Worried about my boyfriend’s lifestyle now we have a baby

I don’t want my son around someone who talks like that

so you're going to stay with someone who does drugs instead. Ok. Good luck.

To clarify again, the Childline policies mean that they would not break confidentiality in this situation. Just wanted to make that super clear, because one of the other posters made it sound like that might not be the case. You can Google the reasons why Childline might break confidentiality - this wouldn't meet the criteria.

It sounds like you’re a sensible and responsible parent, and you know you need to remove yourself from that relationship and the house. Your boyfriend is on a one way track to absolutely nowhere. Your only focus now needs to be building a good life for your son and yourself. You can achieve so much, but only without a man holding you back.

the main question is where you can move to. Can you get on the council housing list, letting them know you’re newly single?

Document everything, including taking pictures of ‘stuff’, just for your records. It might be useful later.

I think I would be moving heaven and hell to get away from this man. He is involved in drugs and is violent. Maybe not towards you now but very possibly in the future so exposing your child to that is not what you want. If you have no family support and are not financially independent then I cannot see you have an alternative other than SS as you are not yet of age. You need a roof over yours and your baby’s head so where else can you go? This man is not going to change his lifestyle and in the meantime you and your baby are also exposed to this.

I don’t agree with your mum turning her back on you but I can see why she thought your bf was no good as he really isn’t. If he was a good dad he wouldn’t be involved in drugs and violence. He will end up in prison.

Have you said this to him?

Sorry to be cynical (but i am trying to be helpful) - do you have a better chance of getting higher on the housing list if you are under 18 and have a baby? Or if you are not eligible for council housing because you are under 18 (I don't know the rules, sorry) i assume there are other housing options for young mums and when you are 18 or 21 or whatever the rule is you will automatically get put higher on the list? Basically i'm just saying find out if it is better for your medium term housing to get out now. (I agree you should get out!)

Hi Op, hope you are okay, I realise this is a lot for you but well done on reaching out here. Can I ask if your boyfriend is wanting to/open to quitting drugs?

I have some experience with this situation

OP, your pursuing living separately and independently now - taking advantage of the extra supports you'll get as a 17 year old - does not mean necessarily mean the end of the relationship or of your family unit. Maybe it would just be the best thing for NOW. Maybe this very young man will grow and mature and be what you and your son need and that would be great but that isn't the case right now and you have options which will give you the space and stability to continue to be learn to be a mum. Which by the way, we all need, regardless of age. You sound great and that you have your child's best interests at heart. Your taking every support available is not a repudiation of the man that you love, or a judgement on your ability to cope, just an acknowledgement that you all are in a really challenging situation. Good luck OP, I admire your spunk.

Addicts have to want to give up, otherwise it’ll never happen.

You sound like a fantastic mum but I want to give you a piece of advice that I wish I'd known when younger.

If he wanted to, he would.

There has never been any truer words about a man than that. If he wanted to grow up and step to be a man and a proper father, he'd stop the drugs and be a proper dad. He hasn't. There is nothing on earth that will stop a man doing what he wants to do and he clearly doesn't. No matter the age.

Also, we've all been here before. You cannot change him. Even a baby hasn't changed him.

All you can do is change yourself and make life better for your little boy. Life will be tough but you can do it. The family unit will never happen in this scenario. Your little boy deserves better than this. Make plans to get on a council list or housing association. Get some qualifications and see if there is a free crèche somewhere while you study. It might be possible if you are currently on benefits. Do this for your son.

His dad can still visit and be a dad. But he deserves to live somewhere drug free. He will watch and grow as he learns. What kind of environment do you wish for him to learn from?

Remember you posted for a reason. Use that reason to motivate yourself and make life better for you and your boy. You've got this.

He's a scum bag OP and shouldn't be around your baby and he won't suddenly change they never do.
I also had a baby very young and learned this the hard way.
Once I was on my own I did a degree got a well paid job and bought us a house.
Your baby relies on you 100% and needs you. You don't need to be around a drug taking party boy. Just because he doesn't hit you does not make him a great partner and father.

You could go to citizens advice or contact Shelter as they might know who is the right agency to help you. You could also try the YMCA as they provide housing for young people. You could ask to talk to the health visitor ta the GP's office, some GP's have a welfare rights advisor some days to help people access benefits.

Sort your housing while you are still a minor, OP, irregardless of everything else.
Stable housing can make a massive difference for you and your child’s future. You can’t stay at his mum forever anyway even in better circumstances, this makes you very vulnerable now.
You will fall at the bottom of the list if you wait until you are 18.

Leave now while you can ❤️ don't stay with a moron because you think his your only choice!

