To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

put your children and your husband and yourself first for a change!!! DONT have your mother over to RUIN yet another Xmas!!

OP's mum isn't a safe person for OP to be around. The fact that she can be super nice to OP's children while being utterly toxic to OP means that her behaviour is a choice and that her cruelty to OP is targetted and deliberate.

She doesn't get to be rewarded with an invitation on Christmas Day from her daughter that she continues to abuse. OP deserves to have a Christmas Day that she can enjoy without fear and anxiety.

OP I agree with the PP who said your mother has obviously got some insight and control over her behaviour because otherwise she wouldn't be able to so easily switch behaviour between being horrible to you (who she knows from experience will take it) and your kids (who she knows you'll protect). She could bite her tongue with you and your brother - she could plan to visit you for a shorter time if she knows that she will start getting angry and disregulated after a short while. I think (and I'm thinkong back about my own mother when I say this) the reason she doesn't try any strategies like that is because she enjoys the fighting. Have you ever noticed that her nastiness seems to escalate as the day goes in? I swear they just keep going until they finally get a response out of you. I think where this ends is that she eventually escalates it past your breaking point- like for example she has a go at one of your kids - and then you will end up NC like everyone else. That's where I ended up.
You're a compassionate person and you don't want to do that - I daresay you will want to try and stay in contact as she becomes older and more frail for example - so you could frame things in this way: what if you stop letting her be involved in things like Christmas that she can ruin for you, so that you preserve your energy for keeping in (low key) touch with her long term?
You really deserve a decent Christmas, and generally, to be able to enjoy the happy life you have created. It's not your fault what happened to her, and as they say, you shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

OP she wants absolute control over you and to destroy you. You are her emotional punchbag. Only you can take her power to affect you away.

With people this unhinged it's best to not let on that you now see reality. Use the disengage and grey rock techniques to create distance that is not immediately obvious to her.

Send her nice messages of, "I'm sorry to hear you feel upset but the weather's been kinder lately", and other non-commital sentences. Learn to write lots of paragraphs that mean nothing but wish her well. Include things like "we all thank you for your best wishes" (even when she doesn't say it). Copy and paste messages with minor edits with no guilt so she's reading the same boring nothingness. End with "all well here will be in contact soon".

Stop making plans with her as you're too busy. Have contingency answers of what's happening if your DCs ask - school stuff, work stuff, got to get shopping etc. Sure we can see her sometime...

When eventually you do need to see her again meet outside the house with your DCs for a lunch/drink be prepared to use, "hmm", "I see", "ok" a lot. Lots of smiling and nodding. Thank her a lot, "lovely you are here, how nice isn't life great?".

When you are a happy person in a happy bubble you become a boring grey rock to her. She gets no pleasure from seeing you happy and being non-commital and vague gives her nothing to twist.

Over time disengage more, be a slow rolling back grey rock. Expect more suicide threats, screaming, turning up. DONT REACT think grey rock, grey rock, grey rock!

Seeing your updates OP, this is far worse than I'd thought. She is utterly vicious to you. She is nice to your kids because she knows you won't tolerate her behaving to them how she behaves to you. She saves it all for you. If you could record her being like that to you, and show it to your children, they will be horrified and no longer want to see her and love her, because her behaviour is so nasty and twisted.

It's more difficult when the person presenting the terrible behaviour has been damaged, but that should not stop you from calling a halt to this. If a savage animal attacked me and was chewing my leg, I wouldn't be thinking about how badly someone must have treated it, I would be trying to get away from it permanently! You need to save yourself because you can't make things better for your mother and she enjoys punishing you, she is getting positive feelings from hurting you. And that shouldn't be allowed to continue. Be like your brother and save yourself and your children. Please. You cannot make things better for her, only she can seek help to change and she doesn't want to.

Being nice to your kids is to show you that she can choose how she behaves, and she is choosing to harm you. That's never going to change.

I've not got time to write a long post right now @SimplyPie but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I think someone has already mentioned the stately homes thread (it's in relationships). Please have a look at it. There are lots of us there all at different stages of dealing with the fallout of lunatic parents.

You're in a coercively controlling relationship with your own mother, which is an absolutely horrible place to be. Many people have already said reduce/cut contact so I won't go into that, but having done it, I know how incredibly difficult it is and that you have to be really ready before it's an option. I did want to ask if you're getting any help to manage the anxiety that happens when you've got a parent like this and to say if not, please look into it.

