My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

Him going to work isnt a break. However, you need to stop thinking in terms of a "break" as that is causing resentment and opens the door to argument. So dont ask to go for a run and dont ask if he will get up during the night. Just tell him youre going out and dont say its because you need a break.
Also your bit about the baby getting used to him sounds concerning. The baby should be used to him anyway?
Finally a 5 month old is soon (hopefully) not going to need a night feed and will be sleeping through so that isnt really an issue, but youve made it one.
Overall you need to stop thinking in terms of a break and he needs to stop being a jerk.

Work is not harder than having a baby all day, they are both deserving of a good night sleep
The lack of bodily autonomy we have as mums when looking after young children all day is hard work, I have a toddler and newborn and not just being able to even tidy, shower, sleep etc when I want even though I’m in desperate need of all those things when I’m at home With both and no help that day

he’s being very unreasonable and I’d get him out of this way of thinking now before it gets worse when baby is a toddler

😂
it is and it isn’t. Sometimes it’s fine other times you might have to do it with health issues, zero sleep, crap immune system, no income. It’s quite the rollercoaster. I hope it’s as you describe when you’re up! Xo

Just coming back on here because of the “you can go out with a baby” comments.

Mine threw up, constantly, everywhere, all day long. It would go from fresh milk, through the curdled scale, to something that just smelt dreadful (just before she was due another feed and the cycle would start again) I had to keep her upright to try and minimise the sick so I wore her everywhere, but it didn’t stop the spit up so I constantly smelt of sick. I couldn’t go to baby classes because I couldn’t face the constant clean up. She once threw up onto the counter in the supermarket. The thought of going out, with all the cleaning up and changes of clothes this would entail, felt impossible most days. When DD suddenly stopped throwing up at 7 months (weaning) I will never forget that crystal clear dawning of thought: oh my god. I can go out now. We can go out now!

Some babies are easy. Some really really aren’t. Mine slept relatively well all things considered but I didn’t, because DD would turn her head to the side and throw up in her sleep! My DH, who did the night feeds and everything else, often said that going to his stressful job was a “break” - because it was. A break from waiting for vomit, cleaning up vomit, being trapped in the house and worrying about vomit…

Ye, I thought this. He said “all you need to do is ask”, but when you asked, he insisted he get another break of the same length straight afterwards.

OK he was away from work but he had plenty of time to himself whilst he was away.

Agree with the posts here. Just wanted to add that for me too, I love spending time with the baby and then just suddenly switch to being desperate for some alone time. After a couple of hours of alone time I'm then really excited to see the baby again. Imagine this is quite normal, a bit of a break just recharges your batteries and reminds you that you are an individual too, not just a mum

In your op he said if you want a break just ask. Ask him, ask him to discuss and agree a balanced idea of what breaks look like. A night out with friends, what the agreed plan is before during and after, for both responsibilities. Easily 2 nights a week you both get 2 hrs to do whatever you want in house, one watches baby, other can have a bath, listen to podcast, nap whatever no interruptions, but present again after 2 hrs. No travel, drink, changes to plans. It's a safe protected space and always something you can rely on. If that's a problem, you have a problem

He was not on a 'break' - stop telling him that, you're disrespecting his work. When I've attended work conferences you're basically on duty all evening, too, representing the company, as well as yourself.

This isn't your job, but it's a classic male / female dilemma - he goes to work earns money pay bills. She stays home does baby and house stuff. You're falling into the cliché.

Find better ways to frame it and stop fighting. You're co parenting.

I was a SAHM for years and never considered DH was going to work 'for a break'. I think he would have laughed in my face if I'd suggested that.

I could stay in my PJs all day if I fancied, watched Netflix while the baby napped on me/sat in her bouncer, and didn't miss a single milestone. And I got to have lots of fun once they were older and we could go to toddler classes or meet up with friends.

DH left the house at 6am to spend the day with people he didn't particularly like doing a physically tiring job and didn't get home until way after his children were in bed. He always said he would much rather be at home.

Neither of ours were particularly easy babies, but some of these comments making maternity leave sound harder than being in the WW2 trenches are daft.

I used to do lots and lots of conferences with my owkr. I never realised how exhausting it was until li had a full breakdwon that was psychotic and took everything form me and nearly killed me. becasue I enjoyed it a lot I didnt realise the toll it was taking on me

You aren't doing anything wrong?!
I wasn't being judgemental or saying the OP has it easy - a child is not easy. As a mother to a non-verbal autistic child, my one and only child, believe me I know only too well how difficult it is to be a full time parent. But I also know the flip side of being the one who has to work full time and how stressful that is too.
My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to stop waiting until everything is sorted/spoons picked up and cleaned, to eat. I was very much like that in early days. I get it. But get a safe, enclosed environment you can leave baby down. You need to be able to get things done, including looking after yourself and eating in 2 mins peace. Reading over this it sounds a bit harsh, I don't mean it that way

The opening paragraph of this post besides the Work Conference also mentions planned future drinks after work and a recent drink with his brother.

Hmmmm..How do you know what he is actually doing and where he is?

I think.his attitude towards you and your child is very poor and disrespectful and hurtful.

I have seen a lot of the manly, knuckle dragging revert to type behaviour from certain men. When woman have children. It can rear it's ugly head very quickly. Trainee Arsehole style.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

It was there all along but just hidden.

