i care too much what people think so here goes...

You have the capacity to love so go for it.

My dad took up with an old girlfriend quite soon after my mum died. Others judged him but I didn’t. There’s no right length of time. I think it shows that he was happily married and had a loving heart that had room for more.

My Stepdad met someone else less than a year after my Mum died 5 years ago.

Me and my brother were both happy for him, my DP was less so, she felt it was disrespecting my Mum in some way. She never said anything to him though, and I'd have been deeply disappointed in her if she had.

At the end of the day, people are going to have opinions about this. You have no control over this. The only control you have is whether you let them affect you or not.

I wouldn't lie to anyone about it. If people ask what you've been up to, tell them, if they ask with who, then say a friend. If they start getting too nosy, then tell them none of your business.

Personally, I appreciated that my StepDad got in touch with me to let me know that he'd met someone, that it was very early days but that he didn't want me to find out through the grapevine or bump into them and be sideswiped. You might consider doing the same with your husbands family. But you don't have to. At the end of the day, their opinion doesn't matter. It's your life, not theirs.

Exactly this.
Enjoy OP, you deserve it.

@flangebuckets

If you are happy (despite your grief) and enjoying your time with this man, who cares what others think?

As far as your parents, is there a reason why you think they'll disapprove? If so there's no need to 'announce' it or start a conversation about it.

Them; "What have you been up to?
You; "I've been x,y,z"
Them; "what alone?, who with?"
You; "Oh, it was really great" then launch into a long story about what-/wherever it was. Follow up with asking them something that requires a long answer.

In other words dodge and deflect until you're ready to share.

Personally, I wouldn't disapprove on a 'moral ground' (ie 'proper respect') if one of my DC started dating/seeing someone 9 months after being widowed, my only concern would be whether or not they were emotionally ready or were vulnerable to someone taking advantage.

What have you been up to?

I went to see The Mousetrap at the theatre.

Alone?

No I went with a man called Bob, he's nice, good company, if one of us wants to do something we ask each other and generally go along if we don't have any other plans.

It isn't lying, it just isn't disclosing the bedroom nature of your private adult relationship, which is perfectly fine.

If your parents ask, could this build up to a relationship you can answer, again fairly truthfully, I don't know. Because you don't right now.

If they show any hint of disapproval, you know them best would they?, of a widow dating so soon, then you get the information you need to keep the nature of your relationship private for a bit longer, but if they seem fine, keen even, for you to be with someone whatever the nature of the relationship then perhaps tell them a bit more next meet up.

He's a friend.
He's nice
We enjoy each other's company
It's better than sitting in alone

You can tell them almost everything, except the bedroom bits if you want to basically.

There's a book called "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins - I'd recommend it. It talks about exactly this and how to overcome caring what people think.

I've just finished reading it and a good example which came from the book is when Mel was unsure of what to do for a certain Saturday because she had conflicting plans, and it was either go to both events, and be a bit late to both or choose one and cancel the other (or something like that) and she explained that regardless of what the outcome is, despite your best efforts you can't please everybody, so you might as well please yourself.

Im so sorry for your loss and im guessing that the last period of your relationship was spent caring for your husband and your grieving will have been ongoing long before he died (I remember my mum looking after my dad in the last year of his life with cancer which was horrificand traumatic).

You are still young and you have every right to meet someone new. Go for it. Its nobody's business but yours.

I am sorry for your loss but I don't think there are rules about how long you need to wait before exploring something new. If you feel ready then date, have fun and it would still be ok to occasionally have a little cry about your tragic loss whilst also enjoying a new connection. People aren't black and white - we can feel more than one thing at once!

Life is short, enjoy it, you're not hurting anyone.

I had a similar issue in my wider family where a childless widow moved on less than a year after her husband died. All his siblings took great umbrage to this but they all had spouses and children to go home to every night. I thought how dare they deem that this lovely woman deserves loneliness just because of the misfortune of her husbands's death while they all lived in comfort with their large families.

Rather than making a big announcement, or alternatively trying to keep the relationship secret, can you gently ease your new partner into your life.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to grieve.

If there are people in your life who are likely to judge you, know that their opinions don't really matter. Those who truly care about you will only want to see you happy.

You have to live your life in the way that feels right to you. Only you can decide whether or not you are really ready for another relationship. Take each day as it comes.

I hope that you find happiness, however you decide to move forwards.

Losing your life's partner truly concentrates the mind and makes you realise life is short and uncertain. I have felt like this since OH died.
Please live your life .... never mind what others think.

Ha ha, cross post! I agree. You're going to get judgement, decide how to deal with it. My advice would be to not change what you're doing, but to face the realities and head into them with open eyes.

TBH OP, many people will think it's "too soon". So you may as well face that, and decide how you're going to deal with it.

Some people will think you’ve moved on too quickly. As he was a friend first, some may suspect you were having an affair. It’s up to you whether to be bothered by that or not.

I agree with this.
Make sure you arent throwing yourself into a relationship because of grief.
It makes a person act impulsive sometimes, especially if they got into the relationship at a very low point in their life, is it lust, you'll know yourself.

If it helps…. I’m 45, I got diagnosed with a whopping great colon tumour on my birthday. We spent 2 months thinking the worst due to the size of it and everything else.

so many conversations I needed to have but one of the main ones was to tell my partner (of 6 yrs whom offered instantly to bring up my 9yo daughter which is not his) that I never wanted him to feel guilt for meeting someone else. I didn’t want to die knowing that he would be sitting there being miserable for the rest of his life and whilst bringing up my daughter. I made it very clear that I would want him to move on when the time was right x

The state of people in their 40s....oh I lolled. It's true.

Do IT. Do whatever the fuck you want. Sorry for your loss x

Go for it and be happy!

Though you feel that within yourself, the OP is all about worrying what others might think/feel.

Life is far too short to pass up a possible chance of happiness.

Having someone else in your life doesn’t mean that you don’t/didn’t love your husband. It means that he is sadly no longer here and you’re playing the cards you’ve been dealt and trying to grab some happiness somewhere.

Good luck.

You can do as you please but as a widow myself (widowed at 38) whilst you may think this is ok now you may not think that yourself in a few months or a year. You will still be grieving and that grief changes all the time. ATM it’s still raw and feeling wanted and needed is part of grief. I physically feel sick when I think back to a one night stand I had and that was three years after he passed.