Aversion to darling little niece whilst pregnant

We can't protect babies or anyone else from colds etc... but we can make sensible decisions.
If we all avoided spreading germs we would be sick less often. I know some situations are inevitable but no, your SIL can't bring a sick toddler to visit your new born baby. It's just sensible

she is being silly to set those expectations with her little girl.

i have a toddler and am always careful with her around babies and check that their mums are ok with her approaching them in the playground and NEVER let her do that if she’s ill. Just because kids frequently get ill that is no excuse for letting them infect babies or other kids with no care.

Yeah… from a mum with a toddler and a newborn… YANBU but also YABU.
YANBU because yes- toddlers are germy super spreaders and even I wouldn’t want a toddler around mine if I had a choice, but I don’t have a choice and, sure enough, newborn had his first cold within three weeks of being home thanks to his sister’s nursery germs. BUT newborns (provided they are born full term and healthy etc.) are a lot more robust than we give them credit for. Just encourage people to not kiss the baby, to wash their hands before holding the baby, and to stay away if ill and that’s all you can really do. Your baby is going to get ill at some point. I wouldn’t make a big fuss of the toddler being unwelcome (you probably won’t be up to extended visitors in hospital at least, maybe not even for a few weeks depending on so many things) because if you end up having another one you won’t have the luxury of keeping the second one in a bubble the same way you do with your first. But I completely understand the feelings you have about it as a first time mum, but from a second time mum you will learn to relax more about germs as you go. Just string out the toddler’s visit as long as you can but accept you’ll have to burst the newborn bubble eventually, and try not to burn any bridges along the way.

But if she was your child then you would have not choice. What happens if you have another child when you have a 2 year old who is at nursery?

Your update that your SIL is raising your niece's expectations that she can visit you in the hospital speaks volumes.

It sounds like she sees your newborn as a lovely new interactive experience for her toddler.

If she's inviting herself & child into the postnatal ward I'd equally expect her to also see visits as her daughter's opportunity to touch, hold change the baby too.

And if you were up for all of that great. But it's your newborn and you get to decide.

And yes when it's your toddler then will be sneezing on your second baby- such is life. But that's not really the point here.

My kids are gallumping giants and we are used to germs but I'm still really respectful of first time mum's aversion to germs because most of us feel like that. It's normal and it's healthy.

My SIL has a first baby and I check and check again before indulging my children's requests to paw at the baby.

As the owner of a gross snotty toddler, I didn’t get to meet my new niece until she was 4 months old because I didn’t want to put her at risk. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want a newborn exposed to nursery germs.

Of course there’s no reason to expose a newborn to toddler germs when it’s easy to avoid (obviously for some it isn’t). And a toddler will be more interested in a three or four month baby than a new little blob anyway.

I completely get in. It won’t be popular on here but when SIL and BIL first met our newborn they didn’t even bring toddler nephew with them. I don’t think we even had to ask.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to want to reduce the risks of a newborn getting unwell and unfortunately toddlers with all the nursery germs are a risk. I have one myself now and I wouldn’t mind at all if someone didn’t want her near their newborn!

I definitely remember being precious about my first born being around children that might be sick. My second born was in Covid so we were in a bubble. It would have been harder with my second to keep her away from bugs without lockdowns.

I think keeping visits well ventilated, short, washed hands and not actively ill. Maybe even suggest an outdoor activity like a walk to a park so you can leave before baby is hungry and niece can be distracted with playing and not just focused on baby. Obviously outdoor visits depends on your recovery and time of year. Visiting them means you can leave so make sure you keep that in mind too. Remember though it’s impossible to completely shield babies just be sensible and tread carefully as you don’t want to ruin relationships but hormones can make us more anxious than normal.

Perfectly reasonable to ask them to stay away when child is sick. As for keeping you company in hospital? Not a chance. Nothing wrong with wanting sick people to stay away from your baby. I’d never take a sick child to visit a newborn

YABU for your reaction to your niece, but it sounds like that's not the real issue...maybe have a think about whether there are other issues in the relationship with SIL

Hell to the no.

Shut that thinking down right now.

You don't want or need the company of someone else's 2 year old when you're in labour or have just given birth, that's crazy talk. You need time to adjust to being a new mom and bond with your baby, that's your priority. I think your husband and you are going to have to set limits with visiting and baby wear. Your new baby has a very immature immune system and it's RSV season, which can put newborns into the hospital and worse.

Odd that she's not been interested in you until you got pregnant. Do you think she could be wanting you to do some childcare during your maternity leave?

Toddlers aren’t robust - their immunity is fighting off the bugs too that’s why they always have weeping infections and are snotty all the time. But unless someone has a serious health condition, being exposed to these bugs is what makes us strong. It’s necessary for the toddler, and yes, your baby.

What are you going to do with this baby when they go to nursery and you’re pregnant with your second? Banish them from the house? No, you minimise and manage, which is what you’ll do with the niece. If your baby is healthy, ultimately they’ll be fine.

You are going to have to get used to the presence of 'petri dish' kids. Your baby will be one one day.

It's natural to be fiercely protective of your newborn, but animal instinct apart, you're rational enough to understand that all kids carry germs and that your dc picking up bugs is inevitable. Obviously you won't want them to catch anything, but they will. Even if they don't from your niece because you're treating her like Plaguey Petra, they will from random kids (and adults!) all around them. All you can do is practise good hygiene and otherwise hope for the best, while being nice to your little niece because she will hopefully be a good cousin playmate for your child in time.

I can understand you feeling piqued about apparently being deemed uninteresting before you got pregnant, but that's better than being deemed uninteresting and pregnant, isn't it...

I think it depends. Early days, actively ill niece (snot, temp, sick etc) YANBU at all, I've seen the impact RSV and "common colds" can have on newborns and its totally reasonable to avoid this.

Longer term or while not actively ill, normal bugs are healthy for kids to be exposed to.

I think saying ,"turns my stomach a bit" is a bit extreme. Unless you have horrible morning sickness! In a few years you might have a second child and then your new baby will most likely be exposed to nursery germs.
It's easy to get overwhelmed a bit when you are pregnant I think though.

Your kid will get loads of colds as they build up their immune system. You might want be really careful early on but it can’t really last.

I suppose you intend to raise a snot free child. Yes YABU. In less than 2 years your filthy little child will be trying to play with his or her cousin and you will expect them to share and be welcoming.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. But I honestly think this is something you need to work on. It's fine to have rules like hand washing before holding a baby and not directly exposing your baby to someone with a cold, but your niece will probably be a big part of her cousins life and that's a great thing. It would be sad if you flinch every time she is near or feel the need to keep her away. I think you have to find a balance. You wouldn't and couldn't keep a sibling away. Germs are inevitable and actually helpful in some respects for the immune system.