You are now officially a second class citizen. He will.always come first.

You are only there to serve and obey him.

He was born to be in charge and don't you forget it.

You have been warned.

Please don't hang around for years if things don't improve

Get rid sooner than later Hon.

Best Wishes
X

Get a grip?
For suggesting a man spend time with his baby?

Ok, what am I doing wrong?

My nine month old will still only nap while being held. (I've tried so many times! Most recent stint of trying has been interrupted by illness.) I have never, ever managed a nap while the baby napped.

Re meals - idk that eating one handed as quickly as possible while feeding the baby is particularly peaceful...mostly I'm getting up a million times to wash all the spoons she flings to the floor.

Not saying looking after a baby is the hardest thing in the world - obviously it isn't. But I do find it hard (harder than my job, where I've achieved a level of competence, know what's expected of me and don't have the world's most irrational boss screaming in my face half the time).

As pp have pointed out, babies are so variable...some of the babies I've gotten to know on mat leave are so unbelievably chill. You can plonk them down and they'll play happily with whatever you give them. I can totally see how looking after a cheerful, sleepy baby is easier than going to work (depending on the job). But for the babies who won't sleep and won't be plonked...

Can't you understand that people experience things differently?

Some people find looking after babies harder work than paid employment. Some people find paid employment harder work than looking after babies. Everyone's experience is valid.

I am really struggling with all these replies saying the work conference isn’t a break. It is most definitely a break from the 24/7 of looking after a new baby. If OP’s description is accurate all meals were provided, sleep was in a decent hotel bed with no interruptions or responsibilities.

But you get to eat a meal without a screaming child in front of your face. You get to go to the toilet without a baby screaming at you from the other room. You get to sleep all through the night for 3 consecutive nights? Those 3 things alone must add up to a “break”. Having adult conversation at least as well! So isolating being on maternity leave. Sometimes you may only see one other adult a day which is the dad! Then they go away for a 3 day conference! Or go to the pub after being in work all day! Maternity leave = lonely (only the baby for company)

He absolutely needs to step up, especially at night. But i think it is unfair to call work a break, personally I found being at home on mat leave easier than being at work, but my job is very high pressured. I agree that it is important you feel like you are a team and you have a chance to do something other than looking after your baby

Oh it depends on the baby ,how many other children you have , do you have a support network ? Any sort of help at all
Also for him it depends on what his work culture is like , is it a really busy conference in a demanding environment or a jolly .
Both of you need a break from whatever your daily routine is .
i did all night feeds with all my children and didn’t really get a break ( no support network or help at all ) but ..there were some easier chilled days as well as the difficult days .
And for husband he had easy work days too from time to time where they had a proper lunch and left the office to get coffees at nearby cafes .
Other days were full on working late with food brought in

I have a demanding job involving interacting with a lot of people and being sociable. As an introvert I find it really hard work, especially with trips away and socialising with colleagues or superiors during my evenings…

I also have a nearly 3 year old and a newborn…

Those “tedious” work trips feel like a bloody jolly to me these days!

Oh no, I have to eat a HOT meal that I’ve not had to plan or cook or clean up after. And I have to sleep alllllll night on my own in a big comfy bed without being woken up at least three times. And you mean I can also brush my teeth, take a shower or have a nice long, hot bath and even go to the toilet when I need to go? Yeah, however can I cope?!

Becoming a parent really lowered the bar on what I consider a break. Just the mental change of gear that work is, is a break; “a change is as good as a rest” as they say, and that’s sometimes the best you can hope for with young children.

The fact the bar hasn’t lowered for your husband says you are taking on far, far too much of the parenting responsibilities. You need to take a step back and get him picking up more when he’s home. “Primary carer” doesn’t automatically equate to “default parent” and at the end of the day your maternity leave will end and you’ll go back to work. If you don’t set the expectation now that even parents who work outside the home still pick up the slack when they are at home then you’re making a rod for your own back later on when he’ll still expect you to do everything you do now plus going out to work.

Nope. Just nope.

I agree that him going away for a work conference is not fully getting a break but he got to have his evenings free of any responsibilities apart from maybe having to socialize with colleagues. He still got to have meals and sleep uninterrupted which in the baby days is golden time!!

Maybe you can talk it out and work out a plan for you to have a break from the baby that you feel comfortable with and same for him.

He absolutely should be helping you with night feeds and letting you have a lie in at weekends though and hes very selfish if hes not doing that!!

You are both right (although not about night feeding he should be doing at least one for u to have a break, he gets a break the next night). Work, including conferences, is not fun or relaxing. It's not 'me' time. But on the flip side it's not watching a monitor all the time waiting for baby.
However, I'm assuming the baby naps and u do actually get a chance to sit down, given you only have the one, and you're in your own house, you do get to have a meal in peace too. BOTH of your jobs are valid and difficult. There's trials and upsides to both. And you both need downtime away from everything else. U should be able to go for a run most days he is there, don't only do it on days off. If u feel bad, pick baby's longest nap time to do it - if baby wakes up then he just has to deal with it.

He is selfish and needs to be dealt with accordingly, put your running gear on hand him the baby and say am going to a run see you in an hour baby is fed and settled see you in a bet and go for a run straight out the door it’s his baby too and he is obligated to take of him/ her , he will be angry when you get back but act as if you can’t even here him , go around beaming and saying god I needed this run I feel much better already .