I also wanted to say, though I know this is painful, that your mother doesn't like your children, she's using them to control you. It's like the abusive spouse that can be wonderful on occasion, tricking the partner into thinking the wonderful is who their partner really is and the abuse is their fault and they can fix it if they just try hard enough. It's part of the cycle of control. She knows the children are your weak spot. And the children know what she's like (trust me on this).

Please come to stately homes.

You sound to be lovely and have a great DH.

Will you be happy at Christmas if like your brother you stay away from your Mum?
It sounds as if worry or guilt will bother you even if she doesn't!

I would say that it need not be all or nothing.

A short visit -present exchange perhaps-could be arranged so that the children can be spoilt and you won't feel so bad about enjoying the rest of Christmas without her.

At other times of year:
She can be kind if she wants to- so don't let her get away with being mean.

I think that you should respond positively to anything good she does- but calmly move away from anything bad. Be undramatic (don't let her provoke you!) but leave early or end the conversation if you need to. (Prepare this with DH beforehand.) Grey rock it.

Your children come first can you not have her before or after Christmas so not so intense or go to see her for a limited time. It's not fair to make everyone else's Christmas miserable.

My mother is exactly the same, it's so hard when you want it to be different. She's spent the last few Christmases on her own, once you do it the feeling of relief is enormous, it far outweighs any guilt. She's used to it now and doesn't expect any different and i don't feel guilty.See her another day for a few hours, take your dc and try to have a decent day. Then for the rest of Christmas do exactly what you want to do. Your dc will have a wonderful time. Try to give them what you never had they will remember fond times with you and your dh. Remember time goes quickly they will be grown and flown the nest before you know it. This is the year to take control.

You have had a lifetime of dealing with this rubbish. She’s not well but you don’t deserve to be the punchbag.

What does your husband think? Can he help you stand up to her?

You poor thing. What a horrible situation.

Would your husband be prepared to act as an intermediary? I highly doubt she would leave him abusive messages?

Is it an option to simply message her to say that you will not accept her abusive calls and messages any more and you are blocking her for your own mental health. She is not to attempt to contact you or to visit you at home and you need space from her for a few months. If she needs to urgently contact you then she needs to do so via DH.

Oh OP I'm so so sorry. I have a difficult relationship with my mum at times and she has a similar traumatic history to your mum. At one point she was an alcoholic, bottle of vodka a day and 40 cigs, she would ring me drunk and threatened suicide a few times. She also hates Christmas and is a very pessimistic person.

The reason I still see my mum now - though not at Christmas as we have agreed that neither of us enjoy it - is that my mum went to therapy, went to the GP, kicked the booze. She knew she was making my life hard, and that if she didn't sort it out I would have considered NC. She knew that, and she knew she was putting a lot of pressure on me to fix things that actually weren't in my power to fix. They still aren't, but she has chosen to change. That meant a lot to me.

I hope you can enjoy this time with the kids and know that drawing a line with your mum is giving them the right message. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, including their mum, and nobody has the right to make the home environment shouty and stressful for others to be in. Please enjoy your Christmas, OP 🩷

Please read the full thread, it's got some important developments.

OP, it isn't cruel not to spend Christmas day with her.

No you are not being unreasonable. If she wasn't so nasty to you then she would be welcomed at christmas wouldn't she. This is all her doing and if she is alone on christmas day that is on her, not you. I know how you feel as I've had to learn this myself, years of being made to feel guilty will do that to you. Stand firm, you do not deserve this. Have a nice christmas with your little family.

Be strong OP.
Block her and never unblock her again.
Give DH the job of dealing with her.
Let's see if she'll be so abusive to him.

And no definitely don't have her for Christmas.

Ring your brother for support, tell him everything.

I keep seeing well meaning posters trying to help but it's clear they haven't read all the ops posts. This isn't a clear cut case of a Christmas invitation, it's a lifetime of her being abused and manipulated by her mother.

Everyone - please read all of the OPs posts before replying as there have been some pretty major developments.

I have a family member like this too OP, put your own mental health first this time and the health of your children. You say she is able to control herself around the kids and play nice with them BUT her behavior has a direct effect on you as her target - which in turn indirectly effects your children. Kids arent stupid they will be picking up on the distress this is causing you.

