My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

What did he expect to happen when he had a child? Parents have to look after their children. Both paid work and unpaid work looking after children (and especially a new baby) is tiring. Most parents have to work and spend evenings and weekends looking after their children and on household tasks. It’s all work. You’ve both been working.

Of course mothers spend a lot of time recovering from pregnancy and birth, and feeding/bonding with their baby (especially if bf), in the first months after birth. And that’s the period the father (and other loved ones) naturally care for and support the mother. Not to use the mother’s natural instinct (‘obsession’) to be with a baby (that was inside her for the previous nine months) as an excuse for getting out of caring responsibilities entirely. Even if the mother hasn’t given birth (e.g. adoption), both parents are still equally responsible for childcare as a starting point, even if they mutually agree a different split in responsibility (e.g. SAHM). It shouldn’t be presumed the mother does more.

IMHO, he needs to adjust his life to being a parent. He needs to have respect for you as a mother. He needs to understand that looking after a baby or young child is very relentless, tiring and responsible work - albeit wonderful at the same time. Ideally by caring for the baby on his own for long periods once it’s a bit older. To gain perspective and empathy. It’s why IMHO/IME both parents should spend at least one weekday each looking after and bonding with their children alone when the mother returns to work. It means both understand the challenges of work outside the home - and within it.

You need to talk about what’s required and expected to ensure your partnership is equitable going forward.

Sorry the usual mansnetters are pretending not to get it OP.

You obviously, clearly mean he gets a break from being "on" 24/7 which you never ever do if you are at home with a baby, he also gets a break by being with other adults, drinking and chatting and time to wind down with zero childcare responsiblities, which you never ever do if you are the sole carer for a baby.

You're right and he's wrong, but he sounds like a bit of a cock, so you will have to be firm and insist upon your right to a break from parenting and being on full time with a baby.

Do all the mothers who go to these grueling conferences come home and have to be asked to look after their kids?

I doubt it.

I've had two children and agree to some extent. Maternity leave and being a PT SAHM was great and so much easier than work.

My heart breaks for you OP. You're being neglected and treat like a household appliance. Your husband sounds like a fukboi to me. With zero redeeming qualities. He's gaslighting you, manipulative and cruel. That poor baby has him for a "dad".

Get angry. Stand up for yourself. And for God's sake, go and google "decentring my husband"

OP I completely agree with you.

Don't be silly. Being on with babies and small children 24 hours a day is in no way comparable with him finishing his work day then going to rest in a nice comfy clean hotel room, have drinks and dinner in blessed silence or with colleagues.

You know full well you're being disingenous and that she means it is a break from parenting and some time to wind down.

Which she never gets, and he does.

I'm a mum of 3, and I have to travel for work regularly.
Going to a conference is not a break. Absolutely the opposite. Exhausting long days.
Yes - being at home along with a 5month old is exhausting, and you deserve some headspace too.
However you aren't going to win this if you speak in hyperbole.

Happens a lot on Mensnet, oops sorry Mumsnet.

I think a lot of women on this thread are trying to convince themselves they don't have shit partners.

He is choosing to pretend not to get it, as men do when it threatens their play time and hobbies.

My male colleague with 2-under-3 is absolutely open that a night away for work is a luxury. Any excuse for an overnight, he’s totally upfront that it’s a nice break. His DW knows and his upfrontedness hopefully makes it easier at home 😬

Are you taking the piss?

I go away once a year for a conference - it’s actually our relatively small company putting on a huge event so not just attending and it also includes hosting evening events, and we are all run off our feet for 3 straight days, stressed, and running on very little sleep. I come home a broken woman every year.

It’s still a break. I listen to my favourite audiobooks/ playlists in the car on the way down. There’s fancy Elemis toiletries in the bathroom and if I don’t have time for breakfast in the hotel I get coffee and pastries passed to me as I’m running round the place. I’m stressed and shattered but I get to have conversation and a laugh with other adults. I have had to do a lot of weird and wonderful things in the name of keeping guests, exhibitors and speakers happy but none of them as yet have needed me to literally wipe their arse for them. I may get to bed late and be up early but the sleep I do get in between I’m not going to be woken by someone who needs feeding, soothing or rocking back to sleep. If nothing else it’s a change of scenery.

