My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

I wouldn't have discussions about it. I would cleverly make sure I took my time back. So every time he has downtime you make sure you plan a run or a coffee with a friend. Equal downtime should be the norm. The baby is both of yours it shouldn't be that your husband perceives this as your responsibility. By getting into a new habit hopefully you can retrain him without causing aggro.

How have you got to 5 months without him doing a night feed? Apologies if you are breastfeeding!

For a start a baby can’t do anything for itself, and a newborn needs a lot - they might need their nappy changing 10+ times per day with outfit changes, constant feeding especially if breastfeeding but if not making and washing bottles, often don’t sleep very well - and of course you can’t leave them alone even if you can put them down. Lots of newborns won’t be put down without crying. It’s hard to imagine how hard work it is being alone with a baby in my opinion, unless you’ve had one.

It can be an achievement just getting out to Costa some days. I now work full time and have a toddler and think work is also exhausting by the way, which is why I think the OP and her partner need to work as a team as one feeling worse off than the other is a slippery slope.

My job required me to be constantly switched on, and a screw up could permanently affect people's lives. I often pulled all nighters to ensure I didn't let clients down, so I actually got more sleep with my newborn.

Even when my second woke hourly for a year (6-18m), it wasn't as stressful as work because the individual stresses were trivial in comparison. It's frustrating when they don't stop crying, but no one is going to kill themselves, or lose their home, or go to prison.

I was utterly burnt out with stress when I went in maternity leave with my first. Having a baby have me the chance to sleep and rest and realise I could never go back to the crazy stressful life I had before.

Now they are older (and harder work), and my job is more sedate, work does feel like a break sometimes.

But it's not relaxation time, or 'me time', it's still work.

Exactly.

Mat leave felt like an extended holiday for me, despite the sleep deprivation.

But I recognise that other people may experience it very differently.

Similarly, going to work will feel like a break for some. Others may find that difficult to comprehend.

There are so many variables. Personality and skill set. Differences between jobs. Differences between babies etc.

It depends a lot on the baby. I had a crier and it was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. Constantly worrying about them, the awful feeling when the crying starts up again and you know you can’t stop it, the exhaustion- i would have to rock and bounce for over an hour to get her to fall asleep, my back was in AGONY. If you can imagine having to swing and bounce an 5kg dumbbell for hours every day only for it to non stop scream at you. She wouldn’t lie flat so I couldn’t put her in the bassinet (flat pram for newborns) so i couldn’t push her in a pram until 6 months, I had to carry her everywhere. And I couldn’t even use a sling for the first couple of months because she was too small for the weight limit. And of course the wake-ups. sometimes every hour for a feed, sometimes every 2-3 hours. Even going for a coffee was stressful. my baby wouldn’t last long in a coffee shop before crying. she would poo extremely frequently so my coffee would likely be interrupted by that. Oh, and i had to give up dairy and caffeine as i thought my breastmilk might be causing her issues, so coffee wasn’t much fun anyway. Still, at least i wasn’t recovering from surgery like other mums in that position!

Then i had a second baby who didn’t have any colicky issues. he slotted right in, i never had to rock him he would feed to sleep or just doze off in the pram. he waked in the night but would go back to sleep after a feed - with my first born i had to hold her upright for 30 mins after every feed. I was so sleep deprived i hallucinated at one point!

so yeh it depends a lot!

This thread clearly highlights how subjective things are.

Some people think being home with a baby is harder than going to work

Some people think going to work is harder than being home with a baby

Neither is wrong. Different people find different things easier or harder

Personally, I loved being home with baby on maternity leave, and then again with baby and toddler. It was easier than my job and a lot more enjoyable. But thats my experience

Nothing wrong with op wanting a break and time to herself when dh came back from conference

Nothing wrong with dh also then wanting a break and time to himself when she returns from her run

In this instance, with the conference, he would have at least had a few nights of uninterrupted sleep and the choice not to socialise in the evening - at least not every evening. OP wouldn't have had any of those options.

While the whole trip was not a break, he had chances for breaks within it. He could show more care towards his DP upon getting home.

Honestly sometimes I cannot believe what some people will defend. I look at my DH and can't believe that some men and women think anything less is acceptable than a supporting, loving partner who shares life equally. Maybe I am lucky. Or maybe the constant excusing of shit behaviour like the OPs DH is what creates theses fucking bastards who repeatedly treat their wives like shit, especially after children come into the picture.

