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Original poster

To be upset by this comment from my mum?

89 replies

ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 16:06

My mum has been going on and on at me for Christmas present ideas.

She hasn’t accepted that I just want money, so I told her I’d appreciate a contribution to a little hair makeover, I want to go from blonde to my natural brunette.

She’s come back and told me she won’t do it because she thinks it won’t look good on me and I suit being blonde a lot more.

To be honest it’s just upset me a little because I want to make the change and I don’t really see the need to say it, just say you’d rather buy me something tangible (I’ll just ask for a stock up of skincare etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 18:13

Happyher · 13/11/2025 18:02

I’d be the same if my daughter asked for money to pay for a tattoo. I wouldn’t give her the money because I hate them. I know I couldn’t stop her having one if she wanted it but I certainly wouldn’t pay for it. Happy to buy her other things though

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surely you see there’s a difference between a tattoo (permanent) and getting your hair dyed?

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Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 18:13

Iris2020 · 13/11/2025 18:06

I think in a way yavbu for trying to manipulate her into giving you money when she clearly doesn't want to. It's entitled.

If you don't want a new toaster ask for consumables - your favourite brand of shampoo, bottle of your favourite wine or pack of hover bags for your hoover.

Just don't ask for vouchers or money as you're the one not listening - money is not an option. (And imo massively rude to ask for).

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as I’ve said I’m fine to do that, I’ll ask for skincare and haircare. It just upset me that instead of saying “no, I want to give a gift not cash”, she was nasty and said my chosen hair colour wouldn’t suit me

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Iris2020 · 13/11/2025 18:06

ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 16:45

Why ask what I want then?

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I think in a way yavbu for trying to manipulate her into giving you money when she clearly doesn't want to. It's entitled.

If you don't want a new toaster ask for consumables - your favourite brand of shampoo, bottle of your favourite wine or pack of hover bags for your hoover.

Just don't ask for vouchers or money as you're the one not listening - money is not an option. (And imo massively rude to ask for).

Wexone · 13/11/2025 18:04

she sounds like my mother she will ask what you want then buy something completely different that is not what I want nor need or will use. I usually just list it on vinted or give away. it used to hurt my feelings but gone past caring now and expect it. she doesn't know me at all
giving money is not tasteless is more practical then buying tat or stuff they don't want. why didn't your mother give you a voucher for the hairdresser instead ? we give all of nieces and nephews money at Xmas they are delighted- some heading skiing in Jan everyone will give them money for their trip it's far better then crap they don't need

HelloCheekyCat · 13/11/2025 18:03

A complete obliteration of the happiness and charm that involves giving a present to the other person and seeing how they open it

or saves you wasting money on something they don’t really like/want/need
surely once someone is a grown up they can usually buy whatever they want for themselves & actually cash towards a guitar/hair appointment/holiday/whatever is more sensible

Happyher · 13/11/2025 18:02

ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:28

Then she can say that’s the reason, instead of saying it s because I won’t look good?

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I’d be the same if my daughter asked for money to pay for a tattoo. I wouldn’t give her the money because I hate them. I know I couldn’t stop her having one if she wanted it but I certainly wouldn’t pay for it. Happy to buy her other things though

TodaRythm · 13/11/2025 17:51

ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:47

What’s tasteless about it? My brother asked what I want, it’s £90. I asked what he wants and it’s about £45. I’ll stick the difference in a card instead of buying tat he doesn’t want

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I will concede that your mother should be able to buy a present on her own without having to pester you for ideas all the time .
But I can see how depressing it must feel to just chuck some notes into an envelope or perhaps not even that, these days it will be a just a bank transfer. A complete obliteration of the happiness and charm that involves giving a present to the other person and seeing how they open it.

Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:47

TodaRythm · 13/11/2025 17:44

For goodness sake, do people gift money for Christmas? How utterly tasteless.

What’s tasteless about it? My brother asked what I want, it’s £90. I asked what he wants and it’s about £45. I’ll stick the difference in a card instead of buying tat he doesn’t want

OP posts:
Newname71 · 13/11/2025 17:47

TodaRythm · 13/11/2025 17:44

For goodness sake, do people gift money for Christmas? How utterly tasteless.

Really?!
DS wants a guitar for Christmas, he has expensive taste so I will give him money to put towards it. I’d rather he have what he really wants not just buy stuff for the sake of it.

TodaRythm · 13/11/2025 17:44

For goodness sake, do people gift money for Christmas? How utterly tasteless.

BadgernTheGarden · 13/11/2025 17:36

How about a voucher for M&S, or whatever shop(or shops) you like, so it's not just cash but you can pick bits and pieces you like or need.

Newname71 · 13/11/2025 17:34

HostessTrolley · 13/11/2025 17:30

I'm mum to adult kids. I'm happy to give them money for birthdays, but prefer to buy actual presents for Christmas. They're mostly at home on Christmas morning and sending a bank transfer just isn't the same as sitting round with breakfast, opening presents together.

