My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

When were these conferences? the last one i went ti that fit this description was about 15 years ago. Things have quite dramatically changed since, and its 18 hour intense work days with crap sleep now….

Sorry OP, I’ve got 3 very young DC (including a baby and toddler) and I work full-time. Work is definitely not a ‘break’. My days at home with the DC are far easier and more enjoyable than working. Sure, at work I can have a hot coffee for 15 mins in peace, but the demands of an employer/clients/expectations are very stressful.

I recently had to travel to the USA for a work conference, which was exhausting. I’d feel really disrespected if DH implied that I was taking a ‘break’ when I got home, because he had been holding down the fort with the DC at home.

Is there a way you could get more help at home so that you don’t feel so overwhelmed with your DC? When DH travels, I pay for a babysitter for a few hours the weekend so that I can go to the gym or have a coffee. Could you do something like that?

You need to factor in equal time to each have a break where you are at leisure to choose what you want to do - run, see friends, read a book, whatever - not related to work or childcare.

Yes, he was at work while at the conference, but you were ALSO at work at home, looking after the baby. He got to go to bed alone, sleep all night, wake up in his own time, shower and eat without one eye on another human and without being disturbed. Why should you not have the same courtesy?

I remember once complaining to my XH that I couldn't even go to the toilet without being followed and having one or other of the toddlers come in with me. He said 'oh, my lot at work are so inept that they might as well be coming to the toilet with me!' And he genuinely believed it was the same.

I've been to international conferences that were basically just jollies, apart from the ones where I had to deliver a session.

Staying in nice hotels with all food provided was much more relaxing than when I was looking after a baby all day and feeding during the night.

OP's DH sounds like a twat who thinks that caring for his child is just women's work. I can't believe that he doesn't ever get up in the night with the baby, even at weekends.

Evenings at a conference are everything but a break. That’s when the proper hard work starts. Conference tend to be consecutive 18 hour working days with crap sleep in between. He needs a break as much as you do!

I don't think work and conference can be considered a break. Yes, it is a break from the baby but if my partner refered to my workday as a break, I would not be impressed.

That being said, i don't think it matters. He should do a few nights feelings without complained and both if you should get a break without it becoming a 'thing'

You both need alone time. Work is not a break. Work trips can be exhausting as you have to be ‘on’ all the time, even during the socialising bit.

Nailed it.

I travel occasionally for work and I look forward to it because of the hotel, lovely sleep, uninterrupted meals. It’s absolutely a break and I love it.

I’ve recently returned from a conference - 4 days away. My days started with meetings at 8am each day and continued with back to back meetings till around 6pm when I had half an hour to get changed for the evening drinks and dinner events, which went on till 11pm or later. It was intense being “on” all day. Yes, a couple of the evening events were nice, but I was not with friends, I was selling my firm’s services and working. When I got back to the hotel room after dinner, I had to catch up on my usual day’s work. I returned exhausted.

I have also been a SAHM so I know that’s no picnic either. But it is just wrong to say that your partner attending a work conference is “a break”, because it isn’t. More importantly, this type of argument is very toxic because it breeds resentment and competitive “who’s more hard done by” games.

I’d suggest leaving it until you’re getting on ok, and then having an honest conversation about what you find hard about being a SAHM (eg no time to yourself ever) and how you can build in some space for you to exercise/lie in bed scrolling your phone or reading/whatever else would give you a breather and some downtime. It is hard, I know.

I’m divorced after my wife had an affair and left me for OW. She (my ex) would say that it was because I was so annoyed all the time. I was, because I did absolutely everything (I also worked and wasn’t a SAHM at that time), while all she had to do was work. Don’t end up like me.

I get what you’re saying OP. I used to resent DH because he had a 15 minute drive to work all by himself, when I had no time at all.

