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Original poster

Should we investigate adhd assessment or anti depressants for my ds19

162 replies

Anonymous07200408 · 14/11/2025 21:07

Some advice please from those with kids who have a spiky ND profile. What I really don’t need is the usual suspects who don’t really believe in ND weighing in with scathing remarks - there are a lot on here and I don’t need that kind of wisdom please - this is very difficult for us as a family and sensitive. I am very experienced with ND and work in the field - I know my son is ND but just need some help teasing our depression vs autistic burnout vs ADHD procrastination etc. I am posting to AIBU for traffic even if the ASN boards would probably be a more natural home for this.

my 19yr old ds got a dyspraxia diagnosis in year 3 and ever since then has had various educational and social challenges. Looking back at his report from then there seem to be loads of indications of inattentive type adhd. He had a small, tight group of friends but is very socially anxious and incredibly passive. Identified as very bright from early on - effortlessly managed straight As until his final year where he pretty much took to the sofa/buried his head in the sand and crashed out in exams. Luckily he had an unconditional offer to uni and is now nearly at the end of his first semester.

He has needed an unbelievable amount of scaffolding in every way - socially and academically and in terms of life skills. Luckily he is local so I have been in and out helping him most weeks. He literally seems unable to answer text messages/ engage fully with uni support services etc - to the point he is now very far behind academically and talking about repeating the year. He has actually done really well socially and made a small group of friends who are luckily very proactive but he has already pissed them off by not responding to WhatsApp messages. The amount he has struggled has surprised us. He presents as having a low mood and flat affect and without us chivvying him to get to lectures and friends chivvying him to go out I think he would spend most of his time doom scrolling. He reports as being “ok” and I think he’s enjoying some of the social stuff but his self esteem is on the floor and always has been.

We have now started thinking that we need to do more to help - the situation is untenable. My question is, should we be investigating a private assessment for adhd (i am very sure he has asd but can’t afford an auDHD assessment)? His procrastination, inability to start tasks, dreaming, torpor, binge eating, insane avoidance all fit with my understanding of inattentive type adhd (my other son is medicated for combined type adhd so I know a little about it).

Or should we be investigating ssris for his mood? I obviously have reservations about side effects (particularly blunting of emotions - they couldn’t be any more blunt tbh) and am not sure if he is actually depressed - he doesn’t really think he is but knows something is wrong.

thank you so much if you’ve got this far - so aibu to get him an adhd assessment with the idea of trialling meds

or ainbu if you think I should look into antidepressants?

any wisdom gratefully received - he is a gorgeous, hilariously funny, self aware, empathetic boy who is suffering at the moment 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous07200408 · 14/11/2025 21:42

VivaVivaa · 14/11/2025 21:29

He has a very internalised pda presentation

Forget everything else, this will be the biggest challenge. I feel for him and you. Honestly, I think it will probably become too much for him by the sounds of it. If he’s adamant he wants to finish his course could he move back in with you? Presume you are very used to a relaxed, low demand household given both your DC’s diagnosis?

I also struggle to come to terms with a very able kid not being able to follow the pathway of getting a degree. I’m desperate to find a way to support him to do this rather than give up but maybe I’m being naive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous07200408 · 14/11/2025 21:41

LaserPumpkin · 14/11/2025 21:39

Is there any help available from his university in terms of diagnosis? May well not be, but it might be worth having a look.

I haven’t even checked knowing that waiting lists here are upwards of 5 years. I don’t even think they assess adults through the NHS in our local authority now.

OP posts:
LaserPumpkin · 14/11/2025 21:39

Is there any help available from his university in terms of diagnosis? May well not be, but it might be worth having a look.

Original poster
Anonymous07200408 · 14/11/2025 21:34

VivaVivaa · 14/11/2025 21:29

He has a very internalised pda presentation

Forget everything else, this will be the biggest challenge. I feel for him and you. Honestly, I think it will probably become too much for him by the sounds of it. If he’s adamant he wants to finish his course could he move back in with you? Presume you are very used to a relaxed, low demand household given both your DC’s diagnosis?