And when I come home I actively enjoy spending time with DD and giving DH a break from doing everything at home.

DH and I did shifts in the nights in the early days. Your sleep is important too, what you do all day is important too and deserves rest too. Your partner is supposed to be on your side supporting you. As he has a conference type job im assuming he’s not down the mine, flying jets or performing open heart surgery every day in normal working life so he can afford to have the odd broken night as well as you.

It can be really bloody hard OP so don’t be disheartened by the posters who tell you that being at home with just one baby is a piece of cake and you shouldn’t need help or need a break, or the man must have it so much harder because he has to go sit at a desk and send some emails. Some people find it all a piece of piss I’m sure, but nobody I know did. It’s hard.

I’ve got no idea what can be so hard about being at home with a newborn. Isn’t it just sitting around watching tv and having ‘cuddles’? Maybe the occasional foray to Costa to drink coffee? It’s always sounded like a lovely break from work to me.

Well said!

Work isn’t a break, you need to get that straight in your head. Between the two of you something needs to happen to stop both being idiots.

If he's a natural social butterfly then it's a bit of a break, but if not then it's actually quite draining to to do the whole obglitory meals, drinks and then work during the day.

DH loved working away but with a baby he was desperate to be at home. For me it was fine but yes I did say oh how nice to have a room in a hotel and half snooze during non led meetings. When I went back to work it was hard but not when on maternity leave, maybe because I had nap time in the afternoons. Xx

Looking after a baby by yourself is exhausting. I've done it for DS's whole life, compared to that, working was a breeze, even when I was pregnant and knackered (or so I thought!) Back then I'd go to work, come home, and have a shower, a big glass of milk and a nap. Today I burst into tears because DS cried when I put him in his playpen, and I needed to get the washing up done.

It’s not that you can’t have a shower - its just as soon as you get in the baby will start screaming so then it becomes a rush or a stress

Wow he’s being a complete arse in my opinion. Yes ok works not a break in the traditional sense of the word (lol) but when you have a baby it is a bloody break! Showering easily, sleeping through the night! Hotel breakfast, maybe a trip to the gym or pool, these are utter luxuries when you have a new baby!

First thing he should do when he comes home is let you decompress and have some time to yourself, 3 days solo parenting a 5 month old is hard.

It is easy for relationships to fall into a tit for tat approach when it comes to sleep deprivation etc. who’s more tired, who’s over worked. Of course you both need down time, but I’m sorry looking after a baby is just a different kind of exhausted and he needs to step up if he’s been away for 3 days. And doing a night feed as a one off? Get a grip! Some men truly have no idea what mothers go through in those early months. You are not being unreasonable.

Re read my post. I said that both people coulr get a break from the thing they’d been doing by doing something different.

I didn't say me time. I didn’t say a proper break. I said a break from the thing they’d been doing.

I really don't understand this new phenomenon of mothers being unable to shower. How on earth do you think people managed in the past? Stop being a martyr and just have a bloody shower!

been there done this. I completely understand where you are coming from. I’ve done stressful jobs and I’ve done looking after babies on my own and they are both hard but in different ways. Saying he was having a break is not helpful. Yes he got to shower and go to the toilet in peace and enjoy some baby free time but it’s still work. Think about before kids, if you went on a three day conference would you feel tired afterwards and want some r and r, probably. The issue is possibly that he can’t understand how hard looking after a baby all the time is. I know my XH never did. He never looked after babies on his for more than a couple of hours and that isn’t that hard, it’s the relentlessness of doing it all the time that’s the kicker. My advice, with the benefit of hindsight, would be to try and express how you are feeling without comment on what he is doing or not doing and try to avoid the competitiveness of who is working hardest or having the worst day. When you talk to him try to think that winning is not about making him feel like shit but would be getting the help you need. Because if he helps you when you are finding babies hard, you’ll be in a better position to support him when his work is stressful.

Had an exh like this, i used a nanny a few times to get a break to go shopping, or once i went for a swim. It was shit, he never stepped up.

Moving fwd 11 years, I bought the kids up by myself , he failed as a dad.
Don't be me. Insist. If he begrudges this, don't have more children, and start paying for help, or make a life without him.