My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

I resuscitate people for a living, including children. Not sure if that counts as a high-pressure job to you, but it certainly doesn’t feel like a break.

That’s irrelevant though. What’s relevant is that here we have both parents feeling hard done by and a bit resentful and that’s no good, For us, we split alone time and also split parenting/housework to try and meet both of our needs for alone time (both introverts) as a priority. Just to stay sane (and married).

He also needs to do night feeds. As working mums do. The pain needs to be shared

I'm just kidding, but seriously I have never had a day at at work harder overall than the relentlessness of days at home with my reflux baby on no sleep. But it is the no sleep that makes it so hard. Once I have sleep I'd prefer home to work. If your kids sleep I imagine that makes the difference

I think there are two separate points here - a setup where the woman is exclusively breastfeeding and the baby wakes often does mean of course that the night falls to the woman. While very difficult (and if frequent waking lasts a very long time, potentially very damaging to the woman’s health) if all involved are genuinely happy with this setup, that’s fine.

What would concern me (and I may have misunderstood your post) is if a man wouldn’t give their partner a break at other times of the day or evening, or if the woman felt like wanting that made her demanding, as you’ve put it. Ultimately, no one should ideally be expected to do 100% of the parenting 24 hours a day (single parents have my utmost respect in this regard), and all that @Crybabydumplin is asking for is a break to go running and one night feed a week from her partner. Facilitating a break for occasional exercise is the absolute minimum level of respect that I would expect any partner to show me. It’s also the minimum I’d expect them to show in terms of interest in their own child.

Haha is that the best you’ve got?

Maybe you're not very good at your job?

I have zero biological children. I have done a million work/conference/entertaining bullshit work things. They are awful. Hard work, long days, fake smiley face shitness.
Having looked after friends and family’s small children (for a limited time, nothing like being a full time parent, max one week) even I know that looking after a small child is far harder than any corporate shite I may have to do. He’s a dick.

No it’s not the same. Though having done both I can tell you i found keeping the tiny human alive a lot easier and less tiring than doing the conferences.

Sadly I think this story will resonate with many, many people
I remember pretty much that exact conversation (on multiple occasions!) over the years my kids were young.
Stand your ground NOW or else it will simply carry on.

No, work isn’t a “break” but a 3 day conference is much, much easier than 3 days on your own with a baby so yes I think he was unreasonable for him to immediately suggest leaving you alone with the baby again immediately after returning. As you said — he’s been showering alone, sleeping undisturbed etc for the last three days!

I had similar resentment toward my husband at this age even though he was very supportive and did try to do everything he could (breastfed baby just wasn’t having it). Now my child is 4 it’s massively improved on its own as there’s a lot more they can go out and do together for ages that they both really enjoy. It’s part of the reason I won’t be having another though — it was horrible feeling so angry and resentful all the time.

He is selfish and like many men sees babies as being your domain. The difference is being a cater for a baby is 24/7. When he is working he gets a lunch break and commuting time to himself and unless he pulls his weight at home he has evenings and weekends. I got myself a Saturday job when our children were small to force my husband to interact with them as otherwise he left it all to me. Women should take time for themselves and not let dads abdicate all responsibility from childcare. It makes for a better relationship between Dad and child too.

His comment about nightfeeds is ridiculous. Point out the impact it is having on your sleep. I would make him do at least one of the weekend nights.

Well done. Neither did mine and my work is hardcore and I still manage a day at work after no sleep more easily than a day of relentless parenting.

I work full time normally and so does my husband . I’m on mat leave and he still takes the baby to give me a break when he gets home from work. He’s tired but he understands that looking after a baby is a different level of difficulty and gives me a break because he appreciates what I’m doing for our family. I would have thought it was the opposite and a lot of families break down because of men who do minimal input in the home. Looking after small children is extremely demanding and IS work.

@Crybabydumplin I wouldn’t be happy with this and you’re obviously not either. My husband and I split every night as long as I am able to express enough milk during the day for him to do a feed, which has worked so far (in part we are lucky that our baby only wakes twice to feed, which makes the split straightforward). It’s early days and he’s recently back at work - I’ve offered to do some full nights myself, but he has refused so far (I may insist if he gets really tired and starts to struggle at work). I know I’m lucky, but point is we are a team. Yes, I do much more with the baby through the day as I’m on leave at the moment, and our baby spends much of the day feeding, but he makes a point of having a decent amount of input. When we get to his part of shared parental leave, he will be better able to adapt and manage as a result.

Okay, but you still found it easier than work - again, that is YOU. Not everyone is the same. I had PPA and it ate me alive. I worked a bit and I was up every hour for years. It nearly killed me. I would see my husband go off for work every day, he had his lovely commute, his toilet breaks, his lunches, his headspace, I didn't have that. However he was very supportive of my, unlike OPs partner and yourself, he did take the baby and give me time and space and not expect me to raise children 24/7.

