AIBU to think that just leaving is no better than cheating?

It’s funny how blokes feel this need to lie to preserve some sort of ‘good guy’ myth. Of course he was cheating. He was likely meeting, shagging and planning his exit all while being ‘loyal’. Not that it matters now, you are well shot.

He still left because of another woman, he didn't just decide the relationship wasn't working, left, and then found someone else, he had already found the someone else. It probably means he was actively looking for someone else at the very least. In his mind he was being unfaithful (if you believe him) he just hadn't acted on his thoughts yet.

You will never get the answers or clarity that you want so it is better to think " he was a wanker " and stop the theorising or analysing for your own peace of mind. It is difficult I know. Every now and again something jumps into my mind about my ex H and it's been 8 years.

No man leaves the family home for an empty flat or bedsit. No man. There is always someone else. And if there isn’t someone else, then it’s drug problem.

Do people really have this teenage view of relationships that involve children?! No wonder society is f*cked

I think Natalie Lue (Baggage Reclaim) does a blog post on this, chiefly about being blindsided.

We all know cheating happens, people fall out of love, etc. But there is something particularly vicious about partners who attempt to keep the show on the road (having regular sex with you, keeping up appearances as though all is well) as the OP describes, only to then drop a bombshell of leaving, etc. That level of deceit is hard to stomach because they have essentially been lying to you for longer than they would have you know. That has always been the worst part for me when relationships have ended 'suddenly'.

Atleast if your partner came to you with doubts they were trying to resolve you wouldn't be completely on the back foot when it ends.

OP, other wise people have chipped in with sound advice, but you're well rid. And his tattoo is absolutely ghastly and thankfully not one you have to look at ever again!

Yes this is exactly the childish reason for this saying

No love, YOU are delusional. Long term spouses “fall out of love” all the time, it’s called life. “In love” is a chemical state. When you marry and produce kids with someone, the honourable thing to do is to work on the marriage, communicate etc. you don’t just decide “hey I’m not in love any more, see ya” and move on to the next “shiny new object of desire” well, I suppose you can, but it doesn’t make you any better than the guys/girls that cheat.

He's dressing his behaviour up in a way that makes it acceptable to himself. He knows, deep down, that he's been an absolute shit.

As I said to my ex once, when he was being similarly self-congratulatory, it's the lies you tell yourself that are the most damaging.
That brought him up short.

Leaving before an affair starts is the right thing to do though. It sucks to be the person left but if you develop feelings for someone else and you can't ignore them then you should leave before starting something new. It's not worse than cheating.

My ex would tell you he was blindsided.

I told him multiple times I wasn’t happy. Told him what I wasn’t happy about. He chose not to hear it and he still insists there were no signs.

So he says he doesn't love you, is in a new relationship, yet he's dragging his heels on a divorce he should want, is saying what he did isnt too bad, and that at least he was honest with you and is showing you his cringeworthy tattoos? Sounds like a twat who knows hes ballsed up bigtime and doesn't want to face the consequences of his own actions.

Yeah. OP is saying he 'just left', but he left because of a woman and tried to style it out.

I've 'just left' many times when I've reached the end of my rope. And then it's sayo-fucking-nara!

“ I feel like if I fancied a man in a bar I'd just ignore it.”

If you are in a truly happy healthy fulfilling relationship you are unlikely to be tempted by someone you meet on a night out. This doesn’t excuse his behaviour, I’m just saying that his encounter with this women (which probably went beyond just talking, let’s be honest) was the push he needed to end your relationship and leave. It’s shitty either way, as it sounds like he didn’t make an effort to work on your relationship, just let it fade and then walked away.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s really horrible.

Apologies, I meant to tag Camille99 in the second part of my reply.

I do think he should have at least tried to do something to fix the marriage and not just left without warning. It seems to me that rather than being honest with himself, he sat on his feelings until he saw another woman as an option and immediately dropped his wife to pursue her.

Leaving someone after making a commitment (getting married) and having kids is an awful thing to do to someone without at least letting the other person know you are no longer happy and working together to try to fix the relationship.

However cheating is much worse. You are deceived, lied to, you might be having sex with them not knowing their dick had been in someone else. Sometimes they keep flip flopping between you and the OW. Saying they will stop seeing them but then you find out about more lies. Ugh.

You ex is right in that it is better he left before cheating on you, even if he was on the verge of it. He is still a knob though and certainly should not be crowing about loyalty.

It took me a long time to get over my ex cheating and leaving. It took me a long time to let it all go and realise how much better off I was without him. Now I have no expectations of him so he never disappoints.

I think it’s his version of the story to make himself feel better. Maybe he wasn’t in love anymore. But it shouldn’t take a head turn to leave. For a lot of people it would have been a kick to work on their marriage. Sometimes marriage isn’t forever and people change. My marriage ended and I look back and don’t understand how we were together so long. Completely different people who met when we were to young!

@Camille99 , the men who leave because of most reasons, usually magically meet someone new within days. In other words, they were cheating but didn't want to admit to it.

Haha I doubt anyone really believes his version of events. Not really. He didn’t just meet a random woman one night and decide to end his marriage straightaway.

I think maybe the difference is he left for someone else - so he’s already had feelings for someone else before leaving.
but if the relationship is not working and and not happy and someone leaves without it being about someone else then I think that’s different?
OP feels like leaving is cheating because basically he was - being unfaithful and dishonest even if only emotionally. So it would feel different to the relationship breaking down for other reason.

He can say whatever he liked – doesn't mean it's true and doesn't mean you have to believe him. Regardless, it's the same as cheating – no matter the degree of it – because he left you because of another woman, whether he slept with her, kissed her, talked to her, whatever. Same thing.

The tattoo sounds cringe.

Highly likely that he was cheating before he left and is being very careful to spin the 'loyal' story.