To think if you earn this, it doesn’t matter your circumstances, you’re still bloody privileged?!

So you have more money than her and an extra pair of hands, but you still think she's better off?

Yes it is. It's twice my income and I am alone with a DD.

Privileged is having that kind of money coming in for no work, not developing a well paid career. There is nothing privileged about the hours, the professional qualifications, the responsibility and so on. I actually admire her managing to juggle a good career with being a single parent. No one thinks its a privilege to stay late to study, or put in the extra work needed to climb the greasy pole, but they love to tell you you're lucky when you finally see some return on your investment of time and effort. I hate that attitude.

But her not standing her round, so to speak, is an issue though. If you can't or wont pay your way, don't go, and certainly don't mooch off others. And I agree, her earnings make this way of being even more galling.

In my experience, some of the worst for not standing their round have been the ones most able.

That’s not a lot for a single parent especially if she is having to pay for child care which often is needed more if you are a single parent.
You sound a bit jealous to me so ask yourself would you rather be in a relationship with a supportive partner earning less than her or be a single parent being solely responsible for that child’s welfare?

I take home about £1900, on my own. My ex h pays the mortgage (about 500). I feel fine, moneywise?! I definitely buy coffee etc when out

Exactly. You have two earners. Not only do you earn almost £1000 more you have the stability of another person bringing in a wage. If she gets sick, needs time off, loses her job it’s the only income she has. There’s nobody else there to bridge the gap and nobody else to cover anything.

i’d stop buying her coffee though, she’s not that skint.

Except it also means she IS ineligible for child benefit which op probably receives. Also she's solely responsible for all household bills and childcare costs. Absolutely not suggesting she's on the breadline but being frugal makes sense nonetheless

@Herefo1 i actually agree with you , not the word "privileged" as such but def ungenerous - had to do the sums ( 4,200 take home pay after tax equates to a salary over £69.000) so yes, on that salary supporting only 1 child, i would expect someone to be able to be a little more generous . If someone is still a basic rate tax payer it would be a different matter but not someone who earns enoguh to pay higher rate and be ineligible for child benefit.

you are being unfair. It’s none of your business how she chooses to spend or not spend her money, especially as single parent with no one there to fall back on. If you feel comfortable as you say stop keeping score over bloody coffees and leave her be!

It is low for most households and totally depends on circumstances. When your DC needed childcare for example, you and DH could share the load whereas it is fully on her. My sister thinks my family earn loads but relys on my parents fully for childcare, she has never paid for wrap around or holiday clubs and her DC went to nursery minimal days. I need to pay for these things and they take a chunk of my wage.

It certainly isn't big bucks. And with rent, bills and everything else it doesnt go far.
I can understand her being frugal. But she should refuse coffees or buy her round. Because theres being frugal which is fine and then theres letting others foot the bill, which is being a taker.

She still has to pay a mortgage, utilities, council tax etc which are most people's biggest outgoings. An extra adult makes no difference to the cost of these things. Granted she might have a slightly smaller house with just one kid but it's not like her bills are gonna be half what yours are because she's got half the number of people....

It depends on what her priorities are. I never buy coffees or treats out as I just don't think they're worth it and I can more than afford it, I just can't justify £4 on a cup of tea when I can take a flask from home for instance. I will spend money on what I like to do (theatre, sports etc - but would never buy food/drink at the venues as I feel it's a rip off). It's all about what you want to spend your money on, if you want to spend on lollies and coffees as you enjoy that, all good and if she doesn't, also fine. It's doesn't mean someone is tight or being stingey, just that they have different priorities which is fine. Obviously, if she's accepting you buying them and never returning that's an issue.
Her outgoings won't be half yours because she's on her own, probably more like at least 3/4 so you will most likely be in a better financial position. She also won't have anyone to rely on or help if things go wrong (loses job etc) so it makes sense that she may try and save more or be more cautious.

