My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

I had a husband who did the food shop and cooked, top bloke, he just didn't lactate and had to work! I also went to baby groups (as I thought my baby was missing out if I didn't 🤣 nuts now I look back!). But even the taxing jobs of loading the dishwasher, doing washing, and breastfeeding around the clock, it's still not work now is it. I watched loads of daytime tv, oh and wrote my phd up, I forgot about that 🤣, I had an 18 month old and newborn on that maternity leave. That wasn't the most relaxing of the 3 maternity leaves, admittedly.

You’re asking for a break from looking after your baby, which you do mostly by yourself 24/7. He then immediately asks for the same length of break from looking after the same baby, which he has been doing by himself for…2 hours.

I agree. Personally I found being at home with a baby far easier than working; some might say the opposite but the fact is there are different pressures. And I’ve never particularly liked the corporate stuff, conferences and networking. If you’re telling him he’s had a break when he comes home from that then frankly I’m not surprised he’s pissed off

My friend (woman) is at a conference at the moment. She would have said the same as you. Now: I hate that I get home exhausted after a conference and dh thinks I’ve been on a holiday and I’m fecking knackered😅

op you're both allowed be wrecked- it’s not a competition but ye need to talk it out or t you’ll both just end up as bitter enemies

I agree with this. It does depend what kind of baby you have though. Mine was relatively easy so although I obviously lacked sleep and was quite tired, I did feel that I had a relatively easy time pottering about with the baby on my shoulder and wandering out for baby classes whilst my husband was in a job he didn't particularly enjoy and really missing us both. I wouldn't have said that him going away for work was a break for him. When I went back to work and he was on parental leave for a few months I didn't feel being away for work was a break for me either!

But all of this really depends on what your individual baby and partner are like, doesn't it? If my husband wasn't as invested in the baby or the baby was more colicky or whatever I would probably have felt very differently.

Work isn't a break, but as you say, a 3 day trip will have included plenty of down time and alone time.
The bigger issue is him whining about the single night feed a week. Nip that in the bud asap. It's his baby too whether he likes it or not

He's massively unreasonable.

And he knows it.

But you're allowing it.

He allows you to take all the load, and doesn't care.

That's the crux of the matter.

Maybe his days and working dinners with colleagues weren’t a break however he got a solid nights sleep in the hotel which is a break. He needs to do one night a week (minimum, ideally more) before you burn out

& lastly you don’t need to ask for a break! Your baby is your joint responsibly. They are yours between 9-5 and commuting time, outside of this it is equal responsibility!

Bloody hell - the competition on here

well when I’m at a work conference I have to set the whole room up for 500 people and start at 5 am and do all the presenting with only half a sausage roll. Then I have to cook the dinner and serve it before I have to do all the washing up and get to bed at 4am

oh and my baby took 3 minute power naps every 6 minutes and screamed in between so I didn’t sleep for 4 years

Interestingly for us, my DP had a similar mindset about paid work and tiredness but it proved helpful as he had to stand by this when I went back to work. He made a point of offering to do the night wakes when I was going in even for a keeping in touch day. Also him taken shared parental leave was very helpful. I remember the first day of it he said he felt like he wanted to cry from being stuck with a toddler on a wet cold day. 7 years on we are far from equal but we do both work 4 day weeks and usually split the school runs 50/50. The almost identical work schedule (and helpfully, pay) is useful.

And on a point another poster made about struggling to cope with a baby alone for 3 days...it depends on the baby, the sleep, experience and support network. I massively struggled with this with my first. Absolute doddle with second, even with toddler there!

He’s being a total dickhead. Keeping a tiny human alive is not that same as being at a conference. Screw that. Do not take this from him.

One sec. Read my post again. Please. Lucky. What actual planet are you on?

You've described how you were hallucinating and brought to the edge of breakdown by a baby that woke HALF as often as mine did. Whilst you were on maternity leave and I was back at work and had an old child

When you were getting the potential of 2 hours of sleep, I was getting one. Presumably your 2 hourly wakes ups didn't last a year.

