To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

Just to add as well although I maybe speaking out of turn but I felt it needed saying. How sure are you that all these things happened to her in her early days to make her like this. I'm just saying it as my mum made up abuse after my grandfather died, told us once she had 6 months to live and then denied everything saying it as well as a lot of other things and lied about having cancer. It's not beyond the realms of a narcissist person to make things up for sympathy/control. Just something maybe to think about

Wow OP I could have written your latest update myself almost word for word but replace mental health with drinking. I cut contact around 5 years ago and it's only now that I can see how narcissistic she was, back then I used to feel guilty that I wasn't doing enough. Same thing with the kids too to the point that they were 'her grandchildren' rather than my children if you know what I mean. She always had to be the center of attention and the most important person in the room.. Anyway I don't think I want to go on about me I just wanted you to know I understood. I chose to focus on myself and my kids and it was impossible to do that with her in my life . I kindly suggest that you do the same. To be honest I wouldn't even bother trying to explain why to her as I doubt she will ever see your side. Please let us know how things go. I'll be thinking of you. How does it feel now you've written all this down and you have everyone saying you are not wrong? Does it make you see things clearer?

@SimplyPie
If this was how your DH behaved towards you would you tolerate it?
You wouldn't would you? But you have been tolerating being your mother's punchbag for decades.
If this was a partner doing this to you, we'd being advising you to contact your local domestic abuse services urgently.
You know that she chooses to abuse you and that this is abuse. You know that and you suffer it through and through. You have tried to help her but that isn't what she wants and it is thus unachievable.

My heart actually hurts for you because you hope that one day that you will get through to her and she will take those steps towards a better life. I'm going to shout this - SHE WILL NOT BECAUSE IT IS EASIER TO FOCUS ABUSE ON YOU (HER OWN DAUGHTER) THAN TO DO THE WORK IT TAKES TO MAKE HERSELF BETTER.

She DARVO's you constantly by turning back anything you say back onto you.

She refuses to take help or even consider doing the work back to normality.

She is self invested in constantly using the dark times in her life to justify her, quite honestly, deeply abusive behaviour.

She has had a poor start in life followed by awful things happening to/around her but many do and yet do not use this to justify this type of behaviour.

She has conditioned you to accept her behaviour and she has made you complicit in her abuse and poor MH so that you always think "I hate this but...poor mum....it's not her fault because she's been abused all her life" and you just accept it. It is hurting you so much that your own MH is damaged.

So why does she get to 'use' you to further abuse by abusing you so awfully?

God, OP. She is fucking awful.

If you apparently make her so sad and miserable you’d be kinder staying away forever, right?

It’s not you, it’s bloody her!

Hello OP, this sounds deep routed and you have been programmed over many years, to respond with anxiety, to try and fix it, as it is intolerable. But what you have learnt is you can't fix it. You will never do and be enough for her.
At this point I would strongly suggest some good therapy. This should help you untangle some of the emotional mess, and give you strength and confidence to make decisions that are right for you. To put boundaries in place that give you peace. Make an appointment today, you don't need to go every week, even twice a month would help. Lots of therapists have a discount if you are on a low income. Take the leap, for your own mental health.

This has to stop. She is horrendously abusive. Don't subject yourself to it anymore. I would send a message saying "considering the hateful vitriol you can't stop sending me, and the impact that is clearly having on your mental health and most definitely my mental health, a break in communication is necessary for all concerned. I can't continue to be spoken to like this." This is not your fault. Your own children aren't getting the best of you because of her. That's not fair on anyone. Take a step back and take a breath and enjoy your Christmas without her. You deserve it. She has only herself to blame. You know without a shadow of a doubt she will make it horrific for you. Stop placating her or she'll never stop. Break generational traumas and give your kids the best Mum they can have this Christmas.

To add, my mum is similar in some ways. Less of the emotional manipulation, but we grew up in a home where she was angry and vicious at any moment, and we braced ourselves for it constantly.
Everything, according to her, is someone else's fault. She is competitive about everything we do, she always has to be better and this has ranged from who had the biggest breasts when we were growing up (!) to competitive gardening and house size now. She is never happy for us, only jealous. She is only ever critical. Except with my children, where she is loveliness personified. Unfortunately, my older child now sees what she is like, as she promptly dropped my older child for my younger when they were born, and now gives my older child no attention.
I have had a lot of therapy to deal with her influence on me. She now never bothers to contact me unless she wants something, she uses my dad as a flying monkey to do her dirty work for her.
I manage it by never telling them anything, by being low contact, and by being honest with people about who she is and how she is. I am sometimes sad that she is lonely, and has nothing in her life, but it's not my job to fix her, her life is as a result of her own choices and behaviours.

