My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

You aren’t unreasonable about the conference.
i used to travel with work a lot and my favourite bit was when I got back from tea with colleagues. I’d have a glass of wine and relax. An uninterrupted nights sleep is worth its weight in gold

This is the most absurd comment. So you had an easy baby. Some of them scream non stop for hours, and wake up 5-6 times a night, and spit up relentlessly, etc etc etc. I have worked 16 hour days in consulting and had to start work at 6am and traveled and all sorts… but nothing was harder than my baby with tummy troubles who cried almost non stop (even when being held and bounced), for months on end.

So what is he going to do when you go back to work and the night wakes cause a ‘knock on effect’ for your sleep?

Coz guess what? contrary to popular belief babies don’t magically start sleeping through at 6/12 months!
my first didn’t sleep through til she was 3 and a half and my second is still waking at least twice a night at 2!!

YANBU.

But to be honest, I'd rather be home with the baby than at a 3 day work conference. That sounds exhausting.

Both things are work and you both need a break.

yeh he’s taking the piss! it’s ingrained misogyny to think that paid work is more intense than baby rearing which it, historically, has convenienced men to pretend that this is easier, lesser value labour.

A conference is a break from the daily grind. What's this constantly on when away with colleagues? Are they not just having dinner and a drink in the bar after the actual work? Sleeping and showering without having to be on for a baby.
Ops dh is being a selfish twat.
My dh used to work away and tried to tell me how hard it was until he forgot and showed me the pictures of him and his mate in the swimming pool at the hotel. Yes the actual working was hard but they had plenty of leisure time paid for.

Nice! Finance are living ip to their reputation, good for you!
my last conference (i’m in R&D, management level)
taxi collected at 4:00 am, to airport
landed at 9am local time, directly to conference venue. Did some meetings and email in the airport.
Conference until lunch, used lunch hour to answer emails and had a sandwich.
Back to conference, gave talk, sat on panel.
Checked in hotel, another round of email.
Dinner with suppliers, in bed by midnight.
Got up at 5 the next morning for early morning meetings (we work a lot with China) and emails.
15 min breakfast, back to conference, chaired a session (introductions , questions etc.)
More emails at lunch, more conference , more emails, another dinner with suppliers. In room around 11pm, writing up notes. in bed at midnight.
next day same as previous, but taxi to airport around 5pm, landed in uk at 10pm. taxi home.
Not a break. Really not.

I didn't work full time when DS1 was a baby - 4 days a week. For me work was definitely a break. So much easier than having my baby attached most of the time - and I wasn't even breastfeeding. However much you love them, babies are exhausting.

So I'd say days at a conference was definitely a break.

Well the conference is both really hard work (possibly), and also a break from what you're dealing with at home.

But notwithstanding that, your husband is being awful. He should be encouraging you to get a break and he should be doing a few night feeds too, he'll survive waking up once a night and still working! And yeah he needs to be able to look after his child without you, ultimately.

Well isn’t he delightful. This is why I recommend shared parental leave. Everyone I know who has done it (us included), thinks it’s been invaluable. You both get to experience being with the baby whilst the other is at work, you both get to be in total charge of the child (pack a bag, make all the food, play with all the toys). You both get to experience that whilst you’re at home and love the baby so much, you just want a little time for yourself. And you both get to experience going to work with minima sleep and wanting to stay at home snuggled in front of the tv with a sleeping child (you only remember the nice bits when you go back to work!!).

This.

You've got ONE baby. And under 6 months, so not mobile yet. And yet you struggled to cope on your own for 3 days?😲😲😲. How on earth are you going to cope with an active toddler? Or God forbid a toddler and a baby?

The 5 months I had at home with my newborn baby (maternity leave was shorter in those days and I was the primary breadwinner anyway) was one of the nicest and most relaxing periods of my life. An absolute doddle compared to attending a 3 day conference.

It’s equally his baby too and you know he is being dreadful. He should be parenting outside of working and not keeping tally of when you have a break and then saying he needs one.

Was he like this before?

He needs to work with you, not against you. He must realise that a weekend 24/7 with the baby means you could do with a little time to be you.

Hopefully you can both sit and explain rather than it being a peeing competition of who had what. It's his child too and he does need to realise that the feelings of needing a break are also the same feelings you have.

It's quite understandable that you need a break and he should give you one. But work is not a break, being away with work doubly so, and work social events aren't really a break either.

The last one was 2019. I've retired now so I don't know whether things have changed.

I get on great with my colleagues and my annual one night away conference is a lovely break and I get to spend it with people who’s company I enjoy and it’s not 18 hour days!!!

the way people talk about work on this thread makes me think of the mental load threads where everything the sahm does is listed to the nth degree and the husbands list is ‘work’. It’s kind of the opposite of that!

every family situation is different but the competitiveness about who has it harder is really unhealthy

A full nights sleep in a hotel bed is something I'd probably have killed for when dc were 5 months old.
The day part was work, the evening much less so, and the night was definitely a break!

Because in my eyes doing those things with colleagues is sodding hard work and not my idea of fun. It’s more ‘work’ than the 9-5 bit of the working day.

And that bar is set at mixing up the essential activities level as it seems at the moment that that’s all they’ve got capacity for.

Once theyre covered then the leisure type stuff comes in on both sides.

Why does he get to go the the pub and stay at hotels, but for her, a "break" is having a shower (basic personal hygiene) or go the the supermarket alone. (Which benefits the whole family and isn't a pleasure activity).
Did you dig a trench for the bar you set?

You must have shit colleagues.

I work in a high pressured job and also have a baby. Work is def a break! And my lovely husband agrees.

This. ☝️

Just another bloke who fails to step up to his responsibilities and whose life doesn't change.

I literally run conferences multiple times a year and they're not 18 hour days with no sleep for me, never mind the attendees. Maybe it varies by industry (I'm in finance) but I've never, even at my most dogsbody junior, attended or run a conference where we did anything like an 18 hour day. Maybe 7am - 11pm if we went for client drinks after, but that was a one-off as an event organiser and certainly not as an attendee.

When he's home from work he needs to be a partner and a parent. He should be doing his share of parenting, cleaning, cooking and night feeds, after all its his home and his child as well. The only reason to not do nights is if he's a surgeon, pilot ect. Even then no reason at all that he can't do it on evenings that hes not working the next day. He's a lazy fucker who thinks being on maternity leave means your his skinny and he doesnt have to do anything.

The people saying work is harder and being with the kids is a break

OPs DH clearly doesn’t see it that way as he needs a break after the conference without the wife and kid!