I hope you can find a way to get some me-time

People saying a work conference isn't a break are missing the point. Yes he might have been socialising but he still got to go back to his hotel room, shower in peace, sleep through the night. He got to get ready in peace and quiet in the morning without any other responsibilities, pop to the hotel gym, etc. He might only have had a couple of hours each day to do as he liked but it was three days where, outside of his work tasks, he didn't need to think about the baby's welfare once - a mental break if nothing else.

OP I'd be very fucking sick of him if I were you.

It all comes down to personal differences. For me, mat leave was the ultimate "break", and I always found wrangling a baby easier than being at work. I know that for others, it's a different experience.

It isn't a competition about who has the toughest gig. You both deserve a break when you need it.

Parenting is a long haul. You need to work together to survive!

It really depends on the baby though

I find work easier because you are in control and don’t always have to be ‘on’

its different. He’s just got back from 3 days away so it’s kind of odd that he wants to have a break from you and baby - you’re not his work!!

It’s one baby, yes?

You both deserve time on your own but work is not a break!

It doesn't matter whether work is a break or your maternity leave is break. YOU NEED A BREAK! That's the most important thing here and all of us who needed a break - really need a break - it's not a jolly, it's not a skive, it's a sanity saver and without it your head might start to break.
Try having a conversation at a less emotionally heightened time - when you are both open and receptive, he doesn't get it - but why would he? You need to try and make him see how you feel.

I was with him until the night feeding bit. Did that conversation follow on from your earlier argument?

On your ‘he’s had his break’, I you are being unreasonable. You asked him for some time alone to recover from the baby. Totally reasonable. He said yes. He asks you for the same thing to recover from his work trip. You say no. Unreasonable. The fact that a baby is tiring doesn’t mean that a work trip isn’t, especially one with no free evening time.

Being at work wasn’t a break but his evenings were so no he shouldn’t think that you going for a run gives him time in lieu.

id be disappointed in him (as I was in my husband when he behaved in a similar manner)
you need to sit and talk . Are you planning to go back to work? If he doesn’t put the effort in now how will he manage when he has to go solo. He needs to be building a bond with his child. Otherwise you will always be the default parent

Work isn’t a break and conferences certainly aren’t. I know the social events in the evening make it seem like it’s a laugh but trust me, it isn’t. Particularly draining if you’re an introvert, and if you’re convening or presenting at the conference too.

That said, I agree that he didn’t really need time away from you and the baby when he returned having been away for three days from you both. Doesn’t even make sense.

I suggest buying a running buggy btw, means you’re not restricted by his work hours.

It's difficult, because who has it hardest when you're a SAHM or on ML and your partner is at work ft depends so much on the job, the age and nature of the child(ren) and your perspective. It certainly sounds like he was having a fun time, but from his pov it might sound like days at home with the baby are pretty nice too. I found being at home with a baby or toddler way easier than being at work, and way easier than dh's job (same sector as me). But our jobs didn't involve pub quizzes and hotel stays.

I don't think going to work is a break. However having 3 nights in a hotel with every evening to yourself and no baby to look after is a break so YANBU to want him to step up now.

The conference may not have been a break, but uninterrupted sleep, showers, and meals definitely were.

Unless you're exclusively breastfeeding, he should be sharing night feeds anyway. You're not at work which means the baby is your responsibility during working hours... anything outside of that is just as much his responsibility as yours.

I will admit I find going away with work tiring, even if it sounds nice. But looking after a baby is tiring too.

I do think it was a bit unreasonable to say that he couldn’t have some time to himself after your run, but I don’t see how he could possibly object to doing one night of feeds a week (I assume Fri or Sat).

We had a rule when my kids were little- each parent got one lie in a week (that was usually until about 8- then the other parent went back to bed) and, on holiday, we each got some time to ourselves (like an afternoon or evening). It was a lifesaver.

How would you feel if he said you being on maternity leave is a "break"?

He needs to help raise his own child. What’s the plan for you and work after the end of maternity leave? He should get some practice with night wakings tho! May be give him a book on raising children for Christmas!