£4,200 a month would just about cover the mortgage on our very modest house, full time childcare and bills. Running a home costs more or less the same regardless of whether you've got one adult or two adults living there. So her expenses won't be hugely different to yours. In fact if she's a single mum she hasn't got someone to tag team childcare with so they may well be higher.

See in that case I would always politely decline if I knew I could never return the favour. Like at work, often one person will offer to go and buy coffees , I never accept because I couldn't afford to do a whole round in costa.

Well it was always said that two can live as cheaply as one. Perhaps she has large outgoings and worries about being the sole breadwinner for her household.

You have said her mortgage is about £900, maybe she has debts also?

Does she have childcare to pay?

It does sound like she has a fair amount available after mortgage and bills each month. But some people just always worry about money. My sister is like this also, always says things are too expensive. Doesn't want to spend too much money. Complains if for a special occasion we pick a restaurant where a main is more than she would like to pay. Has a very low Christmas present budget etc. Yet, mortgage was about £300 a month, have both hers and husband incomes, no children. Recently they have paid off their mortgage and now saving for a second holiday home!

Your sister sounds careful with money. Probably has a lot of savings! Maybe don't pay for her coffee etc anymore. Just say we're all struggling and let her decide if she wants to open her purse or not.

Much of the overhead expense is the same however many people live in the house. The insurance, the Utility standing charges, she pays 75% of CT one one income, she needs to build up savings because she doesn’t have a partners salary coming in if she gets ill or loses her job.

Being on your own makes you feel more vulnerable and cautious about money.

exactly this! I made a list of all my outgoings and assuming i still made the same mortgage contribution and paid for my own car expenses, I reckon it costs me at least £300 a month more to live on my own than if i lived with a partner.

Yes she could - but maybe the OP wants to save and put that money into the future to make her life easier too? I think its just basic courtesy, if you aren't doing badly, just pay your way and don't expect other people to finance your life. Its fine being prepped for the future, but you can't do that off the back of other people paying for your present?! And at over 4K a month (whilst yes think everyone agrees money goes less far these days), you can buy the coffees once in a while surely?!

I earn more than that, I’m not privileged. £4,200 a month is in the £50-60k bracket. It’s not a life changing amount of money especially if you’re running a household.

I earn just over 4k a month, and no I don’t consider myself privileged. I’m a single household income, 3 kids, almost all grown up now and live in the South East. Rent for my flat is £1400 and I’m having to wait until youngest leaves school to relocate up north to afford to buy a house. I’ll be working until 67 min. I worked hard to get a decent salary, but its one income and a lot of pressure doing it on one salary. Not sure where privilege comes in.

I suppose it depends massively on her outgoings. As a single mum with one child who has 2k less than your sister each month, I would certainly feel very comfortable if I had the same wage as her. I wouldn’t describe myself as struggling at all although admittedly I benefit from having a landlord who has only put my rent up once in the 10 years I’ve lived in my house. My rent is now well below the average price for my area. I also have no childcare costs due to the age of my child. What I will say though is that when you’re on your own, there is a lot of pressure in knowing it’s all on you. Your sister will be feeling that and will probably be very conscious that if she runs out of money or the shit hits the fan, there’s no one to pick up the flack. Priorities come into it too. I’m making ends meet and saving a little, me and my child have days out and the occasional treat but he’s never been on a holiday abroad, we don’t have a fancy car etc. If I earnt more, I’d absolutely want to give him more so I can see how extra money would get eaten up fast.

There is a key difference that a two parent household also has two people’s spare time to put into things like fixing stuff, cleaning/cookonf, being able to let the other parent go for a walk by themselves for 30 minutes, childcare, etc and more resilience if things go wrong. As a single parent there are a lot of ways she may need to compensate by paying someone as she doesn’t have a partner to do things.

Yeah agree this is hard. I have had to be really firm with some people in saying no thank you I'd prefer that you didn't get these. But given this is family I feel the Ops sister should either be paying her way but certainly shouldn't be expecting her sis to pay for treats out. I don't expect my married friends on higher incomes to pay more than me when we go out for dinner or to be subsidised in any way because I'm single.