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To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

841 replies

Babycarrierdilemma · 13/11/2025 20:55

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

OP posts:
Left · 17/11/2025 09:00

Katrinawaves · 17/11/2025 07:18

Nobody goes to the effort of double deleting messages so they are permanently lost unless they have something to hide IME.

Very true.

Left · 17/11/2025 08:59

Babycarrierdilemma · 17/11/2025 07:13

I’ll try and have a look thanks sorry I should have just thought of that first (havent slept much from worrying)

I bet you’ve not slept well - no worries OP.

in text messages click the word “edit” in blue, top left, brings up a drop down menu with the option to view deleted messages. Have added a screenshot - hope this helps x

To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?
IAmKerplunk · 17/11/2025 08:21

Swiftie1878 · 17/11/2025 07:51

If you go into messages, scroll up to the top and click the word ‘Edit’ at the top left, it has a ‘show recently deleted’ option.
Good luck! xx

As an aside I never knew that about my iPhone! I have just tried it and it shows deleted messages up to 28 days ago
Sorry op, nothing useful to add apart from hope it works out

Swiftie1878 · 17/11/2025 07:51

Babycarrierdilemma · 17/11/2025 07:13

I’ll try and have a look thanks sorry I should have just thought of that first (havent slept much from worrying)

If you go into messages, scroll up to the top and click the word ‘Edit’ at the top left, it has a ‘show recently deleted’ option.
Good luck! xx

Katrinawaves · 17/11/2025 07:18

Nobody goes to the effort of double deleting messages so they are permanently lost unless they have something to hide IME.

sunkissedandwarm · 17/11/2025 07:16

Babycarrierdilemma · 17/11/2025 07:13

I’ll try and have a look thanks sorry I should have just thought of that first (havent slept much from worrying)

Just posted because it'll likely be faster. I hope what you find out gives you peace of mind. I don't think you're unreasonable. Your husband is over involved and your neighbour too needy, even if all innocent on their parts.

Katrinawaves · 17/11/2025 07:15

For text messages, there is a menu bar on top right hand of the screen with a drop down menu”restore recently deleted messages” option. Or you can roll the phone back to the last iCloud update.

For WhatsApp messages, there is a daily back up so if you delete and then reinstall the app you can restore them and if the back up has been disabled, you can also roll the phone back to the last iCloud update.

Babycarrierdilemma · 17/11/2025 07:13

sunkissedandwarm · 17/11/2025 07:11

I wouldn't know but I'm sure Google does.

I’ll try and have a look thanks sorry I should have just thought of that first (havent slept much from worrying)

OP posts:
sunkissedandwarm · 17/11/2025 07:11

Babycarrierdilemma · 17/11/2025 07:07

How do you do that ?

I wouldn't know but I'm sure Google does.

Babycarrierdilemma · 17/11/2025 07:07

Left · 16/11/2025 20:35

Who deletes messages 🤷‍♀️

If it’s an iPhone, and they were texts, you can recover recently deleted messages.

How do you do that ?

OP posts:
firstofallimadelight · 17/11/2025 06:47

I dont think it was your place to decide your dh couldn’t hep. You needed a conversation with him but ultimately it was his choice. If it’s a few minutes a couple times a day I fail to see how it’s impacting massively (although I can see the lifts might) Are your children still young? Is he shirking responsibility to your kids ?
Unlesz there’s loads more to this it’s definitely not a Ltb situation

MsGinaLinetti · 17/11/2025 06:21

Ywu imo to speak on his behalf. It's rarely helpful
but YANBU to be annoyed at him being so involved. It was outrageous for him to accuse you of being mean and she shouldn't have gone behind your back.
if my husband takes my phone (to do some boring tech/ upgrade stuff) I often delete messages that I've recently sent. I do sometimes say things that I don't want him to read but I'm not having an affair.
go out together if you can
talk it through
id also be tempted to take that day off fwiw

Francestein · 16/11/2025 23:44

I think you need to have VERY strong words with DH and let him know that he is embarrassing himself and making a mockery of your marriage. He is not her baby daddy or her actual daddy and deleting the messages is a raging red flag. You need to explain to him that you are establishing very clear boundary violations on his part and he needs to set them with the entitled twat upstairs.