You didn't have to focus on work whilst being in a sleep deprived state to the point of hallucination.

If you really want to be pedantic about it, you got an extra 5 minutes with your naps compared to my firstborn, who was a reliable 37 minutes, unless I contact napped, which I did until both of them were three.

I'm not saying you had it easy, you didnt. This parenting thing is hard, and poor sleepers make it even harder. but I certainly was not lucky!

Those first few months where I was on maternity leave were still the most relaxing of my life though. Before the hourly wakes ups kicked in. My second was doing 2 to 3 hourly wakes at that stage which felt manageable.

he should have been helping with night feeds from the get go. Wild he thinks he can call himself a parent when he does no parenting.

He sounds insufferable. Did he want a baby? Because even if he’s lived under a rock for most of his life, he has surely hear that they tend to impact sleep quite a bit! Fair play cards are a good way to explore the division of labour and ensure it’s equitable but it needs two invested people to make it work.

Basically this. Work isn't a break. Both parents should get time to themselves.

Kicking off about doing one feed a week or you going out with friends and not pulling his weight is a piss take but that's unrelated to the headline purpose of the thread

Baby with a loser boyfriend and this is the result.
Get back to work.
Lodge a CM claim and be prepared to go it alone.
I hope you have family and friends for support.
He thinks he's still single andvthis baby is yours.

He's not getting it, and he's being a total nob.

Going to work is not a break, you are always “on”. Regardless you should still have some time alone and DH should offer to have the baby, it’s half his at the end of the day!

It’s completely normal to feel rage and resentment during this period, especially with your first baby. You see him swanning around, in and out the house, living a life that you used to live and it’s hard sometimes.

Please remember that you are a team and you shouldn’t be competing against each other. You are both providing really valuable contributions towards your family. Try to appreciate that in each other. Meeting each other’s needs, instead of fighting for your individual needs to be met, is the way to get through this.

Telling him that his time away with work is a “break” is obviously going to upset him, and it’s quite demeaning, BUT I understand how you got there, because it feels like it sometimes. It would feel like a break for you right now.

He isn’t a mind reader either. It’s normal to want a break, but not want to be away from your baby; but he can’t anticipate that for you and you shouldn’t expect him to.

IMO he should be doing night feeds one night a week. You should get a lie in the next morning. The other weekend day, you do the night feeds and he gets a lie in. That way, you both get a good night’s sleep and lie in per weekend. If there are trying times (sleep regressions, teething etc) then he should step up and help out additionally at night even if it means he’s tired at work the next day. No one should have a baby and expect to never feel tired.

I sometimes remind my DH that it isn’t fair that my “work” is 24/7 whilst his is 40 hours per week. Especially when there’s two parents and only one child.

Never in my life have I heard a mum, or a primary parent refer to themselves as an involved parent. Only dads or secondary parents who don't take on the mental load.

It is a break from constantly being "on" when you're cosy in bed with eight hours in the sheets ahead, having a poo, getting dressed, watching telly in the room knowing you have 20 minutes before you need to leave, on your lunch, literally doing ANYTHING... when you're not constantly subject to the threat of poonamis, feeds, projectile vomiting, random crying, etc.

Work is not a break and your DH is working hard to earn money to pay all the bills. You are on maternity leave so at the moment you should be doing most of the childcare and housework.

At the end of the day, you have both had a hard day for different reasons. You both need some time to chill out and relax and your partner needs to spend some time with his child - you need have a discussion about how this will happen.

Things will get easier when your baby is older and has a set bedtime routine and is sleeping through the night. This situation is not forever, you will get your evenings back.

The competition between you isn’t healthy although I get why it’s easy to fall into that trap. When I was on maternity leave I resented my husband being out of the house and now I’m working full time again, I remember how tiring it can be, and how draining work travel is. I miss my lazy days with baby. You need to work together to ensure you’re both getting equal downtime, it’s important.

Also were you both on mat leave at the same time? Because 2 parents at home full time would be an incredible.time.