Raising kids is work. It is unpaid, under appreciated work. And the fact that many wives take on a majority of it allows their partners to go off and succeed in their workplaces where many women end up falling behind.

And many relationships break down because women are exhausted, touched out and under valued, not because they want half an hour to themselves. Get your head out of the 1950s.

Dick...show him these comments. My partner is taking our 9 months old to his parents tomorrow overnight to give me a break.

I'm sorry you had a baby with a selfish asshole. He HAS to spend a whole day with the baby on his own.... then we will see what he says.

Ah I can kind of see both sides with this one.

You definitely need some time off after three nights solo parenting - and your DH doesn’t sound like he respects how hard that can be.

But equally, being on a work conference is tiring.

I’m back at work now albeit part time and it’s funny how on my days with the kids I resent my partner for being at work and thinking he’s getting a break, then as soon as I’m back in work I think oh no actually this isn’t a break at all

I think it’s ok for him to ask for equal time to himself too, but only if he’s sharing the childcare with you on the times that you are both at home. Including mornings, nights etc

My children breastfed every 2 hours and were still nighttime breastfeeding aged 2 and none slept through until age 3! They weren't "easy" babies, they were hard, but you don't have work on mat leave. Even with other demands on me (a looming phd deadline, a viva to pass etc) I still respected that my husband was exhausted after a long day at work. I didn't go demanding time off, or that he gets up in the night, you can't if you are breastfeeding anyway. I'm not saying it isn't hard at times, of course it is. I imagine this is why so many relationships breakdown when people have babies and small children.

My parenting was absolutely this kind of day, and I have a high pressure corporate role.

tbe dad is a complete dick- one night feed will throw out his sleep?? Do a return to work jobs schedule- he does pick up or drop off every day, packs lunches, empties and packs childcare bags, cooks dinner, bath bedtime and clean up, 3 nights allocated all night waking, 4 loads of laundry a week. And say the message he’s sending is that you need to return to work asap so your husband remembers you’re a human being too.

and just ask for some time off? ‘I just did ask, and you gave me this pathetic only if i give you extra time off speech which si why we are now having a conversation about your wife is human too; subtitled could you be less of a selfish pompous ass.

Sorry but no no no you are absolutely not being unreasonable at all. I have a 5 month old and it’s relentless. A conference with down time for drinks , socialising and even (no doubt ) plenty of down time for going on your phone/reading/watching tv in the hotel room is in no way comparable. I would be expecting to hand the baby over for a break as well upon his return. This is my second dc. After I had my first going back to work was like a break in some ways, adult company and uninterrupted tea breaks. Of course you were dying for some me time that’s completely normal and understandable. I suggest going away for a night with friends when possible and leaving him with the baby to give him a taste of what it’s like so he can appreciate it.

You should get a break, and be able to go for a run or a drink with a friend. He should also get a break and some free time for himself. Work is obviously variety and getting to do something different, but it's not a break. If he's supposed to work full time and also give you a break, then he also needs a break as well.

YOUR maternity was like that, have you considered that others aren't the same? That maybe they had PPD? or PPA? Or a child with colic? Or one that wakes evrey hour? Or a useless partner who doesn't help? Or no partner at all? Or even, like me, work on your maternity leave because you're self employed and can't afford not to?

Just because you had all those things and managed to watch loads of tv and do your studying doesn't mean everyone else experiences the same thing. Good for you, but for many women there are other issues that come into play. And then work does feel like a break, a mental and sometimes physical break from something which is constant and exhausting.

Your experience is not universal.

He needs to get a grip and do some parenting. Time for you to say rght I'm going for a bath/shower and just walk off out the room. Take your time. And do it every night.
Build up to not just an evening out with friends, but have a night away. Don't ask. Tell him it's happening.
You both need time to yourselves. He just takes his. You don't. Change this for your own sake.

It absolutely is work, household drudgery is the absolute worst thing in my mind. I'd write a thesis over loading a dishwasher any day of the week. I absolutely loathe household chores, relentless, neverending, repetitive, absolutely never finished. If I'd a household staff I'd love mat leave but the constantly house bollocks. Hell on earth.

The thing is, work isn't relaxing but you get to commute by yourself, use the toilet by yourself, eat by yourself, go to bed for a whole night by yourself - its not the same as looking after kids 24/7 when they are everywhere and you have to be alert to them 24/7 just in case. Work isn't relaxing no, but there are loads of moments that you get to yourself that you don't get when you're parenting.

No advice but much empathy - I had a very similar argument with my DH when he went away for work, and he was incensed that I suggested it was 'a break'. In retrospect it would've been more helpful if I had called it 'a break from baby', but, whatever, frankly, I was sleep deprived and the idea of three nights in a hotel with UNINTERRUPTED sleep and showers was bliss.

The comment about not wanting to do night feeds almost pisses me off more, because there he clearly must know he's unreasonable to not want to do even one!!! and yet he said no.