AIBU to think that just leaving is no better than cheating?

You are wrong.
Leaving, or ending things, is better than cheating. Of course it is.
I am sure that you have gone through a hellish time having to cope with the fallout of his decision.
But you can't be so flippant to equate his behaviour with a cheating husband that is consistently lying to their partner and putting her at risk of STDs.
It is not even close to being on the same scale.
Good luck.

Regardless of him cheating or not, he broke his marriage vows, they obviously didn’t mean as much to him as they do you. Just try and get on with your life now, he’s not worth a second thought.

No I do not pretend everything is okay.

But 2 things - 1 I do not bang on every moment of every day in front of the kids etc. Because that would be awful. So there are good times, or apparently so.
2 people see and hear what they want. I will say things like "I am really unhappy and I don't know if I can keep doing this". DH will later say, "you were tired" or "yeah but then we had a really good time doing X with the kids". For him that overrides the earlier convo. For me, it doesn't.

Be honest, had he really never ever shown signs? Arguments, misaligned values, lack of sex? Really?

I mean it's possible but in my view, people "on the other side" frequently fool themselves rather than take responsibility and admit it's over.

It means, "I'm comfortable and familiar with you. Life is easy and I could quite easily carry on like this for years but I now fancy someone else and I'd rather have sex with them than continue this charade with you."

And I think a lot of people stay in the "comfortable and familiar" relationship until.they meet someone who is worth dropping the charade for.

Hence the whole ^too bad to stay; too good to leave dichotomy.

OP, come on. He was definitely full on cheating – he just fed you a lie. The woman having lived away has nothing to do with it. She was clearly present enough for him to 'chat to' and decide to end his marriage for, wasn't she?

I think it's better he left, instead of cheating, and then leaving.

But I agree it doesn't make it any less painful.

He wouldn't have left his family for a woman he had only known for a week and hadn't even had sex with?

Agreed.

But I don't think there's more to the story.

He already told the OP straight and plain that he didn't love her anymore.

Unfortunately, for you anyway, you can't force someone to be in a relationship when they don't want to be, and it doesn't make them a bad person in any way.

He potentially would if he had been unhappy for a long time and someone made him see ‘the light’ so to speak. Sometimes people snap and realise they need to get out of a situation, it happens.

He wouldn't have left his family for a woman he had only known for a week and hadn't even had sex with?
There is more to this story that he isn't telling you.

This is the truest thing I've ever read.

I always agree with your comments @BauhausOfEliott 😂

But also what @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff and @Sartre say.

It isn't as simple as all cheaters are fucking awful people and deserve unhappiness. If someone is truly happy in a marriage / relationship then it's pretty unlikely they're going to leave. Whether that's for someone else or not.
Cheating is usually the by-product of someone being unhappy and to be honest, I would someone left me in this way than stayed with me and was miserable.

I've said this on here before but my Grandparents got together when they were dating other people (way back in the 1940s!). They went on to have 6 children and were married until my Grandad died 15 years ago and were truly happy. But my Gran once said to me "you'd be naïve to think that every couple in the world were single when they got together. That would be a perfect world and we're far from that."

You would rather he had stayed and been unhappy with you?
Your emotions are ruling your head here. Be glad that he just left and didn’t mess you about for years on end. He had checked out of your marriage then met someone which was the catalyst to him leaving. That’s better than any alternative given that he didn’t want to be with you any longer.

What’s funny?

I don’t think leaving is as bad as cheating and I’m wondering why you’re so fixated on it two years later.

I wouldn’t say he’s a good guy but I also wouldn’t call him a villain and I do think what he did is better than lying and cheating. Cheating makes your question everything because of the lying you then can’t trust a word they say and ever know if they’re telling the truth. Also he clearly didn’t think he had a happy family life if he did what he did. It’s harsh but his reality was not yours.

I left my ex because I had major ick and everything he did was annoying me. A whole lot of wee small things. I had a lightbulb moment and just left. Just said. I’m done. It’s over.

I wasn’t cheating and I didn’t have anyone in the wings.

so according to you that’s as bad as if I’d cheated? Really?

You can spend a lot of time and energy here focusing on the wrong thing. My Exh cheated on me and left - although he always maintained (and still does) that it wasnt really cheating as he only kissed her and didn't have sex, even though it went on for a year - people make things up to make themselves feel better and I actually think he believes his story. I spent a long time,probably about a year, waiting for karma to catch up with him and being angry that he could waltz off and re write history. I went to counselling and realised I only hurting myself. You cant control what he thinks or does - you cant make him see he is an arse. You can't re write history - nothing can change what happened,you have to accept that to be able to move on. What you can do though is own your story - him telling a different narrative does not alter your truth. You know what he did was unkind and that he left his family and shacked up with someone very quickly. Own it, and now turn your attention to living your life and find a way to let go of the hurt and pain.

He wasn't committed to you, your relationship or maintaining a family with you. He certainly wasn't loyal. I often think people are attractive. I'm married not dead from the waist down. In 15 years I haven't pursued anyone else because I choose my children's stability and my H above my vagina. Your Ex isn't a big loss.

Like it doesn't cross his mind that he could have not left and forgotten about her and maintained our great family lives.

How do you do that with someone you've fallen out of love with?

Even if the woman never existed, if you don't love someone anymore then maintaining a great family life would be pretty much impossible.

Would that have changed the outcome though?

This doesn’t make even a jot of sense. You think a man who stays but cheats is more loyal than a man who falls for someone else and chooses to leave rather than cheat?!

I'm in the same position ( although I'd be happy never to have sex again, I'd just like to be left alone to do my own thing!) and an making the same choice for the same reasons.