He could but actually the area he is thriving the most is socially and he is very proud of this. He is enjoying his nights out with his friends etc. I fear coming home would feel like a failure for him and isolate him.

we do have quite a low demand household but I also believe in de-accommodating around anxiety from a supportive parenting perspective (as per Eli leibowitz) so not entirely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous07200408 · 14/11/2025 21:31

Ramblingaway · 14/11/2025 21:21

I think if he did badly in his A levels, then unconditional offer or not, he could now be struggling academically because of gaps in his knowledge. That's going to be tough to face up to which could result in the avoidant behaviour you are seeing. It might mean either the course or the institute isn't right for him. It might be that this is what needs unpicking and once that is done hopefully his mood will lift. Not every young person lands in the right place first time. Not to say medication won't help, just that it might no be enough on its own.

I hear you. He also had a year out (where he travelled semi independently with a friend who is very type A and organised) so his inability to function in some ways at uni has been a shock. Unfortunately he did deskill in his subject. We are in Scotland so he got straight As in highers. He was one mark off an A in his subject for advanced higher which considering he did no work is remarkable. He pretty much failed the other 2.

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 14/11/2025 21:29

He has a very internalised pda presentation

Forget everything else, this will be the biggest challenge. I feel for him and you. Honestly, I think it will probably become too much for him by the sounds of it. If he’s adamant he wants to finish his course could he move back in with you? Presume you are very used to a relaxed, low demand household given both your DC’s diagnosis?

Original poster
Anonymous07200408 · 14/11/2025 21:29

KTheGrey · 14/11/2025 21:15

So he went all through school and nobody did any assessments? That’s quite a poor show from the schools, imo.

Are there decent Student Health Services? Pastoral provision of any kind? Get him to go to both of them and see what they / the Uni are able to do by way of diagnosis and assessment and support. Get as much professional guidance as you can, because it is - as you know - very complicated.

He was very high achieving and compliant. The school were amazing with my disruptive ND son but ds1 just flew under the radar. I now feel we have failed him. Luckily his dcd dyspraxia diagnosis got our foot in the door for disability services but I have had to drive everything and they will only speak to him (he cannot follow up any admin at the moment). I am going to his first dsa meeting on Monday (organised by me) to advocate for him because he would come out with nothing. I really hope he gets mentoring and study skills support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous07200408 · 14/11/2025 21:23

Thanks so much for the sensible comments. Our gp does shared care (my other son is medicated) so one he would be titrated it would be ok.

I’m not too worried about asd traits because if he does have adhd it is the very inattentive type (he’s sloth like a lot of the time) so I don’t think they are masking his asd traits currently.

my concern is autistic burnout but not sure where to go with that as he wants to stay at uni and can’t avoid all the demands of being a student. He has a very internalised pda presentation - unlike my other son who is odd/pda.

thanks again for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Ramblingaway · 14/11/2025 21:21

I think if he did badly in his A levels, then unconditional offer or not, he could now be struggling academically because of gaps in his knowledge. That's going to be tough to face up to which could result in the avoidant behaviour you are seeing. It might mean either the course or the institute isn't right for him. It might be that this is what needs unpicking and once that is done hopefully his mood will lift. Not every young person lands in the right place first time. Not to say medication won't help, just that it might no be enough on its own.

KTheGrey · 14/11/2025 21:15

So he went all through school and nobody did any assessments? That’s quite a poor show from the schools, imo.

Are there decent Student Health Services? Pastoral provision of any kind? Get him to go to both of them and see what they / the Uni are able to do by way of diagnosis and assessment and support. Get as much professional guidance as you can, because it is - as you know - very complicated.

VivaVivaa · 14/11/2025 21:14

I have to say, nothing is screaming ADHD. It’s giving autism with high IQ and demand avoidance primarily. Which often combine to give burnout - which is pretty much what you are describing here. But either way, anxiety and/or depression are very comorbid in neurodiversity. Personally I’d do both if you are convinced there is an element of ADHD there as well.

FuzzyWolf · 14/11/2025 21:14

I would go down the ADHD meds route first of all. However, bear in mind that a private ADHD assessment will mean you will be paying for medication.

Have you thought of the RTC route? Some providers medicate as well as assess although the waiting time will be longer (not as long as the NHS though).

Once he has tirated on the meds and given them a chance to work, then I think you will be able to look at whether antidepressants might also be needed (or needed instead).

Edited to add that ADHD meds can make autistic traits really come to the forefront and sometimes end up being counterproductive.

Good luck.