To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

I've read the OPs replies thanks...and It's not just about about a pram up and down stairs though is it? She asks for so much more than the odd bit of help, the point is the OP is not fine about it and that should be enough

So many deeply unpleasant replies here. Of course it's too much to do these things daily for the neighbour, and fair enough for OP to have said so.

That doesn't mean the neighbour is manipulative or a cf or anything other than that she's alone and struggling and desperate.

I nearly died with the sleep-deprivation and stress, carrying a baby and a buggy up 3 flights daily with all the shopping was very dangerous for my baby, as I could barely manage it. Getting trains and buses was incredibly difficult indeed. I didn't ask neighbours for help, but can imagine why this woman would be in a desperate state and upset if she thought it was ok to have that daily support and is now losing it.

It sounds like she really needs more people around her supporting her and should be talking to her HV or GP.

I’m a little older than you. I no longer-if I ever did-think my dp is likely to shag our neighbour on the stairs!

Exactly this! 👏🏼 It’s a red flag from the neighbour to bitch to OP’s husband about her (not to mention outright lying by saying she’s been “unkind” when she’s actually been really nice giving her two carriers), and a red flag from the husband to stand with the neighbour and not his WIFE.

Marriage should be “two yeses or one no” and if the neighbour’s behaviour is bothering OP (and I think most people would rightly be bothered by the constant interruptions alone, let alone the escalation to manipulative behaviour with OP’s husband), then it needs to STOP. Either husband gets on board, or he can move in with the neighbour and become the new baby daddy (I wouldn’t put it past the neighbour to be trying this anyway!).

I do it at train stations - doesn't everyone? When you see a mum on their own with a kid in a pushchair?
Yes, and one the tube, as and when it happens. But almost by definition it's not inconvenient for me when I'm at a station; I offer when I'm going in the same direction/up or down the same steps as them. People at stations don't call you over when you're going the opposite way, or standing talking to someone, or looking at something, which is the equivalent of what a neighbour who messages you every time it suits them is doing.

As long as he's just your doormat it's fine though?

The neighbour told OP’s husband that she’d been crying all afternoon because OP had been unkind to her, when in fact OP had gone round and given her some baby carriers as a gift.

Why can't your DH decide who he helps? I think it's very manipulative and controlling for you to have the conversation with NDN without speaking to your husband about it when you are supposedly speaking on his behalf. Imagine your husband deciding who you were allowed to help.

I'd be fuming if there was no good reason.

I'd cheerfully help a new mum out.

I'm being deadly serious. Read the OP's messages back.

The neighbour didn't say the OP was 'mean'. Her husband did, after the neighbour was upset that she had been told he couldn't help her.

For all we know, the new mum messaged him to genuinely say sorry for putting so much on him and his wife, she didn't mean to. And he - rightly imo - said his wife is being mean.

Because she is.

She asks for help bringing her food delivery up if the delivery driver won't take it upstairs. So it's not every week, because sometimes the delivery driver will, and it's no big deal taking it upstairs.

She's asked for help getting to two appointments, and the OP has said no.

And she asks for help taking her pram up and downstairs.

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with any of that. If the neighbour hadn't asked, I would offer to carry the pram up and down, and I would ask my husband to do the same. I do it at train stations - doesn't everyone? When you see a mum on their own with a kid in a pushchair?

It's causing a problem in their marriage because the OP is being weird about it. She's threatened divorce because an upstairs neighbour interrupted a film ffs. Nothing sane or reasonable about it.

I don't believe anybody who says they would not mind one bit being asked to do random stuff for neighbour multiple times per day, every day. Unless you are really bored and that's your only social interaction or something?

Thankfully most of the people I know in real life are far more empathic and kind than you are- you seem to be actually angry that the OP and her husband have made up.

Geez.

I'm all for helping people but I think you're right nipping this in the bud. As a single parent and it can be difficult but she can't rely on neighbours that she's known for a few weeks to pick up the slack for her .it's one thing occasionally helping to lift things up the stars when you see her and another responding to text sdaily to do things. How was she intending to get to where she was going without a lift from your husband before she moved in or did she plan that trip assuming he would help. I also think she's an absolute neck complaining to him to him about you and he's got an absolute brass neck to be prioritising her and helping her over your feelings. You just need to be careful that now this doesn't become a secret thing where he doesn't tell you that he's helped her. He works from home and the next step would be her inviting him in for coffee, inviting him in for lunch . my partner has female friends and I have male friends but it's her dependence on him and what seems to have become an expectation that he will be there for her that is an issue. would he be jumping up and down to help a man I suspect he wouldn't be quite so keen. what was she planning to do if when she moved in the people across the way were in their 80s?

As a mumsnet user are you counting yourself in this 'not nice' category?

Yes, I've not many people who think it's ok to text someone slagging off their spouse either.

You have an absolute right to set boundaries but...

1. If DH is doing the helping then it's up to him to set the boundary himself - if he wants to. You can't speak for him
2. It seems you've gone from super helpful straight to zero. This could be a bit bewildering to NDN who might not have much insight into how demanding she's being.

I imagine NDN is really struggling so I think it'd be kind to go and see her, tell her something you CAN help with (e.g. watching the baby once a week while she takes delivery of her groceries), and maybe help her work out some coping and support mechanisms.

Give a man a fish, etc.

^^ or equally, he is looking for something more from her. Do they have contact when he’s wfh?

I think you have every reason to be concerned about this.

your DH is the problem here he should be standing by you.

Are you having a laugh? This woman wants to be driven to and from appointments, she wants them to collect her food shopping from the ground floor, she's got the DHs mobile number and cries to him about how 'mean' the OP is because she had the cheek to put boundries in, it's causing rows between her and her DH and you don't think it's not inconveniencing her life? Bloody hell.....

Think a lot of us are are on a bit in years (I'm 50) and have had our generous spirit made cautious by advantage-taking, boundary-testing people before.

@Babycarrierdilemma be on your guard.

He's had his head turned by the pretty younger neighbour who needs him and makes him feel like a manly man.

He knows full well he is not just being kind. He's got a wee crush. The fact he gave her his number was a massive boundary stomp.

She is also manipulative, cheeky and entitled and knows she has more power over your husband than you do.

This would be a hard no for me. You can tell him the same but he will just tell her "my mean wife says I can't help you anymore even though I really want to".

He is a walking cliche and it's pathetic.

Don't let this go.

In all seriousness though op, I think he likes the attention he’s getting off a young lady. That’s not to say he’d do anything, but he’s probably getting a bit of an ego boost from it all!

A couple of minutes I'd imagine, so it'd be correct if it was a one-off. But it isn't a one-off, it's daily intrusions and it's already progressed to requests for lifts because someone who can't get in and out of her front door without assistance and can't collect her own shopping deliveries now can't use public transport either.

Knight in Shining Armour syndrome

Watch out or the intrusions will be relentless

I think YABU.

Your husband doesn't mind. It's not inconveniencing your life - you just don't like that he's doing it. I have sympathy with not having the confidence to get out there when you're a first time new mum. I found the whole thing incredibly daunting - I wouldn't have taken a pram/pushchair on the train on my own, I used slings all the time, but it was the being OUT and having to parent in public I struggled with. No idea why. I run a business and am extremely practical, capable and competent, but I crumbled in the first few months after having a child. All my confidence vanished. Took about a year to get it back.

I don't really understand why you don't want to help her either. It takes a village. When someone is struggling, you help. She's on her own. There are a lot of cold people in the replies here.