Ferrissia3 · 16/11/2025 22:35

AngelicKaty · 16/11/2025 18:30

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to read this OP. If the messages were totally benign, why would he need to delete them? Surely he would want to be able to show them to you to prove there's nothing out of order? And surely the obvious response to him not being able to help her anymore would be to delete her as a contact - I mean, why keep her details on his phone if he's never going to have any contact with her in the future?
You don't say if he has an iPhone or an Android, but WA messages and texts can be recovered from both types of device, particularly if it's within 30 days (WA messages via WA backup and texts via the recycle bin, iCloud or Google One Backup) - there's lots of "how to" help online.
I would tell him that he needs to recover the messages, with you sat next to him, so you can read them for yourself. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know. A completely innocent man will prove you wrong and then claim the moral high ground. A guilty man will get angry and defensive ... I sincerely hope he's not the latter OP. Good luck. 🤗

I agree this is the best way forward from here OP. It seems that he is happy to continue lying and gaslighting you, and that way lies absolute misery. The alternative is to rip the bandaid off now and force him to be honest.

Grannygherkin · 16/11/2025 22:30

Babycarrierdilemma · 13/11/2025 21:28

Exactly ! The reason I even had carriers were for the same stairs she wants help with as back then dh was full time in the office !

And there's your answer!!! Tell her you did it alone when hubby at work all day so it's time she managed on her own. What happens when you go away for a week or more holiday? Shed soon have to learn. Good luck

Ljm90 · 16/11/2025 22:06

She's after your DH

OVienna · 16/11/2025 22:04

Babycarrierdilemma · 16/11/2025 17:51

Not great. I know it’s probably wrong but I’m tempted to change shifts on the day she had the appt she was wanting help with so that I’m at home rather than out

"Not great." Yeah, this is crazy. Your DH has revealed himself to be a confirmed knob. In addition to a lack of being respectful to you and your relationship - has he seriously nothing better to occupy his mind than the need of a NDN?

Sugargliderwombat · 16/11/2025 21:45

He's deleted his messages? This is getting more and more suspicious!

Katrinawaves · 16/11/2025 21:04

The default setting on what’s app is to auto back up daily, so I would be asking when he turned that setting off and why (assuming he has done). If he hasn’t, I would get him to restore the chats. If he did turn off back up that might suggest he has something to hide (which may or may not be related to the NDN). Are you strong enough to open a can of worms?

3luckystars · 16/11/2025 21:03

it just goes to show, your instincts were right about her.

MeetMyCat · 16/11/2025 21:01

Maybe he agreed with the NDN when she complained about the OP, that’s another explanation for the deleted (allegedly) messages

GAJLY · 16/11/2025 20:54

Tell him to stop deleting the messages because that is really dodgy.

G5000 · 16/11/2025 20:36

yes deleting messages is really weird. Can't think of any reason except there's something there he doesn't want OP to see.

Left · 16/11/2025 20:35

Babycarrierdilemma · 16/11/2025 17:13

I asked to see any messages but there aren’t any - he apparently deleted them all because I said he couldn’t help her anymore. Not sure if this is true or if he’s just deleting them so I don’t see any new ones ?

Who deletes messages 🤷‍♀️

If it’s an iPhone, and they were texts, you can recover recently deleted messages.

Babycarrierdilemma · 16/11/2025 20:31

YB1985 · 16/11/2025 20:22

does she not have friends or family?its odd behaviour from her to only be asking your husband for help.

if youre in UK she doesnt need a car seat for taxi, and maybe just leave pram downstairs...or wear sling.

the fact shes complained about you to ur husband is questionable behaviour

I have no idea about family etc I’ve never seen anyone at all

OP posts:
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