My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

Looking after children can be a break from work, just as much as the reverse is true.

No idea why people want me time when they have a baby, there is plenty of time for that when your children leave home.

@EarthlyNightshade what bit about time to yourself are you not getting. I’m sure he is happy to spend time with his baby. As well as enjoy time to himself. Nothing wrong with that. I do think that mumsnet are being mainly ridiculous and suggesting a parent at home in their own house with their own child has it tougher than the working parent. Get a grip. I’ve done both. I know which is easier though on here you’d think motherhood was a tough chore to get through. Not really people. It can have tough days. It’s still easier than parenting and working.

Ex dh worked away 7 weeks leaving me with 3 children and the house to maintain. When he was home, if I asked him to help with something the reply was always "I'm on holiday".
One reason why he's ex!
The benefit to me was that I can now do all those little jobs that come along, all by myself. I learnt a lot of diy because I had to when he was away.... and home.

Hang on, has he not fed the baby once since you gave birth 5 months ago?!

He is not getting it.

leave him with baby next week end and when you come back, ask for more time :)

If it is baby n1, he has an excuse. Noone knows until they know and these days…it is usually the wife/partner whom has the pleasure to explain. I do hope that mothers will do better next time round! Let’s raise our boy so they get it!

Surely then he'd be happy spending time with his baby instead of immediately negotiating more time away?

I am fairly sure that if work wasn't a "break" all the men would be sitting at home with their kids and women would be working.
I think it's a bit sad that he wanted time away from the baby immediately after getting back but many men are like this.

I totally disagree. I hate going away with work. There is no downtime. So if you’re out with colleagues for dinner, you’re still on. It’s constant stress even when you get on well. It’s a massively different dynamic. Home with a 5 month old is not stressful in the slightest. Your own home. Your own baby. You might have to do all night wakings but that’s ok. You’re not working next day. I do think you should have some baby free time when DH is home. But nothing wrong with him having downtime too. I really think you’re not understanding how shit being away for work is. I’m not saying you had it easy, babies can be tough going. I’ve had my days of that. But I’d rather have been you than him any day. Remove the competition and just understand you are both allowed to feel overwhelmed with your loads and take time to yourselves.

He could also say you're having a break from work.

Being at work isn't a break OP, same as looking after a child isn't a break.

@Badgerandfox227 it probably depends on your job. Teaching 5 lessons to teenagers & you get no break at all. Being home with my own was so much easier. I could go to the loo when I wanted to for starters.

I have also worked in industry & been to a conference & had no break at all. Almost no down time at all.

It sounds like he didn't want a baby, but men astonish me sometimes. Many of them simply DO NOT WANT A BABY, but they won't do anything themselves to prevent it. I do feel sorry, though, for those whose partners lied to them and secretly came off the pill. That's not acceptable behaviour.

Your husband ain't getting it. What's wrong with him

“I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.”

Siiiiiigh. Another man who wants a wife and kids but not to be a husband and partner.

A mental break, you clearly have never been to conferences... It sound like he needs to do more, but I have never understood why everything has to be a competition.

Gobsmacked at people defending this man. He just doesn’t get it at all. When a baby is young both partners should end up knackered otherwise you’re not sharing properly. He will survive at work. You just have to.

I agree going to work is a mental break for parenting.
I also think it's not something he'll appreciate until he's parented without you there. Set boundaries around this now cos it'll effect you long term.
Once a week, maybe a Saturday so he's not been at work and doesn't have work the next day, he does nightfeeds and you get a lie in either Saturday or Sunday and he gets the other.

You're a team and he hasn't experienced how hard parenting is because you're always there.
Also start going for a run however many times you'd like, 3 times a week or whatever.

I got into a cycle where I had to ask my DH to watch our baby so I could shower. This was including watching the monitor. He started sighing and huffing about it and it quite firmly said that if he didn't adjust his attitude he'd find himself silo parenting a lot more. Its unfair. Soon sorted himself out.

Hugs OP!

My husband travels for work, a week or so here and there. I'm green with envy at the solo travel, meals I didn't need to cook and unitterupted sleep.
Whilst I work too, it would never be assumed that I'd be able to do the same, he wouldn't cope.

I travel with work a lot, I have to leave my husband, who works full time, at home with our three children when I’m away. Yes, there are meals, drinks, and fancy hotels, but I still come home physically and mentally exhausted. Because of that, I truly understand the importance of having equal time to oneself. So you should both get some time.

Exactly!

In fact, it was the first time in about a decade I was able to pee when I needed to, able to make a drink when I wanted to, had time to actually eat lunch.

I went shopping, I saw friends rather than cancelling on them because I was stuck at work yet again.

With a sling or a pram, I could go anywhere. So what when baby cried, it's no different being out than at home!

I fucking hate selfish dicks like ur husband. Selfish fucks. Get rid of him, or
stop asking him get his TOLD he will be doing this or that in this or
that night. He’s not happy he can fk off have the baby all weekend and pay child support when he lives in his one bed flat.
he won’t ever notice how hard it is until u leave
him to get on with it. CF!

But having a baby does not mean you are confined to the house 24/7.

Ok so you have to care for baby, but there is opportunity for adult conversation, fresh air and activities that are outside your 4 walls. I massively benefited from libraries and baby groups when mine were small, there was even a lovely group where you could have toast and coffee in the company of other mums.

Having a baby does not mean you can't have conversation and a break from the house, you just take baby with you in a sling or a pram

I'm certainly not saying being with a baby all day is easy but its also not solitary confinement in the home.

Yeah I agree with you, I have a high paying job and being at work is easier than being with a baby 24/7. I can go to the loo when I want, get a coffee, chat with colleagues, totally different to caring for a baby.

Your DH needs to step up and compare with you, I’d nip this in the bud as soon as possible. There’s no reason why he can’t do a night feed one day a week.

You’re both wrong. Doing most things relentlessly for days at a time is exhausting. I would return from a 2 day conference with a social and luxury hotel stay completely exhausted because I don’t sleep well away from my family and find being switched on all the time really hard work.

having said that, my DH has always looked after me when I needed it - whether it was being at home alone all day with a baby (it was his turn willingly as soon as he got in from work) or more lately returning exhausted from work trips. I would also always want to catch up with my kids as a priority as soon as I return though rather than play competitive who needs a break more…

It is a break, a break from house, baby, worry etc there’s very little as hard as early baby stages for some (most) you can eat/go to the toilet/commute (radio book film) talk to a colleague and actually have input into something outside the 4 walls you are in. It doesn’t mean work can’t be hard, strenuous, tiring but it’s still a break