My boyfriend might be making stupid choices lately but he is a good dad

With all kindness as you are very young and have not been supported properly by your family… he is not a good dad. A good dad doesn’t smoke weed, go out with dodgy people and dismiss his partners concerns.

You have had some good advice on here. Please listen to it. You can put yourself and your child back onto the right path if you work with social services but don’t leave it too late.

@willstarttomorrow , I think you are very conscious of your age, and some advice offered here does seem pretty patronising,

That's not my take. OP can get more help now than after her birthday, because she is still legally a minor.

You are right that social services would get involved OP, but that isn't a bad thing. They would be able to sign post you towards the right support and help you apply for housing.
It is hard doing it alone, but that is much preferable to doing it with a man that poses a risk to your child because of his behaviour - the social services involvement will be quite different down the line if you stay.

Not being rough and helping out a bit doesn't make a good dad I'm afraid OP. You know you have to get out of there, which is hard I know as you live with his mum. I agree with another poster who said do it now before you turn 18, as if you're homeless before 18, the council are obliged to help you I think, Good luck!

The baby’s father is doing what a lot of people his age do, difference being they’re not parents. This should have stopped when he became a parent and he needs to grow up. He might not like it but this is the consequences of his decisions. Sadly you can’t make him do that and he is showing no signs of making that decision himself because he is not a good dad. Your child isn’t a doll that he can play daddy for a bit and then sod off and leave because he’s had a better offer.

You and your baby deserve better.

I presume you would now do anything on the world to protect your baby? That you love it more than anything? I’d put money on that being how your mum feels about you. That she could see what a difficult time you’d be facing with this immature bellend as a baby dad and she tried everything she could to help you avoid that.

You may not see this now but you need to accept whatever help is available to you from trustworthy people, that will give you a foundation to build the life you hoped you’d have when you fell pregnant.

He's not a great dad and, ultimately, you're pretty much still a child yourself. That doesn't mean you can't be a brilliant and responsible mum, you sound like you are - you want to protect your baby, and if protecting your baby means ending the relationship, that's what you need to do.

.................unless, of course, he is aggressive or his behaviour poses risks (though the OP says he is not aggressive)

That's not quite what @Superdead actually said.

"He used to get into fights with other lads before the baby came along"

So he has definite tendencies towards aggression.

The boyfriend clearly has poor impulse control.

He is still using drugs (it used to be weed and now he's added in harder drugs) and he's staying out till all hours.

When he's at home he spends hours on his phone (ignoring the OP and his baby) and he leaves drug paraphernalia lying about.

When the baby is a little older, the baby will pick these things up and put them into his mouth, because that's what babies do.

Hi OP, I used to be a volunteer telephone counsellor at Childline, I strongly recommend calling them and asking for advice. Make sure you mention you're 17 - if they think you're an adult they wouldn't be able to offer yoy the service. They offer total confidentiality, more than if you speak to any other healthcare worker/social worker/police etc, and they are trained to take the time to talk you through what your options are and what YOU want- they've heard it all and don't judge, they don't force things on you that you don't want to do, and they can signpost you to different services and help you work out what you want to do. They can only ever break confidentiality if there is an immediate risk of someone dying (if so they would tell you beforehand), otherwise they actually aren't allowed to break confidentiality even for ongoing abuse etc (you can also ask them to explain to you what the confidentiality rules are at the start of your phone call before you give any information, if you want). They take confidentiality really seriously because they know that true change can only come from the person, so their main goal is to support you to work out what you need and want to do. Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely mum!

I don’t have any better advice than other people have said, but I just want to say that if I were in your situation, I wouldn’t want to try to live with my mother again either. Your son should not be around someone who talks about how his existence has “ruined your life,” and even if she never says that around him, it’ll come out in her behavior in a thousand tiny ways that she doesn’t love him.

Go to the council and go on the waiting list for a flat; say you want to leave your partner.

He isn’t going to be a good committed Dad if he’s smoking weed continually - well done for putting your baby first. You sound like a great Mum; congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Reach out to social services and Home Start for help. Contact your health visitor too. You will get support and they will not take your baby away - they can advise you and try and assist you with new accommodation.

Do you have any other trusted family?

If you do split with your partner don’t let him have unsupervised access to your child. He’s a risk with strange men around and the drugs. Good luck - you can do this.

Yes, social services will be involved and rightly so. You may not be a danger to your baby but you are underage, with zero earning potential, no support and nowhere safe to live with your child. You need intervention if you are to keep your child with you. You need somewhere safe to live, away from drug taking and smoke, and along term plan to make sure you can provide for your child.