Worried about my boyfriend’s lifestyle now we have a baby

You hav put your child in this situation so if you are offered help take it, think about you child not your self get rid of him and speak to your mum and learn from this so hopefully the cycle stops, he will probably always be in your life as sadly he is the child father

Set better standards next time and do what you need to do for your child

Patch things up with your mother, if you can. That will mean throwing your hands up and admitting that you have made sub-optimal life choices.

But, if it rids you of this drug-addled loser, eating crow in a a very small price to pay.

Listen to older, wiser, heads, and focus on improving you and your child’s lot.

I would have been a facking awful parent at seventeen, nevertheless I wish you the best of luck.

The situation with your mother might improve if you admit she was right. A 19yo drug user preying on a 16yo is hugely problematic. A 20yo with a child who is still using drugs and hasn’t completely shifted his lifestyle is not a good father.

you need to move you and your child away from him. Your mother might be an option if she knows you are trying to keep your contact with him minimal and only for purposes of a good coparenting relationship.

you need help with housing and getting on a career path. If your mother isn’t that refuge, then contact social services and ask them to help you access services while you are still a minor.

My heart breaks for you, but this man is not a good dad or partner.

The best thing you can be is away from all this behaviour with your baby as it will only get worse.
Try not to be 10/20years in , with another kid or two by him, experiencing the same thing. These things rarely get better!

You sound like a great mum and at your age you would not be short of extra help and support. Please do what is best and leave.

Nobody has suggested that the OP might try to talk to her boyfriend and explain how she feels. Boys tend to mature much later than girls and he may feel quite stressed in having the responsibility of a new baby. His behaviour is undesirable but does it necessarily make him a bad person/boyfriend/father? The OP does not give the impression that he is a horrible person, just a rather weak one.

There are plenty of examples on Mumsnet of much older men behaving incredibly badly towards their partners and children and causing a great deal of anxiety and distress. This young man is only 20 so I feel the OP should speak to him about her concerns and give him a chance to change - unless, of course, he is aggressive or his behaviour poses risks (though the OP says he is not aggressive). If he is unwilling to change, then the OP should seek help from some of the organisations suggested.

superdead I am sorry you have not had support from your Mum and have had to manage without it. It seems your boyfriend's Mum is very busy but I hope she is of some support to you.

I think you are behaving in a very mature and caring way and I hope that you can speak honestly to your boyfriend about your concerns re the drug taking. If he does not change his behaviour then probably you will need to seek professional support from some of the agencies suggested on here. Good luck.

I'd try your mother one more time. Tell her she was right, your boyfriend is a loser and a drug user but you need somewhere to get away from him now.

He is not a good dad to your child and he isn't a good partner.

Set your sights higher. People are suggesting mum and baby place so you have somewhere safe and free or drugs to raise your child. Somewhere that can be supportive so you can discover your potential whether thats starting a career or returning to education

You have a small person to look out for so start building the future you want for yourself.

Head to local Council authority, GP, health visitor, citizens advice, Home-start and red cross and ask for help.
Do it now and do it fast.
Once you have where to go, run.
Dont look back on any promises.
You will go through hell financially but you will get there.
And also contact your mom, shes your mom, she wont let you down or turn her back.

Exactly what @Whatwerewetalkingabout said , people just want to help. I do not know where in the country you are and what support is available. In my city, and the area of the city I work in, we have amazing early help support. No judgement, just advice and support and sign-posting and a hand hold to other services if you agree.

I think you are very conscious of your age, and some advice offered here does seem pretty patronising, but I have worked with plenty of parents in their 20s, 30s and 40s in the same situation with the same response. When you have invested in a relationship and have a child together, decisions are very hard what ever your age.

If I was your social worker, on the information you have given, the support I would offer would be,

• talking to you and undertaking some healthy relationship work so you are able to make safe and informed decisions.

• offer of a family group conference if appropriate so extended family/friend support in place

None of this is rocket science, it is all about support for you as a parent wanting the best for your son. Do not be afraid to seek support. The fact that you are questioning your partner's behavior and looking for support at such an early stage just shows what a protective and great parent you are.

When people are suggesting getting a placement or contacting social services they are not doing so because they think you can't cope on your own, they are just trying to think of safe routes to get you out of the situation where you might be supported. I was 37 when I had my DC and if I was in your situation I would have also struggled if I needed to leave my partner and go it alone. Everyone needs support, and a mother of a baby with a drug using partner and no other family support is vulnerable at any age.

However because of your young age you may be entitled to alot more help, so getting in touch with someone before you are 18 might put you at the top of the pile, especially for housing if you are trying to get your child away from an environment that may expose them to drugs and drug users and your relationship has broken down with your Mum. Noone will take your baby away from you if you are proactively looking for help to raise them safely. Xx

Take care OP, looking for help is an incredible act of maturity, I'm sure you are and will continue to be a wonderful mother, putting your baby's interests front and centre like you are.

Sorry for being blunt @Superdead , but we want you and the little one to be safe and to get the opportunities that you can. You sound mature and sensible, and you deserve a better chance at life.

