My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

Has he not been doing either Fri or Sat night feeds since the day baby was born.

yup, just enables this behaviour.
Our child was born on a Friday - I left DH in no disillusion that I would be at my regular Thursday night choir practice and have not missed one since (I was a bit tired though haha). Likewise, he gets his Wednesday night activity night and we both see friends when we want, sometimes with DC in tow, others not.
This 'who does what' is just ridiculous yet so common among new parents and should be spoken about before the baby is born - or preferable before it's conceived.

You’re both a bit wrong imo. Him working isn’t a break (assuming your finances are shared) as he is working ‘for the team’. You are also ‘working for the team’ with childcare. Both are important.

I think you need to be clear you’re not saying him working is a break. The hotel evenings and dinners etc are a break; and you deserve a recharge when he gets back from this sort of event.

Give him more baby responsibility. He doesn’t realise what you’re dealing with. There’s no real way imo to deal with this time ‘fairly’ because you are stuck with baby when they are young. Hang on in there because you will get some freedom back. What’s important now for you is to keep talking, try to lower your standards a bit, him also, and as baby grows make sure you start giving DH more responsibility- what i mean is don’t let this stay the default. It’s ok for now when baby is young, but by time baby is 1, your DH can be way more involved and it’s important for everyone that he is! Lots of luck. Be kind to yourself. I was at my absolute worst point 6-9mo after birth- so so tired and the novelty was wearing off!!! It got much better 1+ for everyone . Xo

@SplishSplash123 But you’re not looking after a baby all day if they nap a few times, even if they contact nap you’re sitting chilling. And when they’re awake at that age you can be doing fun things or just going for a walk for fresh air, out for coffee with friends etc. Different to concentrating at a conference 9am - 5pm. That’s not to say that it’s not hard (especially the nights) but equally a three day conference isn’t like three days off

I agree.

The fact that this mans own baby has to "get used" to his father feeding him is absurd.

Disagree with anyone saying a work conference isnt a break. He will have had time after the daytime activities to go back to his room and have a short rest/shower etc. He didnt need to stay out late.
In comparison to being "on" all the time with a baby, that is a break.

OP, he's behaving awfully.

Suggest he books a day of annual leave so you can have a full day to yourself and see whether he finds the day harder than a day at work or not...

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

Stop 'building up to it'. Be more assertive and go!
Tell him what you're doing rather than pussy foot around almost asking permission. He certainly is!

That's really not a universal finding at all. My two closest friends and I all found being home with kids way easier than work. I loved the park visits, running around being fire trucks and doing push ups on the playground equipment, I was so much fitter than now. And school holidays are still the best time of the year. Work on the other hand - sure I'm talking to adults but most of them are demanding and annoying without the excuse of being children. The stress is awful. I'm sure it depends on the job - one friend works at a specialist school which is rewarding but physically very tough ( lots of actual injuries), the other is a HR exec, and I'm middle management in a politicised field so the media storms and government demands are constant. Being at home was tedious at times but if I could afford it is go back to that in a heartbeat.

My DH actually wanted to be with his kids when he got home from work trips. I didn't have to bargain with him to spend time with them.

The bar is so incredibly low when it comes to fathers.

You are right, looking after a baby 24/7 is exhausting and you never get to ‘turn off’. Even if he is busy all day he still gets to have a full nights sleep. He should definitely be doing at least two nights a week where he is the one getting up to the baby as well and not just one.
I’m sorry you’re married to someone that doesn’t appreciate how full on being a Mum to a new baby is.

Honestly, this may depend on the person. For me, a conference is very much an enjoyable break. And I enjoy my work. Both of those things are far less stressful than being at home with a baby, imo.

I am so sorry for you.
mu husband was the same I ended up growing my two kids alone, I was doing everything, all the mental load school pick up drop off after school homework organise parties play dates uniforms clothes doctors. Everything. He completely detached from anything regarding the kids. I am not saying he will get that bad but if now there is no division it will just get worst. On hand sight I would have started couple therapy and get help from an external person. When I did it was too late.

Don't over-think it. As a household, you've had to encompass a conference working away, and looking after a 5 month old bf baby, on top of all the usual day-to-day stuff. You're both going to be tired and aggravated and not your most reasonable / forgiving / enlightened selves.

It doesn't seem unreasonable that you get to go and have a run though x

Dh did night feeds Friday and Saturday and last night feed during the week so I could go to bed early
He's a dick

Selfish pricks gonna selfish prick.

But time off from what?

he gets time off from work and she gets time off from baby

why does he need time off from baby if he’s been away 3 days?

both are hard but in different ways and if he considers parenting to be on a par to work then why does he expect OP to do it 24/7!

Two things can be true at once: you need a break but a work trip is not a break even if there is work socialising involved. You both get time off.

This response is perfect

I’m with you @Crybabydumplin .

I felt the same when mine was little and very much similar now mine is 5 and on the pathway for autism and he’s fucking off on conferences etc every 2nd week from Sept- Dec.

Book a girls trip. Inform him it’s networking. I went to Finland last year 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Anyone who has done both knows work is easier. And the people who generally have done both the most are women.

Work is a break - it's a break when you have a baby, it's a break when your kids are at school and you take off weeks for holidays - its a break going back to work after that shit!!

You talk to adults, chat, have fun, go to bed in a hotel! of course its a break.

Ask him when your down time is if his is after work?

I think they are both hard and tiring in different ways. And it's easy when you are both tired and stressed to start arguing about who has it worse. But it's not helpful. Assuming your DH is a generally decent man (given you recently decided to start a family with him) then sit down and talk about what you are both struggling with ( but not as a competition) and what will help you both. Don't let this time be eaten up with resentment.

I’ve just gone back to work after maternity leave and was in your exact situation. Hubby away most weeks for a couple of days and me absolutely knackered at home. He didn’t get it.
Now I’m back at work and in a high pressure job I can categorically say work is a ‘break’ compared to 24/7 breastfeeding and being a mum. I can go to the toilet when I need to, eat/drink when I’m hungry and if I have a conference or night away I come home so refreshed and so excited to see our baby, it’s work but it’s also such a break.
But don’t expect your husband to ever get it….

This

he had a break from the baby. That’s what OP really meant

although it sounds like he always has a break from the baby…

I agree work and or a conference is a break compared to 24/7 care of a baby

A work conference is not a break imho. You need to work together to give each other breaks.