My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

Work isn’t a break, it’s what keeps a roof over your heads. Being at a conference isn’t a laugh a minute if you feel you have to be “on” all the time. Having a baby isn’t easy but it isn’t his fault that you’ve chosen not to have any time away from DC in 5 months.

I've been on both position. When I was stressed with a non sleeping colicky baby, I would have given anything to go away to a conference for 3 days.

When I had to go to overnight conferences with work, I would have given anything to be home with my baby! The exhaustion of pretending I cared and enjoyed myself, fake socialising with people I didn't care about, staying up late talking with people who had had too much to drink when all I wanted eas to be in bed, getting up and starting all over again at breakfast!

Both situations, I couldn't wait fir a break!

Having done both I agree it’s not a break but it is a break from the baby. And as the expression goes ‘a change is as good as a rest’

the danger with maternity leave is that mum can get over invested in the baby and becomes default parent with dad being helper (I was guilty for sure!). You need to ensure your DH understands that he is an equal parent and once you are back at work there is no default parent

I think there are two elements here. Yes he should do the feed without question, and you are right to plan for your night out. However I don't agree about the work, if I'm reading it right he didn't say you shouldn't have a break but that he should have one too. No its not the same as being trapped inside with a baby but a work conference with all that socialising can be exhausting and a break equal to yours is a reasonable request. I think going down the comparison route is a double edged sword. There will be days when you are meeting friends for coffee or going for gentle walks while baby sleeps and he will be really stressed at work and you don't want him accusing you of being 'off all day'. Life is difficult for both of you. If he is sharing the load in the evenings with the baby then you should be splitting the time off.

When you both decided to have a baby how did you envisage time would be shared out? What did you talk about and agree on then?

Work isn't a 'break' 😂. And especially not a conference where you have to be 'on' all the time with colleagues.

I rather spend a week looking after kids by myself than 2 days at a conference. the constant organised “fun” is extremely tiring, much more than my (autistic, non sleeping silent reflux ) children could ever be!

But you did ask for a break and he immediately asked for one in return? How does that help you?

Neither were a break. They were both almost certainly hard work and draining in different ways. However, handily, in both cases - doing something different for both of you will be a break from what you were doing.

So for him thats home alone with the child. For you, that might be the supermarket shop all by yourself and a shower solo.

Expecting him to be able to read your mind on when you’re wanting time alone and when you’re wanting to be with your baby is setting things up for a falling out. As you say rapidly switching between the two is pretty common and it’s hard enough to work out when it’s you yourself. Let alone trying to guess where another person is at any point on that scale.

On the night feed front, one a week is likely to just be hassle every time it’s done. It won’t be often enough to be normal.

I disagree that going to work is a break. Ok, so its not being home with the baby but work is certainly not a break

I do agree with you that there needs to be a better labour division.

There is no reason at all that he can't do either a Friday or Saturday night and you also each take a turn of a weekend lie in.

Also, you both deserve time away from the baby/work to have "me time" to do with as you please. Definitely make time for yourself to go for a run/have a bath/read a book etc (if you aren't ready to leave baby yet) just as dh is going to his leaving do and the pub

I found it very difficult at this stage to not totally resent my DH having any kind of independent social life.

They don’t get it though, particularly if you are breastfeeding.

He's not getting it.

When I go away for work it's definitely not a break - you have to be 'on' all the time, even if you are in a social setting, it's not relaxing.

But you need time to yourself and you should be able to ask for this and be given it. I wouldn't compare your days to one another, just ask for some time alone/or to socialise with friends and he is equally entitled to ask for the same.

It's about recharging as a person, doing what you enjoy, less about what 'work' constitutes or doesn't. You both currently do different 'jobs', but you both need an outlet, whatever that looks like. I think it needs a different conversation which is framed in this way, otherwise it gets so tit for tat which is unhelpful.

PS. And he's being a dickhead about the night feeds.

It hasn't yet dawned on him that 'the baby' is not a solo project of yours and he is equally responsible.

His comments about the night feeds are laughable.

He's dick.

Yes, a conference or whatever is tiring, even if its also fun. But its not the same. And while he was at this conference you were on duty 24/7.