To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

Absolutely do not have her for Christmas.
You are crying at the thought of it.
Of course that impacts your children.

You had a miserable childhood at her hands, and now you are gifting her these precious years.

Absolutely not.
Your brother has done the right thing.
Good for him.
Stop putting her first ahead of your children.

You are so wrong to do this.

Put your MH first, ahead of her, so that you can be happy with your children.

Your children and you deserve this time.

This is a no-brainer because it's your duty to protect your children from the unhappy atmosphere she creates. The only time you need to feel guilty is if you subject them to her toxic behaviour. Perhaps see her briefly soon after Christmas, ( maybe not before, in case she persuades you to change your mind)for a meal or something). She'll try to guilt trip you, perhaps even threaten suicide, but her choices are hers and hers alone.

I have a brother who used to come to us for Christmas Day, no one else would have him, but he used to spoil the day. I persisted with this for years, out of guilt, but one of my friends talked some sense into me and I don't invite him any more. I still feel a bit bad about it, but my Christmases (and DH's) are important too.

Anyway my point being I can assure you she isn't like the way ive described towards my DC. It's all done out of their earshot or out of their line of vision. This is why they've never noticed before, but now they're beginning to be more aware of what's going on around them and so I think they, well my older one at least, might start to notice this year

As I've seen posted in cases of domestic abuse, the children always hear what is going on but never say. This is abuse, your mum is abusing you in your own home as she did when you lived in hers.
I really wouldn't feel bad about not having her over for Christmas. I feel for her that she has had such an awful life, but you do not deserve her vitriol.
I feel, though hard to do, you need to do as your brother and go no contact. She needs to get help, but sadly I don't think she will as she won't feel she is worth it.

If you did want to do something to make sure she isn't alone, are there any voluntary organisations near her where she can go somewhere for Christmas Day? I'm not sure if such things exist outside of things for homeless people, but there might be something. Obviously she'll have to go but that is up to her.

But @SimplyPie you don't owe her anything. Your home is your sanctuary and your families sanctuary 💐

@CrystalPalaceNoLongersorry I don’t! It’s always resonated with me as my DC now the age I was when my parents split and our lives got turned upside down. I’ve never thought about my childhood much until now and a lot of not very nice things are coming back!

Just limit her visit OP! Pick her up Christmas Day mid morning, take her home after tea, say 7pm.

She can take it or not come at all.

There are two ways of looking at this. The first is that due to the hideous abuse that she has been subjected to since childhood, she is irreparably damaged and she isn't capable of behaving in a way that makes her safe to be around your children. It isn't her fault, but she is too dangerous to be allowed to have a relationship with your children.

The other way of looking at this is that despite everything that she has been through, she is still has some agency and is capable of showing love to your children. However, she is doing this in such a way that she is weaponising her relationship with your children to direct more hatred and abuse your way. The relationship with your children only makes her happy because she can use it as a threat to keep you in line.

You deserve a peaceful and stress free Christmas for once in your life so don't invite her this year.

I agree with others , the effect she had on you is now spilling over to your own family. It's OK not to invite that energy into your family.

Even if she's nice to your kids now, when they get older and more like individuals they will say or do something that displeases her and then they'll be subject to her vitriol too. I've seen it with my own mother and her grandchildren (my nieces). She doted on them as babies and when they became teenagers and didn't want to pose for her fake perfect family photos she got arsey and called them spiteful to their faces. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You mother sounds exactly like mine, and my only saving grace is she went and died prematurely from her own unhealthy lifestyle.

Don't invite her for Christmas and if you need to alleviate the guilt then see her on a less important day during the holidays. Once you put in boundaries it will only get easier for you. You'll wonder why you never did it sooner.

My vote goes for tough love! YANBU

Go away this Christmas somewhere nice to break the pattern.

After that tell her you’ll still see her (maybe pop in for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve) but not for three days and she’ll need to start proper treatment if she wants extended visits as the current arrangements are making everyone unhappy.

Change the pattern and do something different this year - E.g. Take her on one of those lovely Christmas light walks with your DH and DC instead of inviting her to stay. That way you won’t be stuck in the house treading on eggshells and having to manage her mood for much longer than a couple of hours.

You sound like an immeasurably compassionate person and I completely understand your reasons, along with the FOG as others have said.

The key thing is that you hit the nail on the head when you said that she does know how to be nice, kind and loving. It isn't her mental health forcing her to be this way with you - she's choosing to be this way.

Her past sounds awful, of course. But it is absolutely not reasonable to expect you to offer yourself up as a punchbag to let her get her aggression out. There are other outlets for that - therapy, exercise, social groups... and actual punchbags!

You have to turn that compassion towards your children. I think you're absolutely right that they will start to pick up on undercurrents, and you need to demonstrate to them how to deal with people who insult us, people who make us uncomfortable, etc.

I think if it were me I'd draw a line under the visits to my home and the access to my children. Then I'd spend some time thinking about how much I was willing to do just me and her - meals out, visits to her home, video calls? Set some limits in your own head. Then I would send her a message (well in advance of Christmas) explaining, along with some pointers towards things that might help her, like community groups, MH charities etc.