Does that make me controlling??

Not at all.
I’m the same, I love Christmas and the family all together opening presents but if either of my DC wanted money for something I’d give it to them because it’s about them not me. 😊

Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:33

HostessTrolley · 13/11/2025 17:30

I'm mum to adult kids. I'm happy to give them money for birthdays, but prefer to buy actual presents for Christmas. They're mostly at home on Christmas morning and sending a bank transfer just isn't the same as sitting round with breakfast, opening presents together.

Does that make me controlling??

To be fair my issue isn’t with the fact she doesn’t want to gift money. I’ll ask for skincare and haircare. It’s the fact she was so rude to me when saying why.

OP posts:
HostessTrolley · 13/11/2025 17:30

I'm mum to adult kids. I'm happy to give them money for birthdays, but prefer to buy actual presents for Christmas. They're mostly at home on Christmas morning and sending a bank transfer just isn't the same as sitting round with breakfast, opening presents together.

Does that make me controlling??

Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:28

Happyher · 13/11/2025 17:24

Because she wants to buy her daughter something nice. She sees having hair done as something you pay for yourself and not given as a gift.

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Then she can say that’s the reason, instead of saying it s because I won’t look good?

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 13/11/2025 17:26

ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:19

But then why does she ask what I want? If she doesn’t want to know? And why does she then have to be rude to me?

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Because she wants to control you, it would seem.

CherryBlossom321 · 13/11/2025 17:25

“You already asked what I’d like and I told you. If you don’t want to, that’s absolutely fine, but please don’t ask me again.”

And then make sure you get your hair done how you want it, once you’ve got the means.

Happyher · 13/11/2025 17:24

ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 16:44

But why does she have to buy me something? She could have bought me something too - my hair extensions!

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Because she wants to buy her daughter something nice. She sees having hair done as something you pay for yourself and not given as a gift.

Newname71 · 13/11/2025 17:21

ThejoyofNC · 13/11/2025 16:47

You were rude to try and force her to give you money as a gift.

I have/will never give money and find requests for it very rude.

I don’t understand this at all.
Why ask what someone wants and then get pissy when they ask for money towards something they want.
DS asked me what I want. There is a particular perfume I’d really like, it’s expensive so I’ve said if that’s out of the price range you were thinking then some money towards it would be lovely. He contributes what he wants and I get my perfume. Win win
Edited to add DS wants another (this will be number 5) guitar off me and DH or money towards one depending on budget. I’d rather give him the money in the knowledge he’ll have something he really wants.

Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:19

Freewifix · 13/11/2025 17:17

But sometimes family dont want to give money no matter what its used for.
If its your goals you pay for it.
Christmas is about receiving a gift that someone as put thought in to getting you even if its cheap.
Money for your goals should come from your pocket.
The whole hair thing its not worth the drama do what you want with it.

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But then why does she ask what I want? If she doesn’t want to know? And why does she then have to be rude to me?

OP posts:
Freewifix · 13/11/2025 17:17

ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:14

I really think it depends on the person who’s doing the gifting.

id never ask for money from my friends, for example. But from my family I feel more comfortable asking as they know it’s for specific goals.

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But sometimes family dont want to give money no matter what its used for.
If its your goals you pay for it.
Christmas is about receiving a gift that someone as put thought in to getting you even if its cheap.
Money for your goals should come from your pocket.
The whole hair thing its not worth the drama do what you want with it.

Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:14

Freewifix · 13/11/2025 17:13

I agree with you on this.
Ive met a few people even family that say i only want money no gifts i just find it rude.
So i didnt bother getting anything in the end.
Im not going to give money away but im happy to buy a small gift.

Show quote history

I really think it depends on the person who’s doing the gifting.

id never ask for money from my friends, for example. But from my family I feel more comfortable asking as they know it’s for specific goals.

OP posts:
Freewifix · 13/11/2025 17:13

ThejoyofNC · 13/11/2025 16:47

You were rude to try and force her to give you money as a gift.

I have/will never give money and find requests for it very rude.

I agree with you on this.
Ive met a few people even family that say i only want money no gifts i just find it rude.
So i didnt bother getting anything in the end.
Im not going to give money away but im happy to buy a small gift.

Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:07

Brefugee · 13/11/2025 16:46

she asked you what you want. She doesn't want to give you that.

So either stop being a bit ungrateful and ask for something else, or tell her not to bother with anything, or whatever you like.

There really is no need to fall out over this though.

I don’t think I’m being ungrateful, I’m just upset she’s basically said she thinks I’ll look ugly if I go back to my natural hair

OP posts:
Original poster
ffsmumouch · 13/11/2025 17:04

ThejoyofNC · 13/11/2025 16:47

You were rude to try and force her to give you money as a gift.

I have/will never give money and find requests for it very rude.

I’m not forcing her.

She knows why I want it and is very supportive of that reason.

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