AIBU to think that just leaving is no better than cheating?

@Camille99 but aren’t you glad he left?? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Honestly if it’s done it’s done
the difference is he was a lot further down the tracks
where as this bombshell came out if the blue to you he was already done and processed this long before

as for if he was cheating who knows but I wouldn’t give it was a given he was

OP, I think you need to stop analysing this. It happened two years ago and the relationship is long since over. It doesn't matter why/when he left; the fact is that he wasn't happy and he didn't want to be in the relationship any more. Whether that's because he met someone else or just didn't feel enough for you any more is immaterial. The end result is the same.

Dwelling on this isn't going to help you.

I think cheating is part of a broader commitment to work on the relationship and find a path through difficult times. So to me, just walking away because he saw a pretty woman in a bar is just as bad as cheating. Loyalty means not just giving up. What he did was the direct opposite of loyal.

Hope his tattoo gets infected

I think the meaning is frequently "I've just experienced that insane rush of hormones that you get when you meet someone new and our daily life love cannot compare to that feeling, so interpret my hormones as in love and our long term relationship as just love."

I think its the least worst choice tbh.
not excusing or condoning the behaviour, if you know you're out and you dont want to drag it then the best thing is just to leave.

he decided to choose himself and what he wants over what's best for his family unit.

If he could leave you based on one conversation, I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t sound like he was particularly happy in the marriage anyway, so he did the right thing leaving.

We see women told on this site again and again that they can leave if they want to - they don’t need a reason. He wanted to leave, so he did.

The wolf tattoo - dear god what a moron.

Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. Ultimately he doesn’t love her! He can’t magically make that return regardless of him being selfish or not - if anything him being a selfish fool makes it less likely that their relationship would have ever recovered. Being in love is a bare minimum to make a relationship work, you are delusional if you think otherwise.

Why are you buying his absolute cobblers. People don't leave their near decade long relationships with kids because they saw a woman in a pub that looks fit. Of course he was cheating.

So what if he thinks he's a nice guy. He's clearly not one. So just block him and move on with your life.

But if leaving is as bad as cheating how exactly is one supposed to terminate an unhappy relationship they are no longer willing to work on?

But he didn't want to be in a relationship with you. You did not have a great family life, from his POV.

I am in a sexless marriage where I am not happy, because although on the surface DH is a great dad, he does not pull his weight around the house. I would like to leave because I want sex and would like to find a relationship where that is possible before I am too old.

I have chosen for the moment to not just leave because of the family. DH does not work and would be in a very bad financial situation if I left. I would also not be able to fund 2 households in the area we are now, so we'd need to move and the kids would lose their bedrooms, change schools, move away from friends. I judge that is too much disruption for them right now.

So I am prioritising family life now but it is shit. It is not a choice between "be happy with your family or cheat", it's a choice between "sign up to a crappy relationship you don't want to be in or leave and hurt people".

Is he still with her?

Just reading about the tattoo made me want to gag so I feel for you having to see it. I’d have vomited on him.

He said he still loved me but wasn't in love with me.

I never understood the meaning of this and wish someone could explain the meaning of this to me!

@Camille99 I think the other woman was on the scene when he decided to leave. I am guessing from your post that he may not have started his relationship with her before properly ending things with you and this is why he believes he was a nice guy. I don't really think it matters whether it's the same as cheating. It just sounds like he fell in love with someone else. If he really did decide to end your relationship before starting the new one, then I would see that as a decent and right thing to do.

Could he have just forgotten about the other woman and just stayed in the relationship? This depends on how strongly he felt about her. Even if he did stay and eventually forgot about her, the point is that he didn't, unfortunately, feel strongly enough about your relationship to stay. Would you prefer it that he stayed and you may never meet someone, who truly loves you, and instead live your life with someone who doesn't?

So why didn't he try to fix the relationship when the cracks first started to appear, before he 'had his head turned'?

BigNov he was selfish before and after the split, and has decided on a narrative that suits him. I don't understand why you seem to believe it too though.
I think you should be extremely sceptical of his version of the truth, but instead of trying to figure it out, start regarding him as the delusional, selfish fool he is, like many others already do, even if they haven't said as much.

🤣

Reminds me of the lyrics to Olivia Rodrigo's Traitor

It took you two weeks to go off and date her
Guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor

You're a bit rude.

He was cheating.