Oh mate, I wish i could give you a massive unmumsnetty hug!!

IT IS NOT YOU!! You are very clearly a very nice person (in fact a saint to put up with all that shit!). Overly nice if anything! Can you imagine saying to your kids any of the stuff she says to you? Of course not, because it's off-the-scale abusive, and so clearly utterly untrue. There is nothing you can do to fix her, because despite her claims, she's not unhappy because of you. She's unhappy because she's not a nice person. Yes, she had a horrible abusive life, but you know what - so have many people and they don't act like this. It is possible to have been both abused and to also be a very nasty person. I think she is this.

Think of it this way - you have had a lifetime of abuse from her, and are you abusing your kids the way she abuses you - of course you're not!!

I think for your sanity I would call the police about the suicide threats (that way you don't need to worry you've not acted on what she said), and then block her totally until you feel more calm.

Yet more unmumsnetty hugs!

Oh my, I can sympathise so much we have exactly the same circumstances. If we were to meet we could have such a good 'moan,' chinwag. The difference is I've gone through it and am further out of the mire. I am low contact so once a month for you is fine. Don't listen to or respond to any messages in between unless a real emergency. My husband comes with me when I visit so when she starts he takes control and changes the subject. It just about makes it bearable. Could you do the same? Don't let it make you ill, don't keep dwelling on it. Do things that make you happy, hug your family. You've come a long way, be proud. You can't change your mum but you can change how you react and how it makes you feel. Agree with others a short time of counselling may help. Good luck

So sorry you are going through this, I can relate to so much of it. My mum threatened suicide then made a fairly half hearted “cry for help” attempt. I remember speaking to the hospital psychiatrist on the phone, hearing my mother chatting and laughing with the hospital staff in the background. The Dr was saying mum insisted she was feeling better and it was a mistake, all the while she was texting me vile messages saying how I had driven her to it and it was my fault she had tried to kill herself.

The thing is OP, your Mum’s brain is broken and you can’t fix it, she won’t change. I ended up going NC and actually I think it has been good for her, a clean break has allowed her fixation with me to subside a bit and I suspect she might be more at peace now she’s not constantly being disappointed by what she perceives as my failures as a daughter (by not catering to her every whim every second of every day and daring to have a life of my own). She’s been able to focus on a couple of new relationships with “daughter substitutes” which has been nice for her. And for me it’s been a huge relief to realise that actually, I can just walk away and I don’t have to put up with that behaviour anymore. I can choose myself, and to be the mother to myself that I am to my children, that she is no longer able to be.

I am thinking of you OP. You have tried so hard to be a good daughter but it’s not possible to be who she wants you to be. Put yourself and your children first this Christmas.

I really do think she's got an awful lot of bitterness and resentment and jealousy for you, because your life has turned out so much better than hers.

This isnt your fault though. Shes playing on your guilt to keep you close, even though she's treating you so terribly.

I understand how difficult it is to break free of this.

Do you have a daughter? Would you treat her like this? If someone was treating your daughter in this way, how would you advise your daughter?

I think you need to dig really really deep and find enough love for yourself to give yourself a very long break from her. It'll be hard because this has been such a long pattern for both of you.

But I think its got to the point its absolutely necessary or youre heading for a breakdown.

Do it for yourself and your family.

We're all rooting for you xxxxxx

You cannot fix your mom and despite her sad life and the demons it has left her with she has made you her whipping boy.
She's done this even when she has shown she is capable of treating your children with love - to some degree, so she has awareness of what is 'acceptable' behaviour.
I think whatever you do you can't/won't win so choose the thing that benefits the majority and leave her at home.
She hasn't tried to give you and your brother the childhoods you deserved yet despite that you have achieved what she hasn't by giving yours a loving home.
She had no role model but neither did you .
This is awful and difficult but break the pattern for once and have a lovely Christmas with your own family.

If she turned up unannounced at your back door she clearly lives near enough that she doesn't need to stay days over Christmas. Invite her for Christmas lunch and take her home afterwards.

It is of course difficult with challenging relatives but just see her as little as possible without cutting her off completely.

Keep talking OP.

Us strangers can see that what she is saying is not true. She's a bitter damaged person but you've had a lifetime of it from when you were small and it's all you know. None of this is your fault. Her behaviour is her choice.

I'm sorry you have such an awful abusive mother. Please don't let it make you ill.