@PyongyangKipperbang I have no idea where in the country you are but parent and child placements are very hard to come by, are incredibly expensive so difficult to get authorised even if you can find one and more importantly then approved by senior management. The case would be known to CSWS and in proceedings/PLO after all else has failed. These are experienced foster carers who also take on an assessing role. There is support out there for OP in her situation in my city but a parent and child placement would be totally disproportionate and actually not an option in these circumstances

Please get away from this man ❤️ Definitely reach out for support, you should be entitled to help (possibly even housing) as you are under 18. I wouldn’t even tell him you’re leaving, seek support on the quiet and then leave with baby when he’s out. You sound really self aware and mature so please don’t let this low life man ruin things for you. Take care x

My boyfriend might be making stupid choices lately but he is a good dad.
He uses drugs.
He’s never once been rough or anything does not mean he is a good dad.
and he helps with feeds and baths He helps bathing and feeding his own child does not make him a good dad.
when he’s not out. In other words, you and his mum are bringing up his child, and he occasionally makes a minimal attempt to look not completely worse than useless.

I think I can sort of see what your mum is trying to do, although she has gone the wrong way about it. So shame on her.

She saw you making bad decisions by being with this loser and tried to get you away from him. When you insisted on keeping the baby she went down the "Right then, you made your bed, lie in it" road, in the hopes that you would wake up and get away from him. Which you are doing but, crucially, in doing what she has done you feel that you cant go back to her because you are worried about the "told you so".

You can get outside help.

Firstly, go to the website I mentioned above, they may be able to help, then to your local social housing office and apply there. Ask for an appointment with a housing officer and see what they advise. Shelter (a housing charity, easily googleable) may be able to help too.

Does baby;s father work?

ETA Mum and baby placements are for a variety of reasons, mental health, age, and (for you) escaping abusive situations. They are to HELP not to judge. It will give you breathing space and access to professionals who can help you move on to a better place both physically and mentally as I am sure that this has all been so draining for you.

Sweetheart he is not a good Dad. Not now and very likely not in the future. A good Dad/Man is not going out getting high and coming home high to his partner and tiny baby. He is a loser and his Mum sounds like an apologist for him (probably because she raised a loser). Get yourself and your little one out of there. A Mum & baby placement isn’t suggesting that you’re a danger, it’s somewhere that can support you, and without your Mum or your partner you need that support.

No one has suggested you are a danger to your baby, they’re suggesting the mom and baby place as that’ll help you and your baby get your own place.

I understand he is a good father but no good father would take drugs around their baby. You are doing an amazing job but you must get you and your baby a safe home and build from there. You are doing an amazing job and noticing this issue with your baby’s father is the first step but you must make changes right away.

Good luck OP.

OP as a social worker I second what @firsttimepregnanthelp says. Those suggesting Parent and Child placements , as you have quite rightly pointed out, have no idea of why they are used and it is incredibly patronising.

Whilst you say your boyfriend is a great dad, the fact you posted on here means you are obviously worried about his drug use and the impact it will have on you and your son.

As I say to many parents when their relationship is impacting on their child/ren, my job is not to tell people they should not be together. However, if either parent is placing the relationship above the safety of their child without working to address issues that impact on children, then serices will at some point be involved.

You sound like a protective parent, you are alert to the changes in your boyfriends behavior. I totally understand that he is not posing a risk to your son at this time, so it maybe that social care do not even get involved. However, a call to the duty and advice team means you can be signposted for appropriate support. Or contact your health visiting team, you are not on their radar because as far as they know, there is no reason for you to be on anything else than normal 'child health pathway and surveillance'. I know health visitors get a bad reputation on here, but those I work with offer amazing support when necessary.

Without knowing your circumstances outside your posts OP, I do worry that you are vulnerable in that you are living with your boyfriend and his parents. I get that he is a 'great dad' in his interactions with your son, but a great dad would be thinking about his lifestyle and priortising parenthood to the same extent you are. Your son has two parents. Hopefully if you get support he will also engage and make the changes your son needs. If not, then you need support to make decisions going forward.

But your mum was right, would you want your precious baby in a relationship with a drug user who gets into fights? I certainly wouldn’t want that for my child. I would absolutely contact her and say mum you were right, please can you support me either by you going home or with getting help for you.
If he is leaving stuff laying around as you described then that is dangerous, if he is out it of it around your baby then that is also dangerous.
You have chosen to be a mum and part of that means that you may have to do things that may feel difficult or uncomfortable. You have to act in your child’s best interests.

I think what people will feel hearing your situation is that you are happy in your life with this man and want this little family unit but you want to stop your partner taking drugs

it is very unlikely that you can make him change - he’s a dad now and that hasn’t stopped him, in fact you describe it as becoming worse

you can’t raise a child with a drug user, especially one who claims irritation at you for pointing it out & gaslights you into his narrative about feeling superior because you are a mum now

you want a safe calm reliable home for your son and you won’t get that with this young man

i would contact social services and I think the council to re house you
if you had to go via a mother and baby place it would only be a stepping stone to a permanent home

You cannot change this man but you can have a wonderful life with your son
in a safe place where there are no drugs

you sound wonderful and I’m sure will do the absolute best for your boy x

“He is a good dad”
He really really isn’t. It’s not good enough to get wasted and think changing a few nappies makes up for it.
it’s you and your baby against the world I am afraid - but you’ve got each other and you will cope. But raise the bar on good dads because this guy will take years of your life away. He isn’t good enough.

Had my youngest (now 35!) at 17 so no judgement from me, but I agree that getting away from this arsehole is the best. And SHAME on your mother.

This may be a good place to start https://ymsn.co.uk/

I wish you all the best xx

He isn’t a good dad, he really isn’t.
Realistically the options are getting in contact with your mum, getting in contact with the health visitor(you can use Google for their number) or social services,
I am sure you look after your son beautifully but right now having in a home with a drug user is not acting in his best interests and has the potential to be disastrous. Only you have the power to change that,

I genuinely feel like the only way out of this for you is to reconnect with your mum.
How was your relationship before you got pregnant?