Parents bought sister a house

Unless you are the Middletons and you could be forgiven to assume that Kate didn't need help with her mortgage and living arrangements, and offering to help the other siblings (not that they've done too badly either) 😂

What kind of parent would wait for the kids to ask after they gift a house to one? Do a supermarket shop for one who's struggling and forget to ask the other one if they need help with groceries, fine.

As soon as it reach a few thousands, or even less, of course you treat them equally.

You and your older sister need to sit down with parents and say you are both distressed & bewildered by this preferential treatment, explain that you both feel it sends a very strong message about your roles & value in the family, & ask if they have plans to achieve equal treatment in some way.

Also explain the difficulties & challenges you and your sister are facing, & make it clear that you are describing those as you don’t understand why these challenges are being treated as so much less important than any challenges faced by younger sister. Explain that you think different treatment of siblings is distressing and makes it very difficult to maintain good family relationships- because it really does.

You don’t mention your parents’ ages - but trying to account for this in their Wills would still give very preferential treatment, as your sister will have had the benefit of this while her family are young, whereas you could be waiting decades.

My parents did similar but made it very clear and o everyone that they were adjusting my dsis's portion of the will to take this into account so no misunderstandings. They didn't have to though. It's their money to spend how they see fit.

Oh fgs just have the conversation with them you and your sister. They've been very unfair, so tell them @MikeL1993

I think it’s really hard to ask your parents for money - it would never occur to me to think I had a right to, or think it was about ‘having the balls to ask’. To my mind, any gifts are at parents’ initiative only.

Having a conversation about being treated differently, however, is totally the right thing to do, I think. Sounds very hard though if they aren’t already realising how hurtful it is not to treat their children in a similar way.

I don’t really understand the ‘Well you didn’t ask’ argument. I think it’s up to the parents to make it clear to OP and her older sister that they have set aside the same amount of money for them (or haven’t but have made different arrangements for them in their will). I can’t conceive of giving one of my children this amount of money without doing the same for the other. And if I couldn’t do the same for the other (which I couldn’t!!) I wouldn’t do it for the first child either. It is so obvious that giving one child out of three a huge sum of money with no explanation of whether the other two will be treated the same is going to cause resentment. Yes of course it’s the parents’ money to use as they wish but at best it’s unwise to treat your children so differently.

We’ve been very fortunate that both mine and DH’s parents have the attitude that things have to be fair. They keep records of who has had what so far (they are generous with their gifts and loans) to make sure that everyone is treated equally. I try to do the same with our adult DC. DD and DSIL are looking to buy their first house atm and DH and I have already discussed what we can offer them to help with the deposit (they have no idea of this) but we will also make sure that DS and DDIL are asked if they would like the same amount now or if they’d rather wait and have it later. Anything else seems crazy to me!

By turning the loan into a gift they have, presuming you 3 are the beneficiaries of their wills, done you all a favour by releasing 500k from their large estate. Assuming they live for 7 years since the loan was forgiven so no IHT becomes due.

Ask them if they have made mention of this in their will or some other legal document so it is noted that your sister has had 500k early. And ask them if they could help you as they have helped her. Emptying their estate now if they are cash rich, or can comfortably liquidate assets, is the best thing they can do for all of you whilst they are still alive and kicking and hopefully live for another 7 years. It’s not being greedy, it’s being clever and minimising 40% IHT due when they die. Hopefully they have set up a trust in their will which comes into force when the first one dies.

But at the end of the day it’s up to them who they leave their money to or dispersals they make now.

I can completely understand why you are annoyed OP. It’s plain unfair. Your parents are not going admit this. My sister was constantly given money which she asked for. Some was hidden from me because’I would get jealous’ which was an easier way to phrase ‘ would find it unfair and unreasonable’.
There may be a reason, I actually called my parents out on it and asked’Is it because my sister is irresponsible with money and you think she won’t see you again if you refuse ?’

I think you have the choice to accept this or acknowledge the unfairness tell them and then move on. It’s very upsetting.

I'm confused. Have your parents actually gifted £500k or is that just how much the house is worth? The size of gift has implications for how big of a deal this is.

Of course. Communication is key in every single relationship.

Not unreasonable to feel miffed. You can either just live with the resentment or ask your parents for a similar gift. I don't think you have to feel bad about doing that.

I think it could be fine to help one child more than another, if the child really needed that. But then you also make that really clear to your other child, keep all communication honest, and make sure both children feel equally loved. Not feeling equally loved is what this whole situation is really about.

Well, then I would communicate. So many relationships fall over due to poor communication.

I think you can ask if that gift will be reflected in any inheritance that is left to you all. You might not have felt that you were brought up to ask for help, but they've shown that they will if asked so you've got nothing to lose but afk for money, and then point out the disparity.

And that's obviously fair enough. For me, I don't need to be treated 'equally' with my sister, as our needs are not equal.

First world problem final boss

But all joking aside, if you don't ask, you don't get.

Presumably you take pride in working hard and want to show your kids that you have to work for what you get bla bla bla

Well not everyone's like that and some people can enjoy a handout just as much as something they worked for. You should pity your sister surely? She won't enjoy the home as you enjoy yours, that you worked for.

Id be pissed off too. My brother (middle child) was always "oh woe me" and a bit lazy abd made sine very poor choices in life crime). My parents got a windfall and gave us each 30k, but asked if we minded if brother had their old hoyse instead (a better deal), we were all fine with it. Came to pass, rest of us were just fine, but poor brother got a house built from father's money (and lied many times about it to us) then got all the inheritance ... because we were fine, had good jobs, because we'd grafted. Truly peed me off, the lies particularly, told to manipulate things to his own ends. Never spoken to him since and never will ... disgraceful and pathetic behaviour

This is important - did they OFFER to help your younger sister or did she ask? It sounds like the latter.
You could ask too next time you'd like financial help. If they refuse you could say (once, and calmly) that you feel hurt your sister has been given so much and you nothing. But give them the chance to refuse first - they may be able and happy to make a generous gift.

To be honest I cant imagine my parents giving me a loan. They would give me money but never expect it back especially if it's money that isjt immediately to hand as in your sister's case as the buyers have pulled out.

Op on the face of it it looks very unfair but is it possible that your parents are just a bit thoughtless? Whenever your sister asks they give but you don't know that they wouldn't do the same for you. Can you just ask them? I mean even if you dont want to ask for money could you just ask them if they would do the same for you if you did ask?

Same. I always got told 'don't be bitter, Mangelwurzel.' Heard that a lot!

It's not being 'bitter', it's being hurt and upset.

But did you ask for help? Read my post above - my parents thought I didn't want their help and that it would potentially offend me (my mum is a huge overthinker and lives her life desperate not to offend anyone) so didn't offer it.

I think you are being unfair by being annoyed at your sister for this. Your anger should only be with your parents. I do understand your anger completely.

As a mum myself, my principles include being honest with my kids and treating them both equally. I have a great relationship with both of mine. I do not have a great relationship with my mother.

Why haven't the parents talked to ALL their kids, if that was what they were doing? Why single out one? It's a recipe for resentment.

Trying to talk about money with family is rarely anything other than a horrifically awkward conversation - at least it is in mine. Easy to advise other people to do it if it's fine in your own family.