It's ok. Write it all down, get it all out. It helps.
And I am not surprised you are not feeling OK, I don't think anyone would be, in the face of all this.
OK, some things that might help - imagine your life as a stage, with lots of people on it. She is one person on your stage. You have lots of people on your stage - friends, husband, children, colleagues, casual acquaintances. Some have bigger roles in your life than others. But she is DESPERATE for the spotlight on your stage. She makes noise, threats, is angry, stamps her foot, is vicious and cruel and does everything she can to draw the spotlight to her. And she succeeds, most of the time, because she is so bloody loud. She is really hard to ignore. But in doing that the spotlight gets drawn away from others. Others who just quietly love you, and appreciate you and all you do, and who just want to be in your life because of you, without agenda. They get drowned out by her poison. And the effect of the spotlight being on her so much, is that you get this view of yourself that is based on what she says to you and about you. It's based on the vitriol and anger and threats.
But here's the thing - you are in control of your spotlight. So imaging yourself turning it, and shining it on your children, and see how the feelings in you change when you do that. I bet it will feel better.
As long as she is in your life, she will try to draw the spotlight onto her. But you get to choose if you boot her off your stage entirely, or keep her on there, but you need to be in charge of that spotlight, and keep it away from her.
Also, imagine she is hitting you (as she is, verbally, psychologically, emotionally) and telling you that it is all your fault she is hitting you, as you are so awful. Wrong, hey? Well this is wrong too, as it is just as damaging.

You can't fix her though. How she is, is entirely unrelated to how often you see her, or how you look at her, or even sniff in her direction. She is just blaming you. You cannot be different, as you are not doing ANYTHING wrong and even if you did everything she wanted, it would be something else.

Have you thought about having some therapy for yourself? To help you to work out your relationship with her, and what you want to do from now on? As well as getting some support.

And just remember - you deserve for your life to be more than being her punch bag.

If you stop seeing her I wonder if she will be more likely to engage with professional support?
Even if it means she has to have a crisis of some sorts for that to happen sadly.
She is mentally ill and this is not your responsibility to manage alone .if she won't accept professional help that's on her.. please protect yourself and stop contact.

Honestly this is not normal. You’ll never do anything right so stop trying. I think I’d be very clear that you both need a good period of no contact because it’s clear that things aren’t working. Tell her that this includes messages and voicemails unless there is a genuine emergency. If she threatens to kill herself send her the number for the Samaritans and adult social services in your area.

Personally I think that people who genuinely want to kill themselves (as opposed to people who are just using the threat for emotional blackmail) tend not to keep announcing it…

Focus on your kids- you may not realise it but tying yourself in knots over your mother’s terrible behaviour will be affecting how you are with them, and that’s just not fair.

But then you do have to stick to it yourself for a decent period of time, if you crack and text her you’ll be back to square one. Give yourself long enough to recover and decide whether you want to be in contact again and on what terms. If that means after Christmas, or even longer, so be it.

OP, I'm genuinely only repeating what so many other posters have said because I think you need to have as many supportive people around you as possible.

It's not you, it was never you, You're the only one left and the focus and the scapegoat.

Please be careful of your own mental health, you have a lot on your plate without this, and clearly the anxiety she causes can be overwhelming.

It's hard when your eyes are open to the treatment you've received but they are now , you are not responsible for your mothers mental health only your own . You need to put yourself first

What @BartholemewTheCat said. This is not your fault. Her mental health is not down to you. You're the scapegoat. Please believe that. You're handling a lot here. Deep breaths and be kind to yourself.

She is responsible for her mental health.
She has treated you appallingly throughout most if your life& is looking for a scapegoat, you are the obvious, & infact only target. Everyone else gas run a mile.
She is a deeply damaged & unhappy woman.
You have come through all the misery & abuse, you function in your job, you are devoted to making your DC lives cared for & happy, You have a good marriage.
Dont let her destroy your mental health as well as her own.
Reply, if I make you so unhappy, we’ll stop all this now. Its what you are able to offer or nothing

OP, you would not be responsible for her ending her life any more than you were responsible for her depression at any point during your childhood. She is unwell, and refusing to help herself. She is using you as a punching bag. You sound like a good person, and a good mum. If the advice of an internet stranger is going to help you today, please listen to the things that have been said to you on this thread. This is not your fault. And what she is doing to you is not ok.

This OP. Your Mum ruined yours and your DB childhood. Don't let her spoil your DC's memories of childhood Xmases. Don't invite her for Xmas. Instead get your DH to look after the kids and you go and take her out on Boxing Day somewhere. Get her out of her house. Limit the time you spend with her to say 4 hours. Then go home to your DH and DC knowing you have done your bit.