To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

It sounds horrendous op and it’s easy for people without a mother like to just throw out.. Easy peasy just don’t invite her.
I have a mum like this, I’m 43 and went no contact 4 years ago, now I’m free of her it’s clearer to see I should have done it a lot sooner for my sons sake.
What would happen if you give her an ultimatum and told her some home truths. Tell her she ruined yours and DB childhood and you are not willing to watch her ruin Christmas for your children every year. Tell her you either speak to a doctor, try medication and therapy or you will also go no contact.

Why does she have to stay for a few days? Is there a way to have smaller amounts of time with her there so you have time to enjoy yourselves as a family? Do you have to work on Boxing Day? Could you have her over on CD (as that is a hard day to be alone) but then set up your fun Christmas Eve and Boxing Day as a family?

You are not unreasonable to want a stress free Christmas.

you have a few options- book a flight, say no outright or have her for a small part of it. Eg Xmas afternoon or Christmas Eve as it suits you.

it might be less overwhelming to her as well.

You are fooling yourself if you don't think they, at the very least, notice you being stressed and tense when she's around. Even very young children pick up on that.

I'd suggest a half way house: all her but don't tip toe around her. Some people like this thrive on attention so don't feed that beast . Let us come and eat but ignore her rants and complaints and pretend not to notice her sulks .

OP From my experience, I think the reason you mind her behaviours more now is because you have children yourself and it's made you realise how less than ideal your childhood was and how poor her parenting was. You can understand why these things happened and perhaps forgive them because of the circumstances but it does make you see the parent in a different light.

You don’t need permission.

protect your children from this.

enjoy a Christmas in peace. You do not have to sacrifice yourself for this.

You need to protect your children

I know people are focused on the potential impact on your children (and you have mentioned they are getting old enough to begin to understand) because avoiding this sort of misery being passed on to another generation is important. But also, I suspect, because they recognise a woman who puts herself last and hope that appealing to your mamma bear side will be more effective at getting you to do what you need to do.

However, I want to tell you you need to stop putting yourself last. In many ways, how she is with or around your children is irrelevant.

You hate having her there for Christmas. She upsets you. She makes you miserable. She takes up all the energy and joy you want to invest in your family over the Christmas period and wastes it. Leaves you worn out.

This is reason enough.

You matter as much as she does - and should matter more to yourself, just as she matters more to herself. Decide what you want to do that will be effective for her (and I mean in life in general, not particularly for Christmas) and do that and only that. If she doesn't want it, she doesn't have to accept it, but you shouldn't offer anything else just because she doesn't like what you are prepared to offer. You do not owe her.

Her mental illness is tragic, but it isn't the only thing that got her in this state. She has had free will all her life, even though affected by her mental illness, she hasn't had to turn away from all the things that could help her entire life. She has some responsibility for the state of her life now. You do not.

I gave myself permission not to see my parents at Christmas many years ago.

She will be miserable either way.
Tell her the DC are older it is ruining their Xmas too. you cant condone her lack of acceptance of help. She effectively has chosen to be unwell, or at least try to alleviate the knock on problems that come with it.
Sorry cant do this anymore to your DCs

This is a good summary. Wishing you strength OP

I recently cut off my abusive parent having put up with their behaviour telling myself it was for my children's sake and they weren't aware. They were.
Even though they did like some things about their grandparent they hated how I was treated and I am so much happier and a better parent for doing it.
You deserve to be happy. You cannot fix her. Do not sacrifice your happiness because of her suffering. You can choose to put yourself first- in fact you have to because you don't have a parent who can prioritise you.

Kids arent thick.
They will pick up on the nonverbal stress of their mother and father
From experience....your children will likely be able to tell you how crap it was as adults.

Do not let her cone tgis christmas and see HOW different it is without her dominating everything.

Get some therapy and dont let her dominate your life and your childrens christmases from here to kingdom come...there are so few and they're so precious.

Give yourself permission to prioritise your children. Break the cycle, don't perpetuate it.

Oh, my mother is like this, not to the MH level but she's needy and doesn't give a shit about anyone else. All she goes on about is poor me, poor me. She can't move and so no chance she can get to our houses. My sister goes away to another country to get away from her, for weeks/months at a time. I go to her house once or twice a week for 15 minutes or shorter if I want to kill her.
For Xmas she comes round for 2 hours then I take her home.

You may think your children might not know what goes on but don’t wait until they’re grown ups and they tell you that their childhood christmases were ruined by their unpredictable Granny and her behaviour every year.

They know who she is and how she acts and they’ll be waiting for it to happen each year.

They will see the change in your mood and the tension in the home.

Look up F.O.G - fear, obligation, guilt syndrome. Your thoughts and actions are controlled by fear, a sense of duty, and guilt. The signs? You have difficulty saying “no”. You feel responsible for others’ emotions. Making decisions out of guilt rather than desire. Fear of rejection or conflict.

Don’t invite her. Your mother is an adult & chooses not to seek help. She has made a decision that she doesn’t want help - therefor she needs to live with that consequence. Set your boundary - Christmas does not have to be a miserable or stressful experience for you.

I have an autistic mother (never diagnosed and would never seek help for her behaviour). All of my memories of Christmas with her are stressful / not a happy experience. I haven’t spent Christmas with her since 2013 and the relief is absolutely immense. Sometimes you have to prioritise yourself over others. Good luck 🤞

OP do you feel that you don't deserve the stream of negativity that you described in your opening post? Your children don't, and maybe your mum subconsciously realises that you won't tolerate her treating them the same way she has and continues to treat you, and holds back from doing it to them. But that means that she can be nice as pie to you... she just chooses not to. And personally I don't think that's good enough, you deserve far better.

Maybe it's time your mum actually experienced the consequences of her behaviour, and spending Christmas alone will be a wake-up call? Maybe in time if/when your children know what she's really like, they'll be horrified that someone was so horrible to their lovely mum who doesn't deserve to be, and will be furious at the thought?

I also have ASD parents and have chosen to go no contact with them because of the awful effects on my mental health.
There is a Facebook support group for the NT children of autistic parents you might be interested in. They can help provide validation. DM me for details if you’re interested.

Stop exposing your kids to this! And screw her.. put your kids first at Xmas

@SimplyPie another person giving you permission not to go. Why don’t you visit a couple of days beforehand and take a lovely hamper with stuff for Christmas Day so you know she has treats etc?

Your DC are your responsibility, don't damage their MH by having her over.

Pop over alone for an hour or so a few days before with a gift, watch her cry/scream/blame/etc. Nod, say on repeat, "we're doing things differently as need a relaxing house this year".

Be a robot, a brick wall, a nodding doll, but stand firm.

Then go home and have a lovely Christmas the type your DC should be seeing.

The minute I read you had children I thought you absolutely mustn’t have them over at Christmas.

Your brother and the rest of the family have protected themselves and their children and immediate families from her. You have to do the same. You absolutely owe it to your children - as well as yourself - to do this.

Maybe this will be the trigger she needs to accept help. Maybe not, but you and your children matter too.