Men who don’t commit. How did you know when to call time on it? Here’s my embarrassingly pathetic scenario

I think you need to ask yourself why your confidence is so low you’d accept such a shoddy deal for you and your DD? I personally would not want another child in the circumstance and position you describe. You don’t mention if you are financially secure, but if not, you deserve someone who cares about you - not some sideshow who isn’t bothered. Anyway Bristish Vogue has declared men unfashionable, I’m inclined to agree: https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/is-having-a-boyfriend-embarrassing-now.

You are being hard on yourself. Well done for breaking free-ish. Keep going. You need to reframe your narrative or it will always drag you down. You have a wonderful daughter who will bring you much joy, it sounds like you are successfully living independently. What else? Family, friends, career, travel, hobbies?

Personally, I would take it very slowly with dating right now, until you are totally secure in your self-worth.

Perhaps rather than trying to be sneaky about it, be open. “Look, you know I want a second child, and times ticking. So I’m under no impression you want us to be a proper couple and family ever, do you want to be the father of baby 2 as well or would you prefer if I have a second child with someone else?” Be clear you are planning on sleeping with other men. (Or possibly using a sperm donor)

That said, he may well start being difficult about having dd at his house to avoid you having a chance to sleep with other men.

Hi OP, maybe move to one of the co-parenting apps for communications?

Hah, no advice I can give OP, just wanted to say similar happened to me in the sense of having a non-committal man who dangled the carrot for years... Said he wanted to live together, get married, adored me etc I was the love of his life, but would never actually do either. 8 years of this BS, I gave one last go of trying to plan moving in together, offering to pay for everything if we got a place together, he refused, I ended it...

... And he also just acted like we'd never broken up! Absolutely bizarre. I stayed in contact to try and remain friends but he acted the exact same towards me, saying he loved me, same tone of messages and phone calls, including still trying to arrange to come over at the weekend. Even though I'd say no, it didn't put him off. Nothing changed for him at all!

Left me really unsettled, like I'd never actually been in a relationship with him on the first place. I was always just a casual regular hook up... And this was just how he was with casual regular hook ups. Only thing that went against that was his friends and family knew I was his girlfriend. But my god it was bizarre how the break up did not alter his behaviour/words/actions at all.

Had to just start outright ignoring him. Even then he'd still try, send gifts to me from amazon wishlist here and there, even when he knew I'd moved on and was living with someone else. He's given up now... I think.

He’s doing it to control you.

It’s difficult to understand because it’s not something you would do yourself. Accept that you did the right thing for you with the information you had at the time. In hindsight, it wasn’t right but it doesn’t matter. The time has passed. Be kind to yourself.

Start to view him for what he really is, a selfish prick. Ignore messages that aren’t about DD. Hand back gifts or chuck them in the bin/give them to the charity shop.

You still have time on the children front but you need to start seeing him for what he is, an ex who wronged you. Overthinking the situation is draining energy that you need to put ino moving on.

So the gap between his words and his actions was huge. And you eventually learned to go with the actions rather than the words.

Do you know what is actually happening with those men- they know they are lying. He never ever intended to be with you permanently. He liked you enough for fucking, but he never (never ever) saw you as more than that. He has zero respect for you, and why should he, when you let yourself be treated like shit by an absolute toe rag like him?

You need to get truly feel angry and contemptuous of him. It’s very very freeing.

You can’t control what he puts in messages but you definitely can control how you respond to them. Everything he says is a lie, designed to keep a hook in you.

I don't blame him!

This. You have power to put boundaries in place, but you are hand wringing. Please tell us you don't respond to your exes messaging 'As though we are still together' AT. ALL. Take charge of the situation. You don't have to tell your ex anything except just the once to say you will only be communicating re your daughters care, no explanation. Your personal and dating life is FA to do with him. Move on and don't let him drag you back to a situation that suits him.

Get creative? When men do this it is called rape no do not do this

Be honest and do what is best for the child you have now

Ah ok, fair enough!

Why not just enjoy your life with your lovely DD? Isn't she enough?

Why not freeze some eggs while you figure things out..?

And you know it’s time to walk away when you both want different things. If women want commitment via marriage etc then you don’t have a baby until you’re married and you don’t rush into it either. Simple as that.

No, in convincing him! 😭

My paternal grandmother was 43 when my daddy was born. Grandfather was 58. It’s not too late but every day you waste with him is one day less you have to try.

You only lasted as long as you did because you got pregnant. If he loved you and wanted to live with you, marry you and have more babies with you then that’s exactly what you would be doing. He doesn’t want that hence your situation.
Time tO walk away completely. Perhaps you will meet the love of your life, if you believe in such things. It’s not this man.

Very difficult to move on if he’s still contacting you in this way.

Get creative? You suggesting she sabotages the condoms, or trick him into getting her pregnant another way? That is just wrong

I can totally understand it - it's rough when you love someone and you just want them to step up and they never do, despite promising you that they will, or that things will be different, repeat ad nauseam.

But the positive is that you have seen this, you know it's the right thing to do. And while you can't get the time back, you absolutely can make the most of the time that you have ahead. If it helps, my best friend has three children - the first was when she was 39 and the last when she was 44. Never say never.

Youre gonna have to get creative or outright tell him that you want one more but arent arsed about the relationship then imo xx

Here's my advice - people might not like it, and its a little toxic but I stand by it

Get pregnant by him again so you have two kids with the same shit guy rather than finding another man. Youre 38 and dont have lots of years left

Prepare to be a single mum to two, with a little support from him, at least financially

Then when youre ready, really start over and start dating again xx

If you’re very firm that things have ended then in time it won’t matter what he messages. But you have to know in yourself that no matter what he says or does you are not moving from this standpoint.

I also understand that it must be painful if you wanted more than one child. But he is not the right person to have another child with. Also you and your DD will be able to have so many adventures together the older she gets. I was an only child to a single (widowed) mum and we had some fantastic holidays and fun times together growing up. I’m now married with my own DH and DC but me and my mum still go away on weekends together. Don’t underestimate how strong the bond will be between you and DD.