'I didn't say that'

My ex literally doesn't show up on "his" days to see his children and tells everyone he has no idea why he "cant" see his children

Hint its because of HIS CHOICE not to show up

Yes, which is why I document everything and keep everything.

Sneaky Pete said ' liars don't admit they lied! What, you think they will go ' yeah, busted?' No, they will just lie more. Bigger lies. More lies. You can have evidence and they will still lie'

Otherwise, I think its normal to forget shit stuff and concentrate on the good.

I gaslight them right back if I suspect they know exactly what they or I said. 'are you OK? These confabulations are getting more frequent and I'm worried it's a sign of dementia...'

My DP does this it really winds me up

Yes I have a relative who does this even when what was said was via WhatsApp. Even when I forward the relevant message showing what was said, I get told I’m overreacting. Some people just can’t stand their own narrative of themselves to be questioned.

But how do you know from one incidence of someone saying ‘I know they said x’ that the other person also does know that? Moreover, even if the person is lying, how do you know whether they’re actively trying to make the other person question their thinking, or whether they’re just embarrassed about whatever it was they’ve said and hoping to dismiss it and move on? There’s not enough information in the OP’s post for anyone to know whether this is part of a larger problem or just an infuriating example of someone being stubborn.

Shouting ‘gaslighting’ for every little thing trivialises the kind of sustained manipulation that the term actually describes. A bit like when people say they’re ‘depressed’ because their holiday plans didn’t work out or ‘have OCD’ when they mean ‘are really tidy’. Even the word ‘trauma’ is now massively overused.

Overusing and misusing terms associated with abuse and mental illness can be hugely damaging to the people whose experiences are trivialised. It’s also worrying how many people now want to see behavioural problems and mental health issues everywhere they look. The number of replies so far on this thread that have said ‘it’s gaslighting’ when there’s nowhere near enough evidence to support it is both alarming and pathetic.

But if they know they did say it and they're lying deliberately, it's gaslighting. Like any other form of telling someone else that something didn't happen when they know it did, and trying to train them into not believing their own eyes, ears and experiences.

Why do you assume you are right and they are wrong, I cant say my memories are 100% accurate so I dont assume others are all the time either

If someone said they didn't say something then I just accept I must have misheard them.

I can't stand it when it's the other way round and someone insists I said something that I simply do not think so would never say! And won't accept that they misheard or misunderstood me.

People sometimes put words in other people's mouths to fit their own narrative.

My mum “doesn’t remember” many, many things. They certainly happened. It’s a way to escape any accountability at all. I still believe my memories, even though she’s done it since I was small. She does not like this aspect of my personality. Until recently I have been kind enough not to call her on it. That’s gone now.

Typical behaviour of narcisstic abuser exDP. Note the 'ex'.

My memory is so bad I can never actually remember whether I did say "it" or not
🙂

Yes, it's annoying. But so is someone insisting to you that you said/did something when you know full well you didn't.

Get a life

I agree its gaslighty and horrible but two can play at that game and if they're gonna do it then so can I.

To OP: I agree it’s very VERY annoying!!

’Gaslighting’ is now overused to the point of meaninglessness, like ‘mental health’ and ‘burnout’.

On its own, someone saying ‘I didn’t say that’ is not gaslighting. On its own, it is potentially just an example of two different people remembering things differently. Memory is often unreliable. My brother will swear blind he did/didn’t say/do things when I am convinced of the opposite, in some cases I even have email evidence that I am right! This isn’t because he’s trying to gaslight me (he has no reason to), it’s because he is absolutely convinced he did/didn’t say whatever it is. Some people refuse to consider the possibility they might be wrong. I don’t bother to argue now.

Denying you did/didn’t say/do something is only gaslighting if it is part of a bigger pattern of behaviour.

My dh about a really rough patch we went through in our marriage a few years ago. 5 years down the line, he totally denies it ever happened!! It’s so weird! He just says “well I don’t remember that” or “we’ve always had such a perfect marriage” and “we’ve always been such a great team, we’re so lucky”. And I think wtaf?! It definitely happened and he definitely was there! Why can’t he just acknowledge it all happened and we got through it?

@elviswhorley have you seen this? Might ring some bells
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

Recollections may differ.

Same here. People have to make sense or they’re not for me.

I agree.

There have been times I’ve been totally sure someone has said something that they don’t think they have. And there have been times someone else has been totally sure I’ve said something that I’m sure I haven’t. It would seem quite arrogant of me to assume I’m always right in both situations.

ETA - obviously I’m talking about one off situations. Not someone who is constantly saying they didn’t say things.

My dad does this, literally said 'I never said that' so firmly like it's 100% fact. Confused me so much as a kid. Took until I was well into adulthood to realise he was doing it. No idea why because he's otherwise great and he does it for totally insignificant things

That’ll be gaslighting.