Help me be nicer to my Husband!!

I agree with the poster who said you're doing too much. You're doing two jobs - looking after a 2 year old and then working in nap time and evening. That sounds miserable and unsustainable.

I think you should either -

• put the 2 year old in nursery more. It doesn't have to be full time. They're old enough now theyll get something out of it, it's not like they're 9 months old and doing 8-6 5 days a week
• if you're the main breadwinner, your husband drops some hours at work and looks after the toddler so you can work and then enjoy some down time

Exercise changed my life in terms of reducing anger / irritability. I non-negotiably lift weights twice a week for an hour each session and the correlation between reduction in arguments is huge.

DP supports this, we agree that the cost of my gym is a very much warranted expense because it essentially buys harmony at home. It takes all my irritations away.

Also we have a loose rule where we never discuss anything "serious" in the evenings when we are tired (e.g. money issues / important plans etc). Rather we have a phone call about admin in the mornings when we've both slept and are in a good mood. Evenings are for unwinding.

But whatever you're doing isn't working for you at the moment, if you feel burnt out and irritable. You seem to have no down time, no time to be alone, to exercise, zone out, pursue your own passions. I mean, no wonder you're not the easiest to be around. Prioritise yourself. Get some childcare.

That’s the problem you have no down time. You need some time to exercise, see friends, hobby or just stare at the wall in silence.

Sounds kind you are doing a lot and could use a break.
You have a small child all day, work during naps and evenings, presumably do a share of household work too. Possibly some unconscious resentment that dh gets more free time or is out of the house during work days (no judgement, I felt that when I was on mat leave and had a non-sleeper baby).

also, often we take our emotions out on the person closest to us. I know for me it’s my dh, I get annoyed by everything he does if I’m feeling stressed or burned out (even his breathing makes me see red!)

Absolutely this. You are bickering because you are shattered, and also because I’m guessing if you work most evenings you don’t have any time to just sit and chat with your DH over a cup of tea or glass of wine once the kids are in bed. You probably feel you are being an amazing super women getting it all done and in one sense you absolutely are, but it’s very easy to neglect a marriage and distance then grows.

I agree with PP that I’d put your child in nursery for a bit longer and try to cut down on the evening working, and use that time to just have some chill out time with your DH, and for yourself, to recharge and re set your sense of humour and remind yourselves why you chose to spend a life with each other in the first place. That’s not an indulgence away from your hard working life as a working mum, it’s an absolutely crucial investment in your marriage and therefore in your long term happiness.

Every night/day/whatever regular committed time you choose write down three things you like/love/appreciate about your husband. (This works for me).

And drop your standards - it's his home too. Why does everything have to be done to your standards? (This works for DH - his standards are ridiculously high).

And finally, remember how horrible having bickering parents was for you as a kid, and bite your tongue for their sake. (Me - I just wished they'd split up so I could have some peace and calm)

You can help it, you’re making a choice to be horrible to him. So make a choice to stop. Write a list of his good qualities, what he adds to your life and your children’s lives. Remember why you married him and had children with him.

Unbelievably harsh and uncalled for!

I think you need a holiday, even if it's just a weekend away.

Sure, but you're burning yourself out by looking after a two year old all day and then working in the evening. When do you get rest/downtime?

…husband works full time (not an amazing job but fine!)

Thats nice. So you resent your DH for not being successful like you by oh I don’t know not having his own company like you do and you manifest it by constantly being an arse to him. Basically your problem is you think you are better than him.

I think the obvious answer here is that you're trying to WFH and look after a two year old at the same time - unless I've read it wrong. Put the 2yo in nursery and a lot of this will feel easier.