Help me be nicer to my Husband!!

Not sure, it might be the root of the problem.

she does say that nothing he ever does is good enough.

it does sound like she resents him.

OP, I agree put the kids in nursery and have more of a work/life balance. Work during the day when they are nursery and spend time with your husband in the evening instead of working.

i think you need to make your mind up if you actually love him and can be nice to him, or if you think you can do better as nothing he ever does is good enough.

What do you mean by being the breadwinner when he earns decent money? Do you mean you pay all the bills?

Please just use some childcare. When your other children were that little, you didn't have 3 of them. Stop trying to spread yourself so thin. Doesn't have to be nursery - childminder, babysitter whilst you wfh?

It’s hard, but it’s really worth the effort.

Would one of your three staff take on some of your responsibility for the next 12 months to lighten your load?

OP I can relate to this so much. When I’m feeling stressed about work or get sensory overload from the kids, I deflect it on to my husband. I think as well if you are someone who tries not to shout at the children this happens even more, displaced anger I think it’s called. ai think the root will be your overwhelm, so try to tackle this first. The try to carve out time to invest in your relationship, ask about each others day or have a laugh. Seeing old friends in a group situation can also help with remembering who you once were as a couple pre kids! good luck, you can sort this!

Well, maybe he should drop a night and you get a babysitter and actually talk to one another?

You have some weird, entrenched ideas about childcare, as though it's some kind of necessary evil. DS was in FT childcare from the moment I went back after maternity leave, but I don't think it was any worse for him than it would have been having an exhausted, strung out mother who was perennially irritated by his father.

Sending unMumsnetty hugs.

It’s really hard. I remember being in the trenches with small kids and a full time job.

But I’m now at an age where I’m seeing friends’ marriages break down after their kids leave home because they didn't prioritise each other.

My DH and I are still best friends, but we’ve worked really hard on it. Think of it as an investment for the future

It doesn’t matter it’s too much. And that’s why you are burnt out. Working and looking after a child is hard work. Looking after a toddler is hard work.

and any down time is filled with more work. Of course you’re burnt out. Something has to give. Even if it’s just one or two days of childcare so you can focus and get some actual down time.

do you ever get time alone that isn’t sleep or chores. You don’t even get the quiet of a commute. You home is your work place and your parenting place.
It’s not sustainable, make a change

schedule in some time for yourself weekly, no contact. Go to a class or a massage or walk. Something where there is little to no stimulation.

you need to spend time where you are not “doing” or using your executive function

I absolutely feel this in my soul 😅

but when you do go out, it is worth it. You could just go to the cinema in jeans and a hoodie and share some ice cream.

just because your two eldest children were at home til 3 it doesn’t mean your third child must have the same - going to a nursery, childminder or nanny isn’t a punishment. Esp at 2 it is a great chance to learn from other kids and pick up social skills.

You CAN help it, that’s the point. It’s difficult but it’s not impossible.

What do we teach our kids about behaving well even when they don’t feel like it?

Is your marriage worth the effort? I bet it is.

Babysitting - what about swapping babysitting with a friend who has kids? She comes round to watch yours one night and you watch hers another. Or think whether your friends, neighbours or staff have any spare teenage girls around who might be up for it. They don’t have to be strangers.

I love the PP comment about resetting sense of humour! It’s really important.

I listened to most of the audiobook of “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read” and it really made me aware of how much the things that make us ragey and snappish are down to what we’ve imbibed as kids. Now when I want to custard pie my husband in the face I think hang on - why does this one thing get to me so much? Is it because this issue (eg laundry) was a huge bone of contention with my parents? Or has he actually done something wrong?

Also do yourself a well-being check - have you eaten something, drunk some water, been outside, spoken to other adults? If no to any of these you’re probably just feeling shit and it’s not as bad as it seems.

This will sound silly, but you just need to decide to stop bickering.

It’s habit forming and it spirals. You snap at him, he snaps at you, you either fight or ignore each other and everyone ends up feeling miserable.

Have a conversation with your DH. Say you are feeling burnt out and want to start prioritising your relationship as husband and wife not just as co parents.

You (both) need to make a deliberate choice to speak nicely to each other (even when you are tired/annoyed/grumpy).

However my observation is, that when even jist one of us makes an effort to be actively nice to the other one, the other person moves to do the same.

Remember as well, you and your DH are modelling to your children what’s “acceptable” behaviour in relationships. What you teach them will impact their future relationships.