I think this thread just proves how different we all are. My DC has never slept through (in fact just had one of the worst nights ever) and was awake every hour until 12 months and every 2 at least since then. My partner works away so it all falls on me. Honestly can't remember the last time I got any decent sleep. But I still find being at home with DC much easier than the days I work. Different people, different jobs and different personalities I guess.

Of course. But I still think op is being a bit helpless and demanding.
We also don't know how stressful the conference was.
Both op and her husband need to show more respect for each other's needs.

People whose babies sleep, and people whose babies don’t, have very different experience of the baby stage.

Imagine not having slept more than 2-3 hours in one go for five months, and think what a night (let alone three) in a hotel with no baby might feel like…!

Fair enough, I breast fed my DC but they all slept through really early (my boobs felt like they were going to explode in the morning mind you ) so I didn’t have the months and months of exhaustion. Whereas jet lag (not all the time) can hit me really bad and I feel quite ill afterwards.

I think both the OP’s and the DH’s roles are busy and exhausting and he is a dick to not be offering at least one night a week or them splitting the nights on a regular basis for her sanity and wellbeing.

Go away for three days and leave him with the baby 🙂

Saying that going to work is a "break" - especially overseas work - is really fucking insulting. I'd be furious if anyone told me my job - which I love - is a break.

Travelling is knackering. Having to be constantly "on" professionally is knackering. Having every minute of your time accounted for and then having to do your work on top of it is knackering. Constantly thinking about work-related matters is knackering. Doing this for a week straight on increasingly bad sleep is knackering.

It's as insulting as saying maternity leave is a "break" because you get to stay at home, you don't have to commute, you don't have to have a professional face on 24/7, you have all your home comforts around you and you don't have to constantly interact with people who are not your friends or family.

It would be helpful to realise that each of you think the other one is having a "break" because when you're travelling for work, the thing you most crave is just to be at home with your family; and when you're on maternity leave, the thing you most crave is to be out and about talking to other adults. The reason you think the other person has it easy is the exact reason they're knackered.

I breast fed mine and also do long haul travel for work, and I always found work travel felt like a luxury break vs being woken up frequently throughout the night and having a crying baby in my orbit 24h a day.

A colicky / demanding baby really grinds you down.

Jet lag is also exhausting in a very specific way, two different things can both be exhausting.

No. Hence my question.

I cannot help wondering who has raised these entitled, lazy assholes and if they realise what a terrible job they have done.

This, and working away and having to stay in hotels isn't a holiday. There are certain expectations of team playing from companies. The novelty of business trips wears off very quickly when reality kicks in. Its no holiday.

Do you have kids?

Nope.

I agree. Also depends on what you’re doing at the conference - and your personality/needs.

If you’re working on a stand at the conference, trying to broker deals or running events/sessions all day, it can be very demanding/ tiring. If you’re only speaking at one event and then sitting in sessions/networking, it’s pretty relaxing if you’re a sociable person. Going to dinner can be no more tiring than going to dinner with friends. But if you’re an introvert, neurodivergent/disabled, or under pressure to hit targets and/or perform, a conference could be really exhausting.

Looking after babies and young children is invariably demanding and exhausting, especially the first as it’s a big adjustment/steep learning curve.

When I worked in academia if you had to travel to an international conference there was an understanding that you got the day off before and after. The day before was for preparation and packing and the day after to recover from the trip. There was an aunderstanding that being at a conference was "work" because it was a business related activity. As OP argues you get to have nice meals, drinks at the bar, socialise, stay at a decent hotel and perhaps a theatre trip or similar. In short that you are not on duty 24/7. While acknowledging this, there was an understanding that being away from home meant that while there people were not free to allocate their free time as they normally would. For a singleton like me it meant having to arrive home tired with a case of dirty washing to be unpacked, washed and put away, domestic tasks to be caught up on and so forth. In the case of OP she is having to do all the childrearing and domestic tasks for which she would normally expect to count on her partner for support. She doesnt get to socialise at the bar or have nice meals with her friends but is in sole charge of a toddler while also pregnant.

I guess it depends on the job. Some physical jobs are more tiring.

I had a very demanding, mentally taxing (desk) job while raising three kids. I loved looking after the kids, but it was much more relentless, demanding and tiring than work. At work, I could take a lunch break alone and fully relax for 30 minutes. At work, colleagues would make me a cup of tea or share the load.