Allow yourself a Christmas free from her abuse. Maybe this could be a push for her to seek help.

Can you just invite her for the day or arrive Christmas eve evening, go home boxing day morning? Plead other engagements. It does seem cruel to leave her alone on Christmas day and as you say you would feel so guilty about it.

I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s. After I managed to leave him, I was still bombarded with calls and messages and him trying to turn up to my new house.

It all culminated with a call where he said he was going to kill himself then and there. I spent 5 minutes trying to convince him not to, but then thought fuck it, this is manipulation. So I told him to do what he wants, I hope he doesn't kill himself, but I'm not there for him anymore. Hung up, blocked him.

Surprise, surprise, he didn't. It was just part of the cycle of abuse, a last ditch attempt at manipulation.

Your DM is the same. She is sensing her usual shit isn't working so she is ramping up the abuse.

@SimplyPie
You really need to let people around you know what's happening and stop keeping this like some kind of dirty little secret. It's hurting you and your own MH and it has to stop now. You seem to think that this is some kind of shameful thing that has to be hidden at all costs and it isn't.

You also need to stop hiding this from your DC. They need to know that DGM is unwell and that her illness makes her mean and that her meanness is being applied to you but discuss it in an age appropriate way. They will find out at some point and will be bewildered as it will come out of the blue. It could be more damaging in the long run - your DC will overhear/see your mother's behaviour and she'll use it to twist their perception of what's been seen and then she'll use them to further her own issues. You don't want that happening but secrets have a habit of getting out especially as your DC get older.
Secrets like this only damage you & yours in the end. You need to come out about this and get some support. I suspect that DC already have some awareness of the issues - like her turning up for tea last week. You need to remember that the 'relationship' that she has with your DC isn't real - she makes it her reality in order to 'feed' off of their adoration - like a vampire.

Get your DH to listen to the messages and make any notes of what's said and then to keep a record himself. That way he can confirm that it's much of the same. She chooses to do this - remember that.

You need to contact her local police and ask for a welfare check to be done and then in turn they may call SS. You have done everything that you can and she continues to use her MH issues to ruin yours. Please stop allowing this.

I am so so sorry you are going through this. You are doing brilliantly - keep doing what you are doing. I would just not contact her until (at least) the new year. You don't need to explain yourself to her, and she won't listen anyway. Massive hugs

She is being really difficult. She is probably frantically trying to pull you closer but obviously in an unpleasant way, and this is naturally going to push you away.

Given she has a personality disorder plus trauma and all the other diagnoses it is likely to some extent she is terrified of rejection and this awful behaviour is the only tool she knows to try and stop people leaving her. People with trauma/PD are often oversensitive to perceived rejection and overthink people's reactions to them. I think your (totally appropriate and understandable) put out reaction is having more weight in her head than it should.

It's shitty and manipulative, but for a variety of reasons her development in childhood didn't go as it should, and so these shitty manipulative tools are all she has.

I think it's fair enough to go no/low contact. You need to keep yourself safe first, and I'd guess you have your own trauma from being raised by her. When you do I would brace yourself for her to do something to hurt herself- not because she will want to die, but because she will absolutely panic at the thought of reduced contact and will want to pull you back in, snd this might be one of the only ways she knows how to do that. I think it is sensible (if unpleasant) to work out now how you will respond if she does this.

I really wish you the best and hope you get the fabulous Christmas you deserve

Also, think about telling some people about all this in real life - I think you will find support, validation, and also get more of a sense of perspective about how unreasonable her behaviour really is.

Agree with posters above - no need to listen to the voicemails, you know what they'll contain, and they'll just make you feel worse. If they happen to be apologetic then they'll just make you confused and doubt what you know to be true.
If you really can't just delete them, then get someone else to listen to them instead (husband?) and then delete them.
But either way, having them hanging over you won't be helping.
Of course you are feeling anxious - anyone would be when subjected to this. But just keep in mind that this is how she affects you, this is how much she manages to control your life, to such an extent that you are this upset. She doesn't deserve to do that, no matter what has happened to her. So just try to imagine what life might be like without this level of emotional manipulation. I bet it would feel a million times better.
Look after yourself today, hug your children and try to let those around you look after you.