My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

He is being a massive dickhead

I often go in conferences with evening events planned. When my kids were younger it was absolute BLISS. There was at least a couple of hours of downtime before evening events. They were also normally fun and social and if I wanted to, I could opt out early

Bed to myself ✅
Shower/bath for as long as I want ✅
Full nights sleep ✅
Food prepared for me ✅
Watch whatever I want on tv ✅
Room service for breakfast ✅

Yes, being ‘on’ during the day can be tiring but with a pub quiz, drinks, nights out with his brother etc it sounds like he’s got a lot of downtime

I am VERY judgy about his comment of not wanting to do a single night feed on his own. I’m sorry but when I was in maternity my DH did Friday and Saturday nights and gave me a lie so I could catch up on sleep. That way the kids also didn’t mind him stepping in if I was out.

Dont accept this OP

I’m an involved parent - but parenting is not intense 18-19 hour work days without breaks. even with 2 reflux kids, one with Adhd, one with ASD.
i’ve put a summary of a conference workload in this thread - it is beyond intense.

Thing is, not everyone is built the same as you. We also don't know how the baby was, I should imagine a peaceful baby a lot easier.

Going to disagree with others here. The work conference is somewhat a break, especially from a parenting perspective, he can have down time, undisrupted meals, peacefully go to the toilet, shower and go to sleep when he wants and not be woken and there is an actual start and finish to his work day.

My partner used to go away for work for up to a week and by the time he got back I was itching to be able to briefly switch off. The OP is literally asking for the bare minimum and he should definitely be able to do a night feed now and then.

Just asked dh which would be more stressful 3 days with a five month old and 3 days at a conference - he said the baby - obviously the baby. We had twins - but he still thinks a single baby would be harder.

Dh did work away from home and I was left with twins, my head broke at the 6 month stage - I needed a break, we had to put the babies into nursery because I was losing myself. I was lucky because when I told dh I was feeling the strain he listened, he didn't try to compete and we found a solution.

You need a break - if you don't get one it will only get worse.

Oh absolutely, mat leave with my youngest on my.eldests nursery days were a beautifully restful experience. Some babies are just less hard work. I will say my eldest was extremely fun even though he was hard work. The kids loves as hard as he mischiefs

I agree it really does depend on the baby. When my second DC was 6 months my DH went to New York for the week for work and I had a lovely week, I had one DC at school, one baby who had a good routine and slept 12 hours a night and just kids’s tea to sort out in the evening. One day I drive to Brighton and I had a walk, shop and Pizza Hut lunch with my baby while my eldest was at school. It was a super relaxing week.

I’m so sorry OP but he’s being a dick. My DH was up in the night doing night feeds as well as working because 1) DD is his baby too and 2) he’s not handling the nuclear codes or doing brain surgery, he can be tired in front of his laptop an office just as millions of mums are tired in offices across the country when they go back to work. What would he do if, god forbid, you got sick? I got diagnosed with cancer when my DD was 4 months old, went through various surgeries and chemo and had my DH been a completely equal parent from day 1 I don’t know what I’d have done as we have no family nearby. Perhaps you should ask him what he’d do in that scenario.

(And yes - work is a “break”. DD is 3 now and has been off nursery this week with conjunctivitis. I went into the office for a break i.e some personal space, ability to hear myself think, drink a hot cup of coffee and eat food in peace 😂 )

Easiest way for him to get it is to go out for more then 2 hours, I suggest 4 minimum (if bf take a breast pump with you).

Overnights depends on if bf or bottle fed. Also perfectly capable of doing overnights when not at work. Even working days can split the evening so he does til 1am you do 1-5am etc.

Parenting is about being a team which also means tag teaming it!
My DH didn't fully get what I meant when I said to him work was a break......til we swapped on shared parental leave then I chuckled away when he said jeez how did you do anything I can barely leave the house! DS1 was 10 months so pretty easy by this point!

I have children and a stressful healthcare job and work is hands down easier.

That said how do you get 5 months in op and have it be the first time you've been alone with your baby with no support? That happened for me immediately when my husband returned to work. The 24/7 relentless nature of babies is exhausting (although baby dependant. My easy baby was less relentless by far than my high needs baby) but if you have constant support it's not really 24/7 relentlessness at all is it?

But being at a 3 day conference and having drinks isn't like having 3 days away with your mates, it just isn't. I have 3 children and I also have a job where I go away for conferences, yes mat leave is tiring but you get to sit on the sofa all day and have nothing else you have to do or think about. When I've been away on a 3 day conference I'm shattered, even if I have been for drinks, they are drinks where I'm sat with people from work "on" having work chat. I did all feeds on mat leave (I breastfed so my husband couldnt anyway) he had a job where he commuted on the motorway at the time, even if I wasn't breastfeeding he wasn't going to be getting up in the night when he has work and all I had on was homes under the hammer at 10am. My family is complete now, it's actually far more tiring working ft with 3 kids in school than when I was on mat leave snoozing the day away. I won't have anymore, but a year off does sound nice!

Really? Are you the mum? Or are you just literally keeping them alive? Because I'd spend a week at a conference and consider it the equivalent of a luxury cruise compared to 24/7 parenting of my also autistic, reflux and non sleeping children.

A supermarket shop or a shower a break? Are you fucking joking? A chore or basic hygiene? That's no where near 'me time'.

The definition of a break has changed for you but not for him. For you it now means relief from the constant alert mode of worrying that at any moment the baby’s needs may supersede your own. It is being able to focus on one thing without constantly worrying about getting interrupted.

This Is a common problem. Think about if the two of you are in the room with the baby. One of you wants to go take a long shower. Which one is going to ask the other parent to be on point and which one is just going to announce they are going to shower or even just walk right out of the room?

I'm wondering what OP was doing every evening from 8pm onwards? No baby doesn't sleep for a 48 hour period. I'm sure OP had possibly more quiet moments albeit stuck at home, than DH had at a work conference with evening socialising.

@MrsJeanLuc it's entirely subjective though. Mat leave with my eldest extremely difficult baby was hellish, I still shudder when I think back. The same period with twins a few years later was much more chill.

Likewise a persons tolerance for work socialising is entirely subjective too. It never bothered me too much as I love meeting new people but i get tired afterwards. However some people find it all extremely difficult stressful and exhausting.

You both are equally busy.

When I was a nurse in a super busy hospital and a single parent I definitely felt work was a break.
It was a day talking sense to other adults. Nobody tells you how boring small children are.
I could have a half hour lunch break in peace without DS screaming through all my meals.
My days off were much more exhausting.
Your husband needs to step up. He is 50% responsible for your baby he's not an onlooker.

This.

I travel extensively for work, and at no point have I ever felt it was a “break”. I always feel like I need a little decompression time afterwards, after draining my social battery.

How much parenting does he do?

Honestly amazes me how so many people are oblivious to their husbands being twats til they have kids

Have you ever been to a conference?

often at conferences you’re networking, talking about work etc with new contacts. It’s not all fun

Going on a conference isn’t the same as going away for fun though. It’s not a ‘break’

He should be able to do night feeds whilst working full-time, he is being a dick.

But also, going away with work can be a major pain and very tiring so you were wrong to moan about him suggesting he could have a 2 hour rest after you.

Have you not learnt to sleep when baby sleeps yet?
Do you not both do things for the baby?