Then put your phone down and take some deep breaths. She will not like it, but know that it's the best thing for your children (and you).

Don't have her for Christmas.
Visit her at some point in December or zoom call her.
Enjoy yourself.

“They don't though.
It's all out of their earshot/eyeshot/different rooms.”

Why do people say things like this when it’s demonstrably untrue? Children are remarkably observant. They pick up on mood, tone. They know when the atmosphere is off. You may think they don’t know because they’re not in the room but they know how tense you get, how tearful you are. Stop accepting this behaviour.

OP, your thread is frustrating to read because I’ve been in a similar situation and I can understand to an extent how you feel.
The thing is, whilst you see giving her a lovely Christmas as something she deserves, it’s actually not your responsibility to do that.
She has had a responsibility to herself to address the trauma, deal with it, and make better decisions for herself throughout her life.
I know that sounds extremely harsh, but please understand it really isn’t on you to make it all better.
She could already have a much better life if she wanted to. She could join clubs, activities, communities, gain friends etc.
I’ve realised that pandering to my mother’s horrible behaviour does nothing but enable her.
She wanted desperately to play at being the best Granny ever whilst my kids were young but then found them “too much” and became critical of them as soon as they started growing up and having their own opinions on how she treats me.
I am modelling boundaries and self respect to my kids who have great respect for that. I’m confident that I’ve broken the cycle of 3+ generations of emotional abuse now.
I will step away from this thread because it’s frustrating to read you backtracking and standing up for her now. Either put your own lovely family first and have your happy Christmas together or prioritise your mother and her miserable negative Christmas.
I know you’ve been conditioned to always put her first, but her sad life is not your issue to solve, you need to put your own wants first for once.

Give yourself permission to say 'not this year mum' and tell her that her behaviour towards you has ade you and your family unhappy for a while, and this year you'll be having Christmas with just the DC and DH.

She's a drowning woman, and that's not your fault. You can't save her, she'll just drag you down.

I wouldn't give her an ultimatum, but you could say 'I'll still be here to listen if you are able to seek help/change the way you behave' (if you feel like that).

You could even offer to meet her for lunch somewhere around Christmas if she wants (and that'll make you feel better), but leave the ball in her court and ask her to organise.

You'll probably get some/ a lot of anger/upset/manipulation, but remind yourself she won't be happy with you at Christmas anyway, because she's deeply unhappy.

You're still the child, and she's the parent. You can't fix her. It'll be really tough, but better than carrying on as things are.

I hope you don’t feel guilty for ‘not saving ‘ her back then…..
You were a child.
It wasn’t your fault!!!!!
Many people have this story (sadly)
Some, go the way of your mum.
others don’t…they get help and work on themselves.
You really only have 2 choices

1. no contact like your db OR.
2. you implement very strong boundaries…. And mean it.

Okay.

You are also a victim of trauma. You may not see it right now because you're in the throes of F O G, but you've experienced lifelong trauma too - you said in your own OP, you had a difficult childhood and have carried this into adulthood. That is trauma

The trauma she's experienced doesn't excuse the trauma she's subjected you to. Every single person has a responsibility to break any negative cycle they've ended up in, even with trauma. She has refused medication, refused therapy, refused anything that would improve the situation - she has chosen to perpetuate the cycle and not break it, because that's the easy option. It probably feels horrible to read that, but it is the truth. It is easier to perpetuate the trauma than to break the cycle, and she has chosen the easy option.

If not for your own sake then for your children's, break the cycle. This has affected your entire life and risks affecting your children's entire lives too. You'll tell yourself "I can protect them from it, it doesn't affect them, they're fine" again and again until suddenly, it's too late.

You look at your DB being NC as a form of trauma to her, so you put her in the victim role again - but what led your DB to go NC with her? He's the victim in that relationship, and you're the victim in this relationship. The difference is that he chose to break the cycle for his and his family's sake - you're currently feeling like you have to choose victimhood too.

You don't have to do this. You are not a bad person if you cut her off. Bad things happen in life; it's how you respond to them that matters. Her response made your childhood difficult and it's making your adulthood difficult. Don't let that cycle continue.

Hmm bit of a backtrack there op?

Anyway, regardless, I don’t think you should feel guilty about putting you and your family first. Your brother doesn’t. Or if he does; he still puts himself first.

Oh OP what a quagmire.
If you pick her up and drop her home, could you manage from say late afternoon on Christmas Eve till the morning of Boxing Day? Not too long but enough to alleviate guilt?

You absolutely dont have to but if you feel guilty could you have her over on boxing day instead? Just for lunch & no staying over? Alternatively tell her you're going away for Christmas this year. You've done enough - you're not responsible for her problems.

You’re not looking at the issue… she’s exposing your kids to awful behaviour. Stop excusing her. She has to take some responsibility.

I’ve read your updates OP. Your mother has had a terrible life. But what she is subjecting you to, isn’t fair. You can’t save her now. But don’t ruin Christmas and family life for her benefit.

What a difficult situation you are in it must make you miserable.
The only advice I can give you is that you cannot change her but you can change your reaction to her. Care less, laugh with your family about her quirky ways..if it was me I would probably still invite her but you don’t have to and no one would blame you if you didn’t