? Its it something that could lead to him not being able to work in the future? This doesn't seem a great situation to be bringing 6 kids into tbh.

I don’t think you should be adding more children to this situation.

He won't change and magically become wonder dad and wonder husband. The workload will only increase with more children. Understand your situation before making decisions to only increase the workload which will be yours alone to handle.

Why on earth do you want more kids when he isn’t stepping up with the ones you’ve got? Genuine question. Why on earth would he change if there are more children? He won’t. So if you want more just be prepared to do everything you do now but more of it. That’s just the reality. Because he doesn’t want more. I think he’s probably beaten down by the responsibility. Sole provider for 4 kids and a wife is challenging, never mind more! How are you (ie how is he) going to fund college or uni for all these children?

Are you doing all the work? It sounds like he's paying all the bills. Does that not count?

I'm starting to feel like it's always going to be me doing everything [...]
How do I help him step up without it seeming as though I'm criticizing or nagging?
That is extremely difficult. Something millions of women struggle with.
Basically, you can't change him - he has to want to change.

Sit down when you are both calm and discuss if you feel that you both have equal leisure time or 'time off'. Don't count jobs and tasks, count hours each get to sit on the sofa doing nothing, or going out alone to hobbies/socialising.

I also don't know why he gets to feel like more than 4 is too many when I'm doing all the work,
Because he is the sole earner. He is tired from the responsibility.
Babies are quite cheap, teenagers are not. How will you fund their activities and hobbies? What if they all want to go to university? Will you be able to help them get their first house? Help pay for weddings?

You need to look beyond the baby and young child stage, and take a good hard look at what the next twenty to thirty years will be like.

If he hasn’t stepped up in all this time, chances are this is as good as it gets. The last thing I’d want to do is have even more kids with him. He’s already said he doesn’t want more than four. If you go against that, it may be the beginning of the end and then one day, you may find yourself a single mum of six which I can assure you is no walk in the park. You’ve already got four, concentrate of giving them the best life..

Can I ask add, with all of them so close in age, think ahead…you will more than likely have more than one at uni at the same time. Even with loans for fees and student loans rent and expenses, I know many parents that are topping up EACH child to the tune of several thousand pounds a year just to keep them above water at uni. Do you think this is something you could realistically do? By having more and not planning ahead, you’re effectively depriving the kids you already have of the financial help when they need it at uni. Few parent look ahead and regret it later…rent alone can be £10k for the year PER uni student and if they only qualify for minimum loan, they’ll get about £4.5k and parents are expected to top up the rest PER year PER child. Think about it..

There's too many people in the world already. Stop.

He's obviously not going to suddenly change. Just stop.

Why on earth do you want more kids?

I'm confused as to why you would choose to have more kids with him knowing he barely parents the three you already have. His job isn't a free ticket out of taking responsibility of being an actual active parent. It's all fine and well to say he works but that doesn't mean that he gets to hand all of the general parenting duties to you.

You say he doesn't get to feel that more than 4 kids is top many but realistically if you're not planning to work and financially contribute I kind of get his point on that note. If he's going to be the only one working he's probably worried about affording so many kids on only his income as universal credits won't top up your finances for any more than two

You are not doing everything. He is working and providing for you all. Can you really not understand the pressure on people to have another child to fund?
I think SAHMs are really unfairly undervalued and It's great this works for your family but you are being really selfish/ignorant to not recognise that your DH has to consider how he will pay for another child for a minimum of 18 years and continue to fund you being a SAHP.

It just sounds all too much. Stop having kids.

If he's not engaged in family life now with 3 kids then I highly doubt he'll change by adding more kids into the mix and you can't make him have more if that isn't what he wants. Just enjoy the children you have and focus on them, don't bring yet more children into this dysfunction.

And if you become unwell, the house will be like a zoo.

having double the amount of children you have now with a man who is clearly struggling to cope with the current three is not a recipe for a happy family. Even though you will be doing all of the heavy lifting with regards the kids, just living in a house with that many people will be loud and chaotic, which is fine if that’s what you want, I’d imagine it would be overwhelming and daunting if you feel railroaded into it. This man is not a man who wants 6 kids nor will he step up and parent them or help you. You will inevitably end up resenting him more and more as your workload increases

So he is a crap Dad who won’t let you talk to him about it!! and you want more kids with him?!

He is clearly telling you he doesn’t want more (he probably doesn’t really want number 4!) so you have a choice about what you do next.

Ffs, what are you even doing with him in the first place? Was there nothing, ever, to show that he wasn't the type who would step up be a decent father/partner?
Now, three kids in, and you've got a piece of furniture for a husband. It's not your fault, obviously, he's the ignorant and lazy fcker, but you DO have some agency in this!

Bloody hell 6 kids 😳

I can’t understand your desire to have 6 kids (!) but anyway that’s your choice. But the naivety to think this man is going to change, especially when he is telling you he doesn’t want more kids, is astounding. Does he really want a 4th??

Aside from the current sharing of responsibilities, If one party in a relationship doesn’t want more children